ZoloftSüchtig
It wasn’t supposed to be like this
- Apr 9, 2023
- 152
Hope is what kept me alive, what made me continue to not give up. It was my life's fuel. Problem is I've been given chances to undo a huge mistake I made and even in that I failed. This is just the proof to me that I am in fact not functioning correctly. There is something wrong with my brain. I have some ideas why that could have happened, but that doesn't matter because in the end I can't change the way my brain works, not to such an extent.
My problem right now is, I still have some hope left that I can change things and be happy again and undo the mistakes I made, BUT it's gonna be so much harder than it could have been and therefor the warmth I felt before when I thought about the hope I still have is gone.
I don't have that warm feeling inside me anymore when I think about undoing my mistakes, probably because getting there is so far away and such a rocky road that I probably wonder if that's worth it, especially cause of the fact that I think my brain doesn't work properly anyway, so who knows, maybe even when I get there I'll still be fucked in the head and depressed and suicidal.
The problem I have now is that the hope isn't completely gone but at the same time I can't make the bad thoughts disappear for a little moment anymore when I think about the hope, because the hope is different from the hope I had before, it has lost its warmth.
So honestly, at this point I wish there wasn't any hope left, because I actually feel so much better when I tell myself I will kill myself soon than when I tell myself to keep going and trying to undo my mistakes.
I'm planning on how I can make my last days on earth enjoyable and how I'm gonna try to spent a lot of time with my mom before I do it and that makes me feel much better than when I think about how hard it would be to continue living and to find a way to deal with all my problems.
Is there any way to shut off these last thoughts of hope that are in my head? Cause that hope I have isn't enjoyable anymore anyway, it's honestly probably just my body's instinct so that I don't kill myself but it's not actually myself anymore who actually feels there's hope left. i don't even know if what I wrote makes sense to anyone else because again I think my brain is broken.
My problem right now is, I still have some hope left that I can change things and be happy again and undo the mistakes I made, BUT it's gonna be so much harder than it could have been and therefor the warmth I felt before when I thought about the hope I still have is gone.
I don't have that warm feeling inside me anymore when I think about undoing my mistakes, probably because getting there is so far away and such a rocky road that I probably wonder if that's worth it, especially cause of the fact that I think my brain doesn't work properly anyway, so who knows, maybe even when I get there I'll still be fucked in the head and depressed and suicidal.
The problem I have now is that the hope isn't completely gone but at the same time I can't make the bad thoughts disappear for a little moment anymore when I think about the hope, because the hope is different from the hope I had before, it has lost its warmth.
So honestly, at this point I wish there wasn't any hope left, because I actually feel so much better when I tell myself I will kill myself soon than when I tell myself to keep going and trying to undo my mistakes.
I'm planning on how I can make my last days on earth enjoyable and how I'm gonna try to spent a lot of time with my mom before I do it and that makes me feel much better than when I think about how hard it would be to continue living and to find a way to deal with all my problems.
Is there any way to shut off these last thoughts of hope that are in my head? Cause that hope I have isn't enjoyable anymore anyway, it's honestly probably just my body's instinct so that I don't kill myself but it's not actually myself anymore who actually feels there's hope left. i don't even know if what I wrote makes sense to anyone else because again I think my brain is broken.
