Venting I don't want to die, but is it okay to live?

[expiredheart]

I had a call with the neuropsychologist after my testing and they confirmed my fear that there is no real reason that I haven't graduated or been able to stay employed. Above average intelligence they told me. I should be able to do things. yet it feels so impossible, and when I am able to do something, the impact is so minimal it doesn't make any difference. I still haven't graduated high school. I've tried a lot of different school environments. I'm still enrolled and my goal was to focus on one class at a time. Even that has been too much for me, people are offering me money to do school and I can't do it. and if I did finish the one class, then what? I have to complete twenty more classes? I will be too old by the time I have enough credits. I don't know if its my lack of motivation or if I'm simply lazy. I almost wish I had an easier excuse like that I'm stupid, but I'm not stupid. I process things slower than most others and it makes me feel stupid, but I'm not. I've always learned quickly in lectures, but in practice I can't produce meaningful work. I have a problem with the quality of my work and perfectionism. I can't bring myself to do something if I'm not confident it will produce something meaningful. I don't exactly know where I'm going with this, I just wanted to write some of the thoughts that have been filling my mind. I feel incompetent. I feel that there's no way it's this difficult for normal people to get on with life. (and to have meaningful, expressible thoughts.)

It is so hard for me to be reliable. I try so hard but something is always keeping me fearful. I worry so much about the future, I know there will be a point that it's unacceptable for me to rely on my parents and I've been trying to think of a compromise. Realistically I don't see a future where I can support myself. I'd want to be a wound care specialist if I did have a real job, but I feel lost in trying to get there, and staying there. Maybe I will wake up one day and I'll feel capable again. I try to be hopeful but I think my family and care team is losing hope for me. I am planning my suicide to happen when I reach the point of it being unacceptable to live with my parents. I didn't want to die but it does feel like the only realistic option.

My diminishing hope:
I have also been working on opening my store online where I will sell my handmade things. I'm told I won't make enough money from this to live off of though, I believe that is true. This is really the only part I would like feedback on if anyone reads this (though feedback on any parts of this is okay): Is it acceptable to still live with my parents throughout my 20s or so, maybe I'm in school to get a job, maybe I'm not. I am actively selling my handmade things and using the small profit to buy the things I want, while my parents only help me with providing necessities. (also important to mention that my parents value my safety over all else. They would rather me be safe than finishing high school, but I don't know how far this grace extends into the future.) Is this taking too much and not giving enough back to the world? I'm so scared of taking too much, or using too much, it is one of the main things driving me to my eventual suicide. Neither my therapist nor I think I will be able to support myself in the future, she tells me I will have to live in a group home. I don't like how this sounds, I would feel bad to use so many resources for myself. The world would benefit from me being gone and taken care of all at once.

I really don't think suicide is right for me, but I am incompatible with the world.

 

[Jadeith]

they confirmed my fear that there is no real reason that I haven't graduated or been able to stay employed

Lack of neuropsychological reason (because that's what you were tested for) doesn't mean there's no reason at all.

when I am able to do something, the impact is so minimal it doesn't make any difference

Or your mind tells you so. Besides, not every move we make is ripe with effect. Changes that are made by our actions are usually minuscule.

I don't know if its my lack of motivation or if I'm simply lazy

That's the same thing. If you see no reward then what's the point? Lazy people are lazy because in their view rewards of performing certain task are not worth the effort.

I can't bring myself to do something if I'm not confident it will produce something meaningful.

And here we got our reason - if you can't reach outcome you desire because you tell yourself it won't be perfect anyway then you decided to conserve your energy and do not perform the task at all. Thing is, perfection is almost never attained on the first try. It requires training and training means failures and imperfections.

Is it acceptable to still live with my parents throughout my 20s

I find it unacceptable to leave it for others to decide. It's only for you and your parents to decide. No one else. If you want my opinion then yes, it is acceptable if they find it acceptable. But as i mentioned, my opinion on this particular matter should be irrelevant to you.

I would feel bad to use so many resources for myself. The world would benefit from me being gone and taken care of all at once.

The world would benefit from you overcoming your weaknesses not from your absence. If you do manage to identify what's holding you back and work on it, you could always contribute something to the world, not to mention to become an inspiration for others. Leaving will just rip a bleeding hole in your loved ones' lives. No benefit at all.

 

[MathConspiracy]

Oh my, we have a lot in common.

You remind me of the way I was about a year ago. You seem like you have something to still live for, like the business idea of yours. I normally wouldn't say this, but if you still have something that makes you feel like life is worth it but you struggle with suicidal thoughts, now's the time to reach out. I didn't do it in time and now I have no motivation to rise from this and I see suicide as my only option. Don't go that far unless you really want to die.

Is it acceptable to still live with my parents throughout my 20s or so, maybe I'm in school to get a job, maybe I'm not. I am actively selling my handmade things and using the small profit to buy the things I want, while my parents only help me with providing necessities.

Depends on your country. In my country that is not popular at all, but it seems like a common practice in Southern and Central Europe.

Would you like to talk some time? Feel free to message me when your DMs open (just keep posting).

Wishing you the best. And welcome to SaSu, by the way!

 

[getoutgirl]

First of all I don't think that because you neuropsychologist told you you are above average intelligence that means "there is no Real reason" for what you are going through. You Are going through it regardless and it sounds painful and exhausting, so I'm sorry.

I think it's acceptable to stay with your parents if otherwise you could posibly die. I think it's very acceptable to try and care for yourself. I know how hard it is to believe that when you are in that position though. I've been there for a long time, and it's a daily struggle to accept it, that you can posibly deserve it. Why me? Some days you will, others all the voices of shame and calls you'd be better off will creep in. You know they ain't true, but they are still there, and they can drown out everything.

I've felt those exact same feelings of burden, of being a leech that never gets better. They are nasty thoughts born our of fear, guilt, and a kind nature that cares for others. That feels like should be giving something back, even when you can barely give anything to yourself. It's difficult to care for oneself when you got these thougths prancing round and wrecking your mind. It's so hard.
This is all to say I feel you.
Stay if there is a part of you that wants to. Cling to that hope and hold it dear. Take it slow and be kind to yourself whenever day you feel you may be able to, don't miss those opportunities I also hope your situation can improve and it get's easier to fight against those thoughts.
If you want to talk or vent anything I'm around also. All my love to ya <333333