I don't want to, I have to and going to

[Aprilfarewell4]

I tried to find a partner. I tried to get help. none to be had. I never wanted to do this. I have to. I held out as long as I could through what can only be known not described. I hung on as long as I could for someone to go with, someone who could help me. someone who knew what I have and why and what it means to be this badly injured with no recovery possible and way past the point of adaptation or tolerance. someone who also never wanted to, but has no choice. that's what happened to me. I can't take it back. and the only way out is death. I would have lived 30 more years. I loved life. everything about it.
I am scared, because I can't get better, and I know this life, was my only and I ruined it so thoroughly at the most basic levels of what it means to be human that I have to die and I will be ending this experience.
this can't be real. that disbelief also kept this going somehow. but it is real. my life ended. I have to leave all I built and loved behind. I can't participate in what it means to be human or alive anymore.
I'm ending this horrific nightmare. please God help me. I had no idea this was going to happen. Please God help me.

 

[Roseate]

I don't mean to be a negative person but there is no such thing as the person to "help you" because quite frankly, after a while they'll see as a problem and they don't a partner that is always in need of a help? I'm trying to be cruel but this isn't the romance books or a fairytale and no actual human will do that. They will get tired of it and leave eventually. They want an equal partner, not to feel like they're babysitting you. Unless you mean physically, but I am really sorry you're feeling how you're feeling right now. Life is so unfair. I don't want to give you false hope but you never know what could happen 5 years from now. If you're looking for a partner, sometimes it just takes time. It doesn't work on our time, you know?

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I don't mean to be a negative person but there is no such thing as the person to "help you" because quite frankly, after a while they'll see as a problem and they don't a partner that is always in need of a help? I'm trying to be cruel but this isn't the romance books or a fairytale and no actual human will do that. They will get tired of it and leave eventually. They want an equal partner, not to feel like they're babysitting you. Unless you mean physically, but I am really sorry you're feeling how you're feeling right now. Life is so unfair. I don't want to give you false hope but you never know what could happen 5 years from now. If you're looking for a partner, sometimes it just takes time. It doesn't work on our time, you know?

Not trying to speak for them, but I think the OP means "partner" as in a "ctb partner", someone to help them ctb and to ctb with. If I'm wrong, I'm sure they'll correct me. But, that's how their post reads to me.

 

[rozeske]

I don't mean to be a negative person but there is no such thing as the person to "help you" because quite frankly, after a while they'll see as a problem and they don't a partner that is always in need of a help? I'm trying to be cruel but this isn't the romance books or a fairytale and no actual human will do that. They will get tired of it and leave eventually. They want an equal partner, not to feel like they're babysitting you. Unless you mean physically, but I am really sorry you're feeling how you're feeling right now. Life is so unfair. I don't want to give you false hope but you never know what could happen 5 years from now. If you're looking for a partner, sometimes it just takes time. It doesn't work on our time, you know?

That's not the "partner" most people here refer to.

 

[Roseate]

That's not the "partner" most people here refer to.

Then what partner? Cuz plenty of people on here complain about relationships, can't blame for that. Besides most people on here aren't exactly vague about suicide partners.

Not trying to speak for them, but I think the OP means "partner" as in a "ctb partner", someone to help them ctb and to ctb with. If I'm wrong, I'm sure they'll correct me. But, that's how their post reads to me.

Why would they not just say it? This isn't Twitter or anything. We can say CTB partner. And besides why would a CTB partner be responsible for helping someone die? Once it comes to that, it becomes a crime and that person is risking jail time and no one is doing that for a total stranger they don't even know.