Venting I don’t want to die, but I have literally no reason to live

[anonymousapple]

I don't have a family, and I don't have friends. Nothing holds my interest for longer than a week because of severe anhedonia. I have no way to meet anyone because I work full time now, and dating apps are trash (in the sense that you can get a lot of matches, but barely anyone is going to actually be capable of holding conversations)

It sucks because I'm actually a tall and fit dude, and I wouldn't say I'm hot, but I am probably a 6/10, so you'd think I wouldn't have a problem, but I'm so socially inept that it's unattractive. I have absolutely no charm, and worse, I'm half black and from my experience, every girl on these dating apps heavily prefers white guys.

The only things I have going for me are my huge level of empathy, my willingness to give a lot of attention, and my level of love and care I can hold for people, but... those seem to be things nobody is into anymore. Nobody is willing to give me the time it takes for me to warm up to them, and really, that's all I need, and my social ineptitude goes away for the most part and I can talk to them a lot more comfortably.

idk like, I don't want to die but I don't want to live because I'm going to have a permanently lonely existence and all my past experiences are going to continue to haunt me, I already have BPD, depression, anhedonia, manic depressive disorder, and anxiety of all kinds. I'm lucky I'm not going insane with schizophrenia yet.

 

[I want to end it]

When you say you don't have a family, do you mean they abandoned you or they died? The only thing that stopped me ctbing was my mother because I was worried how she would react.

I also do poorly on dating apps. I get almost completely ignored and I can't find anyone who can hold a conversation.

 

[anonymousapple]

When you say you don't have a family, do you mean they abandoned you or they died? The only thing that stopped me ctbing was my mother because I was worried how she would react.

I also do poorly on dating apps. I get almost completely ignored and I can't find anyone who can hold a conversation.

They're all dead, and even if they were alive, they were abusive and I wouldn't feel a connection to them to this day

I have foster parents but I don't have any emotional connection to them so to me, they literally just "exist". I say maybe 2 words to them a day.My plan was to save up money until I'm 23 and buy a house and I'm still on track for that, but I don't think I want to live that long.

 

[Theres_always_hope]

I have foster parents but I don't have any emotional connection to them so to me, they literally just "exist". I say maybe 2 words to them a day.My plan was to save up money until I'm 23 and buy a house and I'm still on track for that, but I don't think I want to live that long.

that is amazing, it gives you a goal and something to work towards.
Have you thought about trying to take on a hobby, as that is a great way to meet new people and who share the same interests as you.

plus you must be looking at the wrong dating apps, as i myself is half black and i know many women who prefer men with a multicultural background.

 

[anonymousapple]

that is amazing, it gives you a goal and something to work towards.
Have you thought about trying to take on a hobby, as that is a great way to meet new people and who share the same interests as you.

plus you must be looking at the wrong dating apps, as i myself is half black and i know many women who prefer men with a multicultural background.

I mentioned in the post that anhedonia keeps me from staying interested in anything for more than a week so that's literally impossible, the only three things I've managed to keep an interest in are food (hyper fast metabolism), sleep (don't have to deal with anything), and video games (although video games are starting to lose my interest)

 

[DeadButDreaming]

I'm 6'3 and handsome but shy. As soon as women detect that shyness they are out of there like a cork out of a champagne bottle. It's demoralizing. Seeing beautiful women walk by me and knowing I can't access them is tormenting. I can understand why Muslims keep their women covered: if I can't have it I don't want to know it exists.

My brain being fucked ruins every area of life.

 

[Stavrogin]

I don't have a family, and I don't have friends. Nothing holds my interest for longer than a week because of severe anhedonia. I have no way to meet anyone because I work full time now, and dating apps are trash (in the sense that you can get a lot of matches, but barely anyone is going to actually be capable of holding conversations)

It sucks because I'm actually a tall and fit dude, and I wouldn't say I'm hot, but I am probably a 6/10, so you'd think I wouldn't have a problem, but I'm so socially inept that it's unattractive. I have absolutely no charm, and worse, I'm half black and from my experience, every girl on these dating apps heavily prefers white guys.

I'm sorry I had to lighten up the mood lol.

'I was born, and my life was over.'

 

[Existingnotliving]

I don't have a family, and I don't have friends. Nothing holds my interest for longer than a week because of severe anhedonia. I have no way to meet anyone because I work full time now, and dating apps are trash (in the sense that you can get a lot of matches, but barely anyone is going to actually be capable of holding conversations)

It sucks because I'm actually a tall and fit dude, and I wouldn't say I'm hot, but I am probably a 6/10, so you'd think I wouldn't have a problem, but I'm so socially inept that it's unattractive. I have absolutely no charm, and worse, I'm half black and from my experience, every girl on these dating apps heavily prefers white guys.

The only things I have going for me are my huge level of empathy, my willingness to give a lot of attention, and my level of love and care I can hold for people, but... those seem to be things nobody is into anymore. Nobody is willing to give me the time it takes for me to warm up to them, and really, that's all I need, and my social ineptitude goes away for the most part and I can talk to them a lot more comfortably.

idk like, I don't want to die but I don't want to live because I'm going to have a permanently lonely existence and all my past experiences are going to continue to haunt me, I already have BPD, depression, anhedonia, manic depressive disorder, and anxiety of all kinds. I'm lucky I'm not going insane with schizophrenia yet.

You will find someone who appreciates and loves you as much as you do them :) Empathy, care, love and attention is what most women look for in a partner, they are excellent traits so please don't say you only have those going for you because they see amazing qualities to have and you will find someone to appreciate you, sometimes it just takes time. Please do not feel worthless because you're single. Your relationship status does not measure your worth on this Earth. You have a lot to give and one day you will find someone to share that with but until then keep working on yourself and your dreams, you can achieve and have a purpose in life without a relationship :)

 

[sweetness]

i get you. social ineptness is the worst thing ever. at this point i'm getting scared of even talking to my friends because i'm so certain i'll fuck up what we have. i'd rather leave them behind on a good note, with a good impression of me rather than dissapointing them with how i am now. the fact that you're still holding out is amazing though, honestly. no exaggeration. you know you're at least a bit attractive, that you're empathetic and caring, and so many other positive attributes. you still have hope, and a self esteem. cling onto them. you sound like a really nice guy. good luck out there.

 

[anonymousapple]

i get you. social ineptness is the worst thing ever. at this point i'm getting scared of even talking to my friends because i'm so certain i'll fuck up what we have. i'd rather leave them behind on a good note, with a good impression of me rather than dissapointing them with how i am now. the fact that you're still holding out is amazing though, honestly. no exaggeration. you know you're at least a bit attractive, that you're empathetic and caring, and so many other positive attributes. you still have hope, and a self esteem. cling onto them. you sound like a really nice guy. good luck out there.

some people have said that, about the "it's amazing you're still here" thing, but idk how long it's going to be until i'm not here

I didn't mean to make this post seem like it was all about me not being able to find a romantic partner. I've had a few in the past, although I got cheated on, and it's extremely hard for me to find people nowadays. this post was mainly how I can't enjoy anything anymore.

i made a comment in another post but i'll type it here too; everything is darkness now. I literally can't enjoy music anymore, can't enjoy video games, can't enjoy working out, and I'm starting to lose interest in basic human necessities like eating and sleeping

anhedonia by itself is manageable, but when it's combined with depression, borderline, manic, a 9-5 job, and social ineptitude (no friends to help get you by), it's terrible. it's gotten to the point where i can't enjoy anything at all, and the only thing I can even think about now is just CTBing and getting it over with. It's scary and I wish things worked out differently in my life, and I wish I at least had a friend to try to talk to

 

[downtotherivertoplay]

Hey. I really feel you. I've had anhedonia as well... and if you don't want to die but don't want to live.. I am totally here to chat with you if you need a friend.

With anhedonia, it's really shitty. I hope it's okay if I share a few things with you from my experience. As frustrating as it is, patience is really key. I saw no way out of my loneliness and pain because it was all I knew. I received some sage advice and focused on building up my sense of enjoyment from really simple things.. literally going for a walk to a dog park just to watch them, or watching videos of kids eating their favourite things. It's sort of like.. pleasure needed to be manufactured until it started to flourish on its own. "Fake it till you make it" seems like an annoying cliche but I found it held truth in returning some enjoyment to my life. I started volunteering with plants, that was meaningful to me and introduced me to a compassionate community. Volunteering is a really cool low-pressure way to get a little social interaction and sense of meaning. I know with COVID it's hard to find opportunities for that; I'm on the lookout for them where I am since I'm in a tough spell. You're so young, and what comes in the future isn't going to be a repeat of the past. Qualities like empathy and kindness are true gifts that have the potential to bring loving people into your life.


Hugs.

EDIT: If this is a bit intrusive just lemme know and I can delete it. I don't know many folks who like unsolicited advice. ;)