Help I don’t want to die, but I have to.

[xLosthopex]

So I think I've been in denial about the fact that I don't actually want to die, but that I HAVE to, and that's probably a big reason why SI is so strong for me and why I still haven't ctb despite having N

I think, in a way, I've tried to glamourize/romanticize ctb in my head to make it easier for me to come to terms with the fact it's something I'll have to go through with very soon
Because the reality is that there are many things in my life that are(were) worth living for, things I enjoy, people I love etc. but(and I won't go into detail so please just take my word for it) I've fucked up my life to an irredeemable extent that I know logically that the only choice left for me is to ctb, and having to accept that and come to terms with the fact that I've ruined my own life and all the potential I had, knowing I'll be leaving behind all the things I loved about life and not be able to fulfill all the things I wanted to do, see the places I wanted to see etc. is really heartbreaking

I know ctb is the right choice for me and the only thing that can bring me true peace, but the thought of it also fills me with such sadness, grief and despair thinking about all the things I'll be leaving behind
Not to mention the fear I have around the dying process itself(I suffer with panic attacks and ironically am a major hypochondriac) so I've no doubt that the brief amount of time I'll be conscious after drinking N will be filled with panic and fear, and that scares me

So the question is now how can I make myself accept my fate/reality and just go through with it already?

And please don't comment things like "this is a sign that you're not ready/shouldn't ctb" because that is just not true. Or to just "get help"/"go to therapy", because believe me I HAVE exhausted all of my treatment options
I know that this is the right/necessary choice for my situation but that doesn't make it any less difficult

Can anyone else relate?

 

[ming]

I struggle with the exact same feelings, and even now I don't know the solution. All I can do is wait for the misery to build until the mental pain is so excruciating that it makes my fear go away. But in the mean time, I'm doing my best to improve my life, even though there is a chance it may be pointless.

 

[xrafinha]

I feel exacly the same as you, word for word. I like living but I've fucked up my life so badly there is no other choice but to die. It's funny that i'm also a hypocondriac and my mistakes envolved my health. I can relate.

 

[toforigivelife]

I can relate.

I am 52, unemployable, have a bad heart and temporal lobe epilepsy, hear voices, will be homeless in a matter of time and I have nowhere to go and no one to turn to.

I struggle between genuinely wanting to die because my mind no longer works the way it used to and because my clinical depression is just that bad and feeling lousy on other days because impending homelessness is my main reason for wanting to go.

Months ago I posted an idea about those on SS finding and organizing a safe home, a place where we could all live and help and support each other.

Now with my seizures and clinical depression I don't even know if I could handle that.

For those of you who don't want to die but feel that you have no other choice I hope you find a solution. It would be nice if everyone who feels this way could come together and help each other.

If I could help all of you I would.

 

[Judah]

I've tried to glamourize/romanticize ctb in my head to make it easier for me to come to terms with the fact it's something I'll have to go through with very soon

I have done the same several times, I often see CTB as a coincidence, as we are destined to die, our life cycle. Often IF it bothers me, the strongest form in which it has manifested itself is in drops in blood pressure. I just have to catch the right moment for CTB, so in a way I feel the same as you.

 

[HappyPotato]

i feel the same as you. I've fucked up my life a lot, and i don't think i can get better. I also try to romanticize ctb so I don't feel so terrible abt it.

 

[Bone]

yes i have no way to figure out this unsolveable mess. i enjoy many things and have numerous loved ones. but can't fix this and it's only gonna get worse over the next few yrs.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

I struggle with the exact same feelings, and even now I don't know the solution. All I can do is wait for the misery to build until the mental pain is so excruciating that it makes my fear go away. But in the mean time, I'm doing my best to improve my life, even though there is a chance it may be pointless.

I always thought everyone had a breaking point. But I see scores of homeless people living in agony. I know that during the winters many of them start to lose extremities like fingers and toes due to the cold temps and poor circulation. I don't think a rock bottom exists. Life can get much worse even if you think you are already in the gutters.

 

[Midgardsorm]

I feel exactly the same way.

I basically don't want to die, but I have to. I must. To go on living would be a greater sacrifice than I can bear and frankly, a foolish one. I've also screwed up my life in irreparable ways.And I am old enough now to try to fix life or learn how to live. Furthermore I firmly believe that I live with an evil force that prevents me from achieving anything.

I didn't get to try to glamorize ctb, I don't think I can, exactly for the things you said. I feel an enormous sadness when I think of the things I will leave behind. There are so many things I would love to do and people that make me feel like a real asshole to leave behind. But I have no other choice.


So, to get around this feeling I would first tell you not to "Go through with it already". Unless you really need to leave soon, take your time. Do everything you have to and can do. Knowing that you've finished everything will help when the time comes.

The moment should bring a sense of acceptance. Lately, some recent events have made me accept my fate, so I guess there is a moment when you will feel that it's over and the time is right.
When do you think you don't want to be around anymore? Maybe it's a year. You could set some kind of deadline even if you decide to postpone or anticipate later.

In any case, I like to see you around in the forum and in the servers. I will feel really sad to see you leave.

I am sorry that life has been so hard on you and led you down to this.

Wish you the best.

 

[Dot]

Relate. Own circumstance leaves SI on high alert 24/7. Am nervous if take SN will call for help, in which case will lose housing & likely end up on ward which will traumatiae further.

 

[Chockles]

Can relate.
I am in agony physically now on so many levels head to toe, can't sleep, bed ridden 10 months & feel completely poisoned now with severe nerve damage & inflammation. There is no recovery options. On top of that my mental health is off the scale as a result.

But I feared death not having any strong beliefs. Now however I've reached breaking point. I am existing only in torturous hell. Afterlife or nothingness can only be better either way.

I just wish I'd acquired N sooner as I so want to CBT today. I am so ready now but have to order & acquire it 1st.
I don't think any other options are available to me being bed ridden living with my elderly parents in extreme agony.

Have you tried preparing for taking N by consuming 200ml other bitter liquids or anything? I've bought botot yellow mouthspray it's said to help a bit with the taste of N. A couple times this week I've poured straight vodka or a mix of vodka with some some bitter extract supplements & practiced gulping it down. I know it's not the same as N but it's pretty horrid & I've managed it in under a minute with 6-7 gulps. I think it'll be the taste that'll be my main concern as I've tried other drug overdoses in the past when I was more naive before joining SS & my SI didn't stop me trying to end my life tho my attempts didn't work. More violent methods I've failed to go through with & now bed ridden they are no longer options.

I hope you can find peace when the time is right.

 

[Kennish]

I feel the same. I don't want to die, but I have to. There is too much suffering. I want to have a full life, but I will never be able to have it. And I envy the people around me that has it. How come their life is like that? They just wake up and enjoy their days. They cope. They have goals. They have meaning.

Since my teens I've been postponing it. It was always in the cards. It's not a matter of if I do it, it's a matter of time.

 

[Ednospatient]

I don't want to die, but I must. I've been dealing with an eating disorder for 5 years, and I'm pretty far into recovery but I'm fully aware I'll never recover. I've gained 70lbs and I haven't vomited in 4 months so you might think I'm doing good but no. I still struggle with food sometimes and I live every day fearing the next time I'll throw up. In addition to this, I have treatment resistant extreme depression that makes all of my days hell. My SN is coming next month so I'm pretty excited.

 

[ClownMe]

Me personally, I'm not scared of death itself, i'm just scared of dying and how painful it might be. The way I try to calm myself and reason it is that everyone is going to die some day and only a slim percentage of them have a totally painless passing, you have to do it at some point, it's a bit of a rite of passage, if you will, to gain eternal peace and to get away from the suffering of this world. I've realised there is no other option for me but suicide, because as long as im alive I will be in turmoil.

 

[xLosthopex]

Me personally, I'm not scared of death itself, i'm just scared of dying and how painful it might be. The way I try to calm myself and reason it is that everyone is going to die some day and only a slim percentage of them have a totally painless passing, you have to do it at some point, it's a bit of a rite of passage, if you will, to gain eternal peace and to get away from the suffering of this world. I've realised there is no other option for me but suicide, because as long as im alive I will be in turmoil.

Yes this is exactly what I say to myself also
I'm not afraid of death itself either, but am terrified of the dying process… I'm an atheist so I just believe that when I'm dead it will just be the same experience as before I was born ie just total oblivion, however that time I did intend/'attempt' to ctb with N a few months ago, in the moments leading up to it when I had poured the contents of the bottles into the glass, it was like all my logic and personal beliefs went out the window and I was filled with sudden panic and doubts, thoughts of the afterlife, heaven, hell etc. which is just so frustrating because I know that's not the real me or what I actually believe… ugh

 

[Dot]

Yes this is exactly what I say to myself also
I'm not afraid of death itself either, but am terrified of the dying process… I'm an atheist so I just believe that when I'm dead it will just be the same experience as before I was born ie just total oblivion, however that time I did intend/'attempt' to ctb with N a few months ago, in the moments leading up to it when I had poured the contents of the bottles into the glass, it was like all my logic and personal beliefs went out the window and I was filled with sudden panic and doubts, thoughts of the afterlife, heaven, hell etc. which is just so frustrating because I know that's not the real me or what I actually believe… ugh

Frustrating how fear changes whole perception of reality and believe all. Akin to momentary psychosis.

 

[Cherry xoxo]

So I think I've been in denial about the fact that I don't actually want to die, but that I HAVE to, and that's probably a big reason why SI is so strong for me and why I still haven't ctb despite having N

I think, in a way, I've tried to glamourize/romanticize ctb in my head to make it easier for me to come to terms with the fact it's something I'll have to go through with very soon
Because the reality is that there are many things in my life that are(were) worth living for, things I enjoy, people I love etc. but(and I won't go into detail so please just take my word for it) I've fucked up my life to an irredeemable extent that I know logically that the only choice left for me is to ctb, and having to accept that and come to terms with the fact that I've ruined my own life and all the potential I had, knowing I'll be leaving behind all the things I loved about life and not be able to fulfill all the things I wanted to do, see the places I wanted to see etc. is really heartbreaking

I know ctb is the right choice for me and the only thing that can bring me true peace, but the thought of it also fills me with such sadness, grief and despair thinking about all the things I'll be leaving behind
Not to mention the fear I have around the dying process itself(I suffer with panic attacks and ironically am a major hypochondriac) so I've no doubt that the brief amount of time I'll be conscious after drinking N will be filled with panic and fear, and that scares me

So the question is now how can I make myself accept my fate/reality and just go through with it already?

And please don't comment things like "this is a sign that you're not ready/shouldn't ctb" because that is just not true. Or to just "get help"/"go to therapy", because believe me I HAVE exhausted all of my treatment options
I know that this is the right/necessary choice for my situation but that doesn't make it any less difficult

Can anyone else relate?

I totally relate to this but, there's so much in life that I would have wanted to do but Ive lost all hope and I know there are ways to make things better but I just don't have the strength to do it anymore.
The thought of leaving my family behind makes me very emotional but at the same time I can't withstand anymore and I wish they would understand, I wish my friends would understand but no one does, I'm just so exhausted.

I spend every night crying myself to sleep and the only thing that brings me comfort is knowing that I won't be here to celebrate another birthday.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, I do want to die, there is nothing in this life for me and all I want is to not exist. I'm sorry you are in this situation, I can imagine it must be painful having things to live for but feeling like you have to leave. Life is just so cruel.

It is difficult to ctb as we are programmed to survive and it does require a lot of courage. That is what holds me back. If only it was easier to leave. I believe that I will eventually reach a point of desperation to be able to overcome this. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[user_name_here]

I feel this immensely. I relate.
Theres a deep soulful pain coming from this post, like a gutteral cry of hopelessness, I relate, I'm so sorry I can't say anything more helpful. I hate that other people have to feel like this

 

[Rational man]

Physical pain today is bad. Unable to find comfortable position. My body has betrayed me, despite being fit and healthy until last Year. I need release from.this. i accept death is not far from me now. Its not the number of Years in my life. Its what i did in my living Years. Im at peace with this. No regrets.❤

 

[Death is your gift]

Same here... There are many things and people that I like in this life. But even if it sounds irrational for many of my relatives, I cannot find how to overcome what is eating me inside. So I would like to be better and enjoy life, but as I am deeply convinced that I screwed up for good, dying is the only way out of this.

This is the inner battle inside many of us I suppose...

 

[sanu189]

So I think I've been in denial about the fact that I don't actually want to die, but that I HAVE to, and that's probably a big reason why SI is so strong for me and why I still haven't ctb despite having N

I think, in a way, I've tried to glamourize/romanticize ctb in my head to make it easier for me to come to terms with the fact it's something I'll have to go through with very soon
Because the reality is that there are many things in my life that are(were) worth living for, things I enjoy, people I love etc. but(and I won't go into detail so please just take my word for it) I've fucked up my life to an irredeemable extent that I know logically that the only choice left for me is to ctb, and having to accept that and come to terms with the fact that I've ruined my own life and all the potential I had, knowing I'll be leaving behind all the things I loved about life and not be able to fulfill all the things I wanted to do, see the places I wanted to see etc. is really heartbreaking

I know ctb is the right choice for me and the only thing that can bring me true peace, but the thought of it also fills me with such sadness, grief and despair thinking about all the things I'll be leaving behind
Not to mention the fear I have around the dying process itself(I suffer with panic attacks and ironically am a major hypochondriac) so I've no doubt that the brief amount of time I'll be conscious after drinking N will be filled with panic and fear, and that scares me

So the question is now how can I make myself accept my fate/reality and just go through with it already?

And please don't comment things like "this is a sign that you're not ready/shouldn't ctb" because that is just not true. Or to just "get help"/"go to therapy", because believe me I HAVE exhausted all of my treatment options
I know that this is the right/necessary choice for my situation but that doesn't make it any less difficult

Can anyone else relate?

I feel exactly the same. Messege me.

 

[user_name_here]

I feel exactly the same. Messege me.

@xLosthopex don't message this person, their history has them attempting to meet with multiple users.

Likely either looking get more info on you so they can blackmail, extort, or possibly meet and who knows what.

Please be safe, even in these most dire times, be careful

 

[sanu189]

@xLosthopex don't message this person, their history has them attempting to meet with multiple users.

Likely either looking get more info on you so they can blackmail, extort, or possibly meet and who knows what.

Please be safe, even in these most dire times, be careful

Dang! That's not true. I suffer from severe pain. I just got Nembutal 3 weeks ago and another one. I so want to go but I am afraid of struggling to die and living afterwards. I just wish I could talk to someone and do it together.

 

[user_name_here]

Dang! That's not true. I suffer from severe pain. I just got Nembutal 3 weeks ago and another one. I so want to go but I am afraid of struggling to die and living afterwards. I just wish I could talk to someone and do it together.

Look, if your telling the truth I wholeheartedly apologize, but plenty of bad people use this forum to prey on vulnerable people, particularly women, and your post history does seem a little suspect in how desperate you are to meet people irl.

Police also use this tactic and hell, they don't have a perfect track record of NOT preying on women, so yeah, apologies if you're genuine but I have to sound the alarm when I see shit like this.

 

[sanu189]

i am not desperate to meet anyone. I just want to make sure I do the right thing so I am not damaged afterwards. I haven't been here long enough. I am in fact bed bounded and not easy to go out to do it in hotel since I have large family. Someone's always around. I have hidden my Nembutal so I can take it but I can't seem to do the fasting for 12 hours since they willl know I haven't ate

 

[PatheticCase]

Honestly eerie and comforting to see that a lot of us are on the same boat. I know I also have a lot I'd be leaving behind but the fact that I've fucked up tremendously outweighs any upsides to keep on living. I think what's helping me is having a ctb date and looking at it as a definite end.

 

[xLosthopex]

@xLosthopex don't message this person, their history has them attempting to meet with multiple users.

Likely either looking get more info on you so they can blackmail, extort, or possibly meet and who knows what.

Please be safe, even in these most dire times, be careful

Suspected as much, they asked for my email lol

 

[user_name_here]

Suspected as much, they asked for my email lol

Oh FFS, knew it, and their here replying vehemently that they're just scared and suicidal lol

 

[Rational man]

Same here... There are many things and people that I like in this life. But even if it sounds irrational for many of my relatives, I cannot find how to overcome what is eating me inside. So I would like to be better and enjoy life, but as I am deeply convinced that I screwed up for good, dying is the only way out of this.

This is the inner battle inside many of us I suppose...

I've done alot of soul searching and reflecting and my plan makes sense. Im not one to die after a futile long battle with illness, surrounded by loved ones ( not that have any now ). Im ready now. I hate seeing my body gradually loose strength and waste away. I didnt sign up to this crap❤