Venting I don't want to do this anymore

[OutofTouch92]

My depression is the worst it's ever been. I miss the days when it was just the occasional fleeting thoughts, wishing I hadn't been born. Now it's at least weekly breakdowns (sometimes happening at work) and wishing my husband and mother weren't around, preventing me from ending all of this. Because I couldn't do it to them. But knowing I can't makes me feel all the more hopeless. There's no end to the misery.

I hate having to act like everything is fine when I'm at work or whatever. I hate it when someone asks me how I'm doing, because "I want to die" is not an acceptable answer. So I just say that I'm good and scream internally. It's to the point that I see other people's happiness and I resent it. And I hate that I feel this way. I just hate everything basically and I'm always angry and the slightest thing can send me into a spiral and I just don't want to do this anymore and I shouldn't fucking have to. But I do.

 

[Dawn0071111]

Its the worst to do the whole "fake it till u make it" bullshit... especially when the "make it" part ain't happenin... sounds like your doing your duty and your on the grind... it does fucking suck because if we stay we are tied to responsibilites something keeps us here and feeling torn... I hope you can find some kind of respite... even.if just posting here.... we are all tired of the bullshit but have reasons not to ctb at the moment....

 

[Katerina]

Are you taking any meds? When mine are at the right levels it enables me to push on and maintain work to a standard. But I get what your saying about having to pretend everything is ok makes you want to scream. I confided in my partner my thoughts and si and since then he has been supportive but doesn't fully understand so I just hide it from him I even think about splitting with him just so I don't have to carry on I can just roll in a ball and cry.

 

[pole]

My depression is the worst it's ever been. I miss the days when it was just the occasional fleeting thoughts, wishing I hadn't been born. Now it's at least weekly breakdowns (sometimes happening at work) and wishing my husband and mother weren't around, preventing me from ending all of this. Because I couldn't do it to them. But knowing I can't makes me feel all the more hopeless. There's no end to the misery.

I hate having to act like everything is fine when I'm at work or whatever. I hate it when someone asks me how I'm doing, because "I want to die" is not an acceptable answer. So I just say that I'm good and scream internally. It's to the point that I see other people's happiness and I resent it. And I hate that I feel this way. I just hate everything basically and I'm always angry and the slightest thing can send me into a spiral and I just don't want to do this anymore and I shouldn't fucking have to. But I do.

there's only so much, and only so long one can withstand pain. there comes a point where you ask yourself, why are you doing this to yourself and/or how much more you can take of this. im at the point where i just dont even care anymore and i just wanna die, and just thinking about dying is all i literally think about; knowing i'll be dead soon with how shitty life is going puts me at ease somewhat. but my god, how i wish i dont wake up tomorrow.

 

[OutofTouch92]

Are you taking any meds? When mine are at the right levels it enables me to push on and maintain work to a standard. But I get what your saying about having to pretend everything is ok makes you want to scream. I confided in my partner my thoughts and si and since then he has been supportive but doesn't fully understand so I just hide it from him I even think about splitting with him just so I don't have to carry on I can just roll in a ball and cry.

I was on Welbutrin last year. I found the bottle and there's a lot of pills still in it, but it says that they should have been thrown out like a month ago. And they smell weird.

 

[Katerina]

I was on Welbutrin last year. I found the bottle and there's a lot of pills still in it, but it says that they should have been thrown out like a month ago. And they smell weird.

Did you stop it yourself you need to go back to drs and get checked the pills do help you function a little clearer minded