Venting i dont want to die

[Life_and_Death]

i have so many hobbies. people that love me. a future to look forward to. but i have no choice. i cant keep living like this. even days of joy are "cloudy". i have physical problems, lower back pain that is at the very least in constant discomfort all the way to limping at times, although not often, its more a temporary constant dull pain or a sharp jab of pain and some times nerve pain going down my legs and maybe my arms at times (so rare i cant remember), lots of headaches, eating disorder (i put this under physical because its not "optional" but i literally can go several days not feeling hungry or having any desire for food), i can physically feel my skin, its weird and i hate how sensitive i am. short term memory problem, although caused by mental disorders and being high most likely doesnt help. but none of these are the cause. i dont really feel anything towards these problems. i mean nothing other then "omg fuck off". my problem is in my head. i got "better" but its not helping. im not suicidal the way i was before. im not suicidal suicidal, i just need out. i dont want to. i love life. but whats going on inside my head.....i cant handle that. constantly remembering everything, always thinking. and death...its everywhere. it can get me at any second. i dont want it to be sudden. FUCK and this....this is one of the things i hate the most. i want to talk, i want to just get out all my thoughts and feelings. i can think about them and think about them but i cant say them. i start talking and they just disappear like they were never there. i know there was more i wanted to say. theres so much bothering me internally, and i guess internally is where its going to stay......i just cant figure out what i wanted to say anymore.....i guess ill try again next time.

all i know is i love life.....but its kicking me in the ass and it really hurts.

 

[Squiddy]

im not suicidal suicidal, i just need out

I know how you feel. I don't exactly feel the same level of suicidal as before, but I still have moments where I want out this life :(

 

[Life_and_Death]

I know how you feel. I don't exactly feel the same level of suicidal as before, but I still have moments where I want out this life :(

it still hits me like that occasionally. but for the most part i feel like im racing death

 

[Squiddy]

it still hits me like that occasionally. but for the most part i feel like im racing death

I wish these feelings could go away forever, but I just can't shake them