Note: I don't want to come of as a pro-lifer, nor I want to disrespect anyone, I swear upon my life.
Ten years ago, when I was fifteen years old... I would stay alone on my computer most of the time, wondering if the future would be better... If someday I would have a small chance at happiness, at being a normal person, at just... Existing, I guess.
Now, ten years later... It's almost the same, I spend most of my time alone on my computer, and I'm no longer a teenager, but someone who's five years away from being thirty years old.
I'm a very, distorted individual... To the point I don't want to die because I don't want to harm anyone else, but if I had a method like a gun, and no one who cared about me, I would end myself in a heartbeat. Honestly... I've been just surviving rather than living. I tried to find new hobbies, I tried to socialize as much as I could, I've tried every single method I've known to change my life, from therapy, medication, meditation, self-improvement, and even magical solutions (like asking someone if I was cursed or something like that, or finding ways to dispel curses or increase luck. I know it sounds crazy, but I'm that desperate), and nothing changes at all... Perhaps I was born different enough to seldom fit with others, and neurotypical enough to recognize that I'm not like anyone else, and I can't do anything about it...
Unconditional love is something I've barely had in my life... Other than my family, or very few friends, I've always had to prove my worth as a person. Words, actions, explanations and so on... Existing hasn't been enough...
Now... The suicidal thoughts are back, the cold, frigid pain in my legs (mostly my feet bones), knowing that my life is just... Insanely empty. Is this what things will be from now on, regardless of my efforts to improve things? Go to therapy to try to cope with reality, graduate and get a job, work as a psychologist for the next thirty nine years... What if I will have to deal with people who's suffering can't be fully healed? Will I have to give them false hope? What if someone dies because I wasn't strong enough to save them? Also... Making more and more enemies as time goes by, while I lose my remaining friends, and I see my grandfather, grandaunt and grandmother grow frailer until they die... Once my mom and maternal uncle also die, I will have no extended family I'm truly close to, which means I have like, 35-45 Years before that might happen... I don't think I could last another forty years of living as minimum...
I'm even thinking that, the only way I could kill myself, is jump towards a river. That way, no one else will be hurt, and if the fall doesn't kill me, drowning will... I'm sorry but, I'm tired of living a life, that will most likely be based on pity, betrayals, conflicts and hatred... I tried, I tried listening to my therapist, thinking in a more positive way, but if I was fucked up ten years ago and I still haven't changed... Worst part is, I'm afraid that I will someday succumb to darkness, that I will begin being sarcastic or making others feel bad via cruel words or insults, losing what little humanity I have help... I've tried everything, and nothing changes, once an outcast, always an outcast, I guess...
Ten years ago, when I was fifteen years old... I would stay alone on my computer most of the time, wondering if the future would be better... If someday I would have a small chance at happiness, at being a normal person, at just... Existing, I guess.
Now, ten years later... It's almost the same, I spend most of my time alone on my computer, and I'm no longer a teenager, but someone who's five years away from being thirty years old.
I'm a very, distorted individual... To the point I don't want to die because I don't want to harm anyone else, but if I had a method like a gun, and no one who cared about me, I would end myself in a heartbeat. Honestly... I've been just surviving rather than living. I tried to find new hobbies, I tried to socialize as much as I could, I've tried every single method I've known to change my life, from therapy, medication, meditation, self-improvement, and even magical solutions (like asking someone if I was cursed or something like that, or finding ways to dispel curses or increase luck. I know it sounds crazy, but I'm that desperate), and nothing changes at all... Perhaps I was born different enough to seldom fit with others, and neurotypical enough to recognize that I'm not like anyone else, and I can't do anything about it...
Unconditional love is something I've barely had in my life... Other than my family, or very few friends, I've always had to prove my worth as a person. Words, actions, explanations and so on... Existing hasn't been enough...
Now... The suicidal thoughts are back, the cold, frigid pain in my legs (mostly my feet bones), knowing that my life is just... Insanely empty. Is this what things will be from now on, regardless of my efforts to improve things? Go to therapy to try to cope with reality, graduate and get a job, work as a psychologist for the next thirty nine years... What if I will have to deal with people who's suffering can't be fully healed? Will I have to give them false hope? What if someone dies because I wasn't strong enough to save them? Also... Making more and more enemies as time goes by, while I lose my remaining friends, and I see my grandfather, grandaunt and grandmother grow frailer until they die... Once my mom and maternal uncle also die, I will have no extended family I'm truly close to, which means I have like, 35-45 Years before that might happen... I don't think I could last another forty years of living as minimum...
I'm even thinking that, the only way I could kill myself, is jump towards a river. That way, no one else will be hurt, and if the fall doesn't kill me, drowning will... I'm sorry but, I'm tired of living a life, that will most likely be based on pity, betrayals, conflicts and hatred... I tried, I tried listening to my therapist, thinking in a more positive way, but if I was fucked up ten years ago and I still haven't changed... Worst part is, I'm afraid that I will someday succumb to darkness, that I will begin being sarcastic or making others feel bad via cruel words or insults, losing what little humanity I have help... I've tried everything, and nothing changes, once an outcast, always an outcast, I guess...
