I don't want to die mentally, but my chronic illness has ruined my life

[lapislazu]

I know life can be good. After years of struggling with depression, I was finally able to pull myself out of it and realize that, as long as I had myself, I would be ok.

However, I no longer "have myself". After an accident last year, I have developed an extremely painful chronic illness - CRPS (complex regional pain syndrome). The excrutiating pain started in my left knee, but the pain then spread to my right knee in January, and now it's spread to both of my ankles. This disease is slowly claiming me, but it will never kill me. It will just make my life more and more miserable until I can't walk, can't sleep, can't breathe without experiencing this unbelievable burning pain.

It's such a shame because I want to live. I want to experience life normally, with its normal ups and downs. But this is anything but normal. I can't fight through the ups and downs of life with a crippling disability. I don't know what to do other than die. I can't live like this. I'm only 23, I was supposed to have my whole life ahead of me, so many important moments to experience. But with chronic illness, it's about accepting that it simply wont get better. My life is altered permanently and I dont want it anymore

 

[WhiteRabbit]

I can relate to this. I have an autoimmune disease and horrible nerve pain in my lower body. I also want to live, but can't because of incurable illness and pain. I've been in pain management for years with only mild relief. I don't want to live like this, and yet I can't seem to pull the trigger and die.

 

[AllHopeIsLost]

Feeling this way also. Two catastrophic mistakes have led to 10 years of deteriorating health. All the experiences missed, becoming a burden to my family and friends. Knowing I can never again become the person I was before. No energy, unable to think clearly, chronic pain and now I've realised worse of all is the insomnia and having no temporary escape at night and having to face the following day tired having had poor sleep. Also no official diagnosis so until that point most people probably believe I'm crazy. I desperately don't want to ruin my families life by ending it but there comes a limit on how much suffering an individual is willing to experience.

 

[mirage]

I'm in the same boat with an illness that has made life unlivable. I have accepted my fate as there's nothing I can do to change it and this has made it psychologically easier to deal with it and be content while I am here for my remaining time. I try to think that there's always someone in a worse position, so I try to look on the bright side.

 

[quietbird]

I know life can be good. After years of struggling with depression, I was finally able to pull myself out of it and realize that, as long as I had myself, I would be ok.

However, I no longer "have myself". After an accident last year, I have developed an extremely painful chronic illness - CRPS (complex regional pain syndrome). The excrutiating pain started in my left knee, but the pain then spread to my right knee in January, and now it's spread to both of my ankles. This disease is slowly claiming me, but it will never kill me. It will just make my life more and more miserable until I can't walk, can't sleep, can't breathe without experiencing this unbelievable burning pain.

It's such a shame because I want to live. I want to experience life normally, with its normal ups and downs. But this is anything but normal. I can't fight through the ups and downs of life with a crippling disability. I don't know what to do other than die. I can't live like this. I'm only 23, I was supposed to have my whole life ahead of me, so many important moments to experience. But with chronic illness, it's about accepting that it simply wont get better. My life is altered permanently and I dont want it anymore

This breaks my heart. I am so sorry. I would hope they could give you something to ease the pain... it seems so terrible that they don't. I want you to live because you do still want to live. Though I also can't imagine the pain and fear you must feel. I would perhaps keep seeing if there are options for help that you haven't been presented with yet? Sometimes you have to be pushy and to seek second opinions. Maybe see if there's things on the horizon that they have optimism for in terms of future treatment options? Hug.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

It really sucks that you have to suffer from such a disease in young age.

I can relate although I'm more than double your age and our situations are totally different.

It's the worst if we wanna live but uncontrollable circumstances make our lives bad so we end up contemplating suicide to be relieved from our pain.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you have to suffer so much in this existence, it's just so cruel to me how there's all this pain and suffering with no limit as to how much agony one can feel but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[lapislazu]

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied to this, either relating or offering sympathy. It means the world. When I am mentally capable I will reply to these. Thank you for the support when I otherwise feel so alone battling this

 

[seizmic_purple]

I'm in the same boat and relate to your post completely. I'm so sorry this has happened to you at such a young age.
For me, I feel like every day is a round-table negotiation between me, my body, and death, until I ultimately gain the courage to stop negotiating. There will not be any other kind of future for me except suffering, and it is just not worth it.
I think people in my life would never understand or accept my attitude, as if there is an implicit virtue or value in suffering. Maybe there is, but I strongly believe it is on us and us alone to decide about that.

I hope SaSu will help you cope. I found in it a place of non-judgement and understanding I never hoped to find.
All the best for you.