Venting i don't want to die, but need to

[vampire2002]

i don't know if i want to die so much as it is i feel that i have to die. i'm scared, but i'm driven into such a corner. if i don't end it sometime within the next 7 months, my life will get exponentially worse. in a way i truly don't believe i will be able to cope with, given my severe ocd. my mental health is pretty much guaranteed to plummet to even lower depths than it already has.

the worst part is i can't wait and see because i will most likely have no privacy at all and be completely unable to ctb. which means doing a more risky method in the middle of nowhere or something. which i find unlikely to be successful, due to my high survival instinct and other difficulties.

i don't know if i genuinely want to die, but i know if i don't do it soon, i will probably live to regret it. i feel like i'm being forced to die by a world not made to help people like me and a family who truly doesn't actually care about me. i do want to live, but this world doesn't want me to live in it, if that makes sense. (not that i believe the world itself is actually sentient.) i'm left dangling without the support i need. i cannot function as the world believes i should, and my family deeply resents and looks down on me for that.

i dream of living a happy life, but given my circumstances, my mental and physical health, it really seems like that's impossible. and i'm not the type of person who can be unrealistically optimistic, i truly don't have it in me to lie to myself (much to my past therapist's dismay.) i genuinely don't believe i can ever recover from these things that are ailing me. i've been trying for so long, years and years. i've been suicidal for almost half my life now.

people are not only tired of trying to help me, they're tired of me in general. i'm too much of a burden and they're trying to get rid of me, and i cannot keep living with this constant, suffocating guilt and anxiety. i think they'd honestly feel relieved if i ctb.

but i don't want to, not truly, deep down. i want to live a happy, peaceful life. i don't want to bother anybody like i do. i'm unable to take care of myself completely though due to my illnesses, so i'm stuck like this. and it's only going to get worse.
i'm planning on buying my sn soon, finally found a source. i've considered so many methods, but think i will go with this finally, over all else. i'm scared and it feels unfair that i have to go, but it still feels like the better option. i wish i could've lived a happy life. even if human life is brief and meaningless anyway, i wish i could've enjoyed it more.

i do think this world has good things to offer. i just feel like my circumstances, trauma from years of abuse, mental and physical illness, and the way this world has been structured hold me back from truly being able to appreciate and enjoy them. i'm trying to do the little things i can while i'm still here though. i've given up on recovery and am mainly just trying to enjoy my remaining months as much as i can, despite my suffering and limitations.

i feel a lot of resentment too, i won't deny it. but i'm slowly but surely coming to terms with my upcoming departure. things are already so bad i can barely manage to get through the day, in the future it will be literally impossible without me completely losing my mind. i'm so, so exhausted. i can't keep doing this for too much longer. all i wanted from life was peace and contentment, simple happiness, nothing too extravagant. and all i got was abuse and trauma and pain and stress and guilt and hate and exclusion. it's so cruel.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

That's a really crappy situation to be in with not actually wanting to die, but thinking you have to. Being that you feel like that do you honestly think you're going to be able to overcome SI if you try to ctb? I think you have to take that into consideration. I ask it as a genuine question.

And the regret thing. I promised myself if I ever found the opportunity to jump I would. But honestly? Who knows what would happen at that exact moment in time. But I could definitely see myself regretting if I didn't do it for the rest of my life.

You know I relate with the OCD. I think back to when I was at my worst with it a few years ago, and if I had nearly as much suicidal ideation at that time, I can't imagine what would've happened. It was a recipe for disaster.

I don't know about your physical illnesses, but I know if I had one on top of my mental health issues that it would make me even more suicidal. We've all had that exhaustion feeling from our mental illness at some point. I used to naturally sleep great because it was the only time I got relief from my OCD and I was physically exhausted from doing my compulsions throughout the day. These days I go to bed just wishing it would magically be over.
I wouldn't say I feel resentment like you, but I have noticed the past year I have definitely grown more angry. More at the world than directed at anyone specific.

I don't know what I can say or any advice to give to you. If you ever want to talk, I am here. (I think- I have yet to actually use DM lol)

 

[vampire2002]

Being that you feel like that do you honestly think you're going to be able to overcome SI if you try to ctb?

honestly, if i tried rn i'm sure i would fail. but i'm taking my time. and as the date grows nearer to 7 months i'm sure so will my will to ctb. me wanting to die isn't a new thing, and this isn't the only reason fueling it, just a large part. however if it wasn't for this, i think i would try to last longer and see if things got better for me.

You know I relate with the OCD. I think back to when I was at my worst with it a few years ago, and if I had nearly as much suicidal ideation at that time, I can't imagine what would've happened. It was a recipe for disaster.

exactly, it is such a large motivator for me to ctb as well because i don't know how much longer i am willing to keep this up. it's been years, i've been trying to recover for most of them (after i was told i was suffering from ocd) and it's not gone well. progress comes so slow and a little slip up can set you back so far. it's self-induced torture.

 

[Hotsackage]

What's you're ocd, I can relate, life with ocd is a nightmare, people don't realize when it is bad, it's truly beyond debilitating, but there are ways to cope. I'm sorry we're stuck with this horrid illness.

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

I understand the sentiment. Don't want to live, don't want to die. Hanging in limbo. There is no choice but to die.

 

[needthebus]

if you want to live on some level, instead of planning to die, plan for life

make out a plan of the things you want to do to make your life better

don't take this the wrong way, but you seem like someone who should not commit suicide

be selfish and live

 

[NoPoint2Life]

What's you're ocd, I can relate, life with ocd is a nightmare, people don't realize when it is bad, it's truly beyond debilitating, but there are ways to cope. I'm sorry we're stuck with this horrid illness.

I'm sorry you have OCD too. It's life consuming. What type do you have?

I have contamination OCD. Not quite the one where I am terrified of germs because of just getting sick… although I haven't been sick in at least seven years now, so of course I am nervous about it and dreading it because it will put my OCD in overdrive. I just want everything sanitized for whatever reason.I can't even touch a light switch downstairs and then touch a light switch upstairs, which is my area , because I want my area to be sanitary. used to run around and wipe up every surface immediately that My parents would touch and I would do it right in front of that much. It didn't make them feel too great that I was thinking they were disgusting. Luckily I have improved a lot with that part now.

 

[iwantmycatback]

It feels wrong to say I'm "glad" to see this thread detailing exactly how I feel, but it is comforting. Life with OCD is hell.