But I have no future, nor any resources that could ever possibly be helpful. It's so unfair - it's not even so much that I fear death, or that I have any survival instinct left to speak of. I'm actually pretty blessed in those departments and pain, fear of the unknown .etc. just aren't a problem for me at all. It's just that suicide really is my last choice and I feel almost as if I'm being murdered because my life could be more than this, it could become something and there actually are things I think I'd like to do, but they never will because I need help that doesn't actually exist. I have no friends, I have no family and so on, and the years of isolation have taken their toll in that I have zero social skills to speak of anymore and I have social anxiety so bad that whenever I'm in public, people probably think I'm mentally handicapped or otherwise severely screwed up in a way that I am not, because I move my body so awkwardly and I can't bring myself to stop looking down at my feet, as I might accidentally make eye contact with someone and they might talk to me.
And then, of course, I'm aware that I look like a spastic, which makes me even more anxious, which further feeds into looking demented.
I can't leave my home and I'm terrified of medications, as I've been used as a guinea pig for so long that even the mere suggestion that I might benefit from medication sends sharp pangs and unpleasant memories through my entire being, which automatically causes me to nope out of there. I can't consider it. I've dealt with nasty side effects from a myriad of different psychiatric meds as it is and some of them (Abilify, so not for anxiety, but same difference) left permanent damage (ridiculous weight gain & subsequently ridiculous stretch marks) that with my issues, I REALLY didn't need at the time.
I'm so lonely and I just wish that I could form some kind of relationship with someone, but for that to be possible, I'd have to work on my issues and I... don't think that's possible in the first place without doing something about the isolation. I spend the majority of the day daydreaming about interacting with people, being touched, talking to them, and so on. It has gotten to the point that whenever I'm bawling my eyes out, I end up fantasizing about therapists and random people either I've seen on the street or heard of, reassuring me and talking to me in a way that's meaningful. About a year ago, when I was last hospitalized, I actually wound up not saying anything to the psychiatrist because I ended up just daydreaming about it instead while I was thinking about what to say to them, so once it became time to talk to them, I didn't have the energy or will to do it anymore since I had already exhausted the topic.. with my fucking self.
And I get that nobody is entitled to anybody else, but I'm going to die because of this. Because of things that are, at this moment, largely out of my own control. Why? What did I even do to deserve that? I've made a lot of mistakes, I'll be the first to admit it, but I feel like I have been tossed into a shark tank and now I have to be eaten alive because I wasn't taught how to swim and even if I was, it wouldn't matter because I didn't have good enough of an upbringing to make me strong. I have no idea what I'm doing, I need help, but I'm being left to die instead.
Normal, well-adjusted people dream of climbing the social ladder, landing their dream job, getting married, having a nice car .etc., and nowadays I spend my days dreaming about the bare minimum. I can't even bond properly with other mentally ill people, no one is desperate enough to want anything to do with me. It hurts even more because for me, familiarity with people, as well as exercising those social muscles, actually makes it easier; I get better at it. I've seen glimpses of it before and during my childhood, as well as my early teens, I didn't have the difficulty I do now at all.
And what's with social norms? Why are they so cruel and exclusionary and why is it that so many people like to think they're against them (or open minded, yanno), but it is not possible to just... go up to people and be blunt with them? Even online? I'd never try, because I know it's "desperate" and it'd end in disaster, but I honestly wish I could just beg people to give me a chance even if it'd be awkward at first and may not lead to anything, akin to a starving person pleading for food.
I wish my problems were truly considered problems by society as a whole. Somehow, I'm a terrible, inferior person for wanting company so badly. I'm supposed to love myself, to be whole on my own, but society as a whole hasn't lived its entire life without friends, romantic relationships or even familial affection. It's so, so painful. I'm tired of crying because of it, I'm tired of being in so much agony all of the time. I don't want to die, but the pain of cutting myself, setting myself on fire, suffocating, drowning and so on, pale in comparison to the crushing misery I'm constantly in.
I recently bought a harp. I thought maybe learning to play it might distract me. I've begun to think about employment, about leaving my mother's house. I have been eating healthier, practicing skincare. I have a consultation for a breast reduction coming up soon. I've been doing things like this for months to no avail. I need people to live, to relieve some of this pain, even if only temporarily, to be able to do anything else. I have no energy and I can't endure everything. Something has to give and it won't. It never will.
And then, of course, I'm aware that I look like a spastic, which makes me even more anxious, which further feeds into looking demented.
I can't leave my home and I'm terrified of medications, as I've been used as a guinea pig for so long that even the mere suggestion that I might benefit from medication sends sharp pangs and unpleasant memories through my entire being, which automatically causes me to nope out of there. I can't consider it. I've dealt with nasty side effects from a myriad of different psychiatric meds as it is and some of them (Abilify, so not for anxiety, but same difference) left permanent damage (ridiculous weight gain & subsequently ridiculous stretch marks) that with my issues, I REALLY didn't need at the time.
I'm so lonely and I just wish that I could form some kind of relationship with someone, but for that to be possible, I'd have to work on my issues and I... don't think that's possible in the first place without doing something about the isolation. I spend the majority of the day daydreaming about interacting with people, being touched, talking to them, and so on. It has gotten to the point that whenever I'm bawling my eyes out, I end up fantasizing about therapists and random people either I've seen on the street or heard of, reassuring me and talking to me in a way that's meaningful. About a year ago, when I was last hospitalized, I actually wound up not saying anything to the psychiatrist because I ended up just daydreaming about it instead while I was thinking about what to say to them, so once it became time to talk to them, I didn't have the energy or will to do it anymore since I had already exhausted the topic.. with my fucking self.
And I get that nobody is entitled to anybody else, but I'm going to die because of this. Because of things that are, at this moment, largely out of my own control. Why? What did I even do to deserve that? I've made a lot of mistakes, I'll be the first to admit it, but I feel like I have been tossed into a shark tank and now I have to be eaten alive because I wasn't taught how to swim and even if I was, it wouldn't matter because I didn't have good enough of an upbringing to make me strong. I have no idea what I'm doing, I need help, but I'm being left to die instead.
Normal, well-adjusted people dream of climbing the social ladder, landing their dream job, getting married, having a nice car .etc., and nowadays I spend my days dreaming about the bare minimum. I can't even bond properly with other mentally ill people, no one is desperate enough to want anything to do with me. It hurts even more because for me, familiarity with people, as well as exercising those social muscles, actually makes it easier; I get better at it. I've seen glimpses of it before and during my childhood, as well as my early teens, I didn't have the difficulty I do now at all.
And what's with social norms? Why are they so cruel and exclusionary and why is it that so many people like to think they're against them (or open minded, yanno), but it is not possible to just... go up to people and be blunt with them? Even online? I'd never try, because I know it's "desperate" and it'd end in disaster, but I honestly wish I could just beg people to give me a chance even if it'd be awkward at first and may not lead to anything, akin to a starving person pleading for food.
I wish my problems were truly considered problems by society as a whole. Somehow, I'm a terrible, inferior person for wanting company so badly. I'm supposed to love myself, to be whole on my own, but society as a whole hasn't lived its entire life without friends, romantic relationships or even familial affection. It's so, so painful. I'm tired of crying because of it, I'm tired of being in so much agony all of the time. I don't want to die, but the pain of cutting myself, setting myself on fire, suffocating, drowning and so on, pale in comparison to the crushing misery I'm constantly in.
I recently bought a harp. I thought maybe learning to play it might distract me. I've begun to think about employment, about leaving my mother's house. I have been eating healthier, practicing skincare. I have a consultation for a breast reduction coming up soon. I've been doing things like this for months to no avail. I need people to live, to relieve some of this pain, even if only temporarily, to be able to do anything else. I have no energy and I can't endure everything. Something has to give and it won't. It never will.
