Venting I don't want to kill myself, but I feel like I need to

[ready 2 go]

I'm in a weird, paradoxical dilemma. The first few years I was suicidal, I felt like a burden to my family and that dying would rid them of that burden. I wanted to end my pain and life didn't seem worth living. Many attempts later and I still have suicidal thoughts. However, I no longer feel like a burden. That delusion I was under has lifted, and I now see that me dying like this would cause my family far more pain than me living ever would. Also, life keeps giving me reasons to stay and keep going. I've gotten the opportunity to learn to drive recently, and the possibility of returning back to education.

On paper my life seems to be going great. But circling back to when I said I had no hope. Most of the time I still don't have any. But then I'm presented with these great opportunities and for awhile hope returns.

Hope keeps returning and it seems like I should give life one more go. But why? The longer I live the more I realize how shitty this world is. We're destroying our planet, tearing our own species apart, and for what? A little bit of fame, fortune or power? Humans are selfish, greedy and inherently evil. It doesn't matter how many good things come into my life, it doesn't stay. It doesn't mean anything in the long run. It doesn't keep me happy.

My mind tricks me into living a little longer, just in case things get better. And sometimes they do. But in the end I always fall back into the shitty mind-set of "we're all fucked" and that I should just give up. And the cycle repeats.

The universe wills me to keep going, but given the fact that my life and society gets worse and worse with each passing day, surely the most logical conclusion would be to leave?

I want to continue living. I wanna see if I can get anywhere in life. But my attempts at that have been futile. What's the point in building my hopes and dreams up, only for them to come crashing down over and over again?

I feel like in order to break this cycle my only option left is to kill myself. End my existence before my hopes are crushed yet again. Before I see even more tragedy and disaster strike people who don't deserve it. Every year is more miserable than the last, but somehow hope still prevails. I don't want to kill myself. To leave that pain with my family. To leave the possibility of a great life behind. But I feel like I have to, if I ever want to finally be happy and at peace.

 

[WornOutLife]

As you said, if we look at society getting worse day by day, it's more than enough to CTB. So depressing!
However, you have a dilemma because there's actually some nice stuff to keep on living.
Anyway, hope you decide and plan everything properly whenever the time is right! Wish you peace!

 

[idk who i am]

I'm in a weird, paradoxical dilemma. The first few years I was suicidal, I felt like a burden to my family and that dying would rid them of that burden. I wanted to end my pain and life didn't seem worth living. Many attempts later and I still have suicidal thoughts. However, I no longer feel like a burden. That delusion I was under has lifted, and I now see that me dying like this would cause my family far more pain than me living ever would. Also, life keeps giving me reasons to stay and keep going. I've gotten the opportunity to learn to drive recently, and the possibility of returning back to education.

On paper my life seems to be going great. But circling back to when I said I had no hope. Most of the time I still don't have any. But then I'm presented with these great opportunities and for awhile hope returns.

Hope keeps returning and it seems like I should give life one more go. But why? The longer I live the more I realize how shitty this world is. We're destroying our planet, tearing our own species apart, and for what? A little bit of fame, fortune or power? Humans are selfish, greedy and inherently evil. It doesn't matter how many good things come into my life, it doesn't stay. It doesn't mean anything in the long run. It doesn't keep me happy.

My mind tricks me into living a little longer, just in case things get better. And sometimes they do. But in the end I always fall back into the shitty mind-set of "we're all fucked" and that I should just give up. And the cycle repeats.

The universe wills me to keep going, but given the fact that my life and society gets worse and worse with each passing day, surely the most logical conclusion would be to leave?

I want to continue living. I wanna see if I can get anywhere in life. But my attempts at that have been futile. What's the point in building my hopes and dreams up, only for them to come crashing down over and over again?

I feel like in order to break this cycle my only option left is to kill myself. End my existence before my hopes are crushed yet again. Before I see even more tragedy and disaster strike people who don't deserve it. Every year is more miserable than the last, but somehow hope still prevails. I don't want to kill myself. To leave that pain with my family. To leave the possibility of a great life behind. But I feel like I have to, if I ever want to finally be happy and at peace.

sorry, i don't know about your whole situation, but i think maybe therapy will help? not meds though. there are some good specialist that help to not focus on bad things that happen... my friends told me it helps. again, i might be wrong, just felt like i need to say it.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Can relate, there's a lot of stuff I do want to do but I cannot cope with life