Help I don’t want to die but I feel like that’s the best option

[Ogredose]

I've struggled with depression my entire life. My brother killed himself when I was 11. My dad has abused drugs and is mentally ill and my mom doesn't speak to me anymore. I have incredible friends and the most loving boyfriend but I don't feel like I'm enough for them anymore. I'm lazy, awkward, and can't contain my emotions. I don't know what the fuck to do. I'm in a hole right now and all I can think about is the time I could have successfully killed myself if I didn't chicken out and tell my dad when it happened. Things have gotten better but my mental health is deteriorating and I feel like pulling the trigger or just disappearing would be my best bet. I don't want to be a burden anymore.

 

[maru.]

I've struggled with depression my entire life. My brother killed himself when I was 11. My dad has abused drugs and is mentally ill and my mom doesn't speak to me anymore. I have incredible friends and the most loving boyfriend but I don't feel like I'm enough for them anymore. I'm lazy, awkward, and can't contain my emotions. I don't know what the fuck to do. I'm in a hole right now and all I can think about is the time I could have successfully killed myself if I didn't chicken out and tell my dad when it happened. Things have gotten better but my mental health is deteriorating and I feel like pulling the trigger or just disappearing would be my best bet. I don't want to be a burden anymore.

I'd like to start of by saying that i'm very sorry about all of the terrible things you've had to go through in your life, it sucks really bad.

Still, just because life started off badly, it doesn't mean it has be like this forever, life can change for the better, the problem is that it's hard, and to a lot of people, it can seem impossible (We are on a suicide forum afterall).

I'm not very good at giving advice, but i'll try my best at expressing what i think you can do.

First, i think relationships are the biggest thing you can focus on right now.

Family is the most obvious place to start. You've mentioned that your mother doesn't speak to you anymore, what happened between you two? (I know this is very personal, so i understand if you don't want to give details), perhaps reconnecting with her could make you happier somehow, depending on what you feel about her.

With your dad, you've mentioned him using drugs and being mentally ill, however when you "chickened out" (I don't like this expression tbh, to me suicide takes more courage than people give it credit, you're braver than you think) you told him, so i assume you at least trust him and like him somewhat, tho i can't say that for sure, but again, same thing i said about your mom, maybe trying to spend more time with him and even help him overcome his troubles (Drug addiction and mental illness) could give you more purpose and fullfilment, for both of you actually.

Now, where i really want to get at, you've mentioned incredible friends and a loving boyfriend, but you feel like you're "not enough for them anymore", i know we don't really know each other, but you've got to trust me on this one, there's no such thing as not being enough for the people that like you, or being a burden.

When people like you, or even love you, it doesn't matter what you think about yourself, or if you feel like you don't deserve that love, it's still real, and it's a beautiful thing.

If you're insecure about how your friends and boyfriend feel about you, be transparent and talk to them about it and, if you can, maybe even open up about your mental health, they could prove to be really helpful, i'm sure of it.

Like i've said, i suck at giving advice, i personally feel like they're generic and i'm insecure about them not really helping anyone, or even making things worse, but this is what i could think about when reading what you've written.

I seriously hope it can help, and i can't wait to read your reply (If there is any, i don't want to pressure you into writing one if you don't want to), i want to know more about the details of your thoughts and relationships so that i can help in the best way i can, cheers.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I have incredible friends and the most loving boyfriend but I don't feel like I'm enough for them anymore. I'm lazy, awkward, and can't contain my emotions. I don't know what the fuck to do.

When I took an undergrad class in communications, we had an assignment to learn about ourselves. We had to ask questions from people who knew us with a goal of better self-understanding. Right now you see yourself as lazy, awkward, and unable to contain your emotions. Could you see yourself writing a list of questions and giving them to your friends and boyfriend and ask them what they see in you and what they appreciate about you?

I remember when I did this, people told me things they liked about me, and I learned to appreciate those things about myself. They also told me things that concerned them, like how I talked negatively about myself, and the things I said were things they didn't agree with, so I learned to talk more positively about myself and as a result I became a better friend and support to myself. People who care about you and want the best for you should be able to give you constructive criticism and feedback that will serve you rather than knock you down. Maybe you could write out a list of questions, and before you even ask them, answer those same questions about these people who are important to you, and when they've given you their responses, if they would like the same kind of feedback, you'll be able to give them the same kind of gift. That kind of exercise, even if you don't share it with them, can help you see what kinds of people you surround yourself with, and if they're good people and good influences, then that's also a reflection of you.

These are just my thoughts in response to your situation. If they don't appeal, no worries. I wish you the best, and I hope that the people you care about, as well as this community, can give you good support. You deserve it. Everyone does.

 

[muffin222]

I'm so sorry you're in this position. I do think that things can get better in the future, or even in the immediate present by making small changes to your thought processes or even your day to day routines. I don't know what that means for you individually, but if you take some time out to brainstorm, I'm sure you can think of some small tweaks you can make to feel better or improve your situation in some way

Best of luck

 

[autumnal]

I've struggled with depression my entire life. My brother killed himself when I was 11. My dad has abused drugs and is mentally ill and my mom doesn't speak to me anymore. I have incredible friends and the most loving boyfriend but I don't feel like I'm enough for them anymore. I'm lazy, awkward, and can't contain my emotions. I don't know what the fuck to do. I'm in a hole right now and all I can think about is the time I could have successfully killed myself if I didn't chicken out and tell my dad when it happened. Things have gotten better but my mental health is deteriorating and I feel like pulling the trigger or just disappearing would be my best bet. I don't want to be a burden anymore.

It sounds like you are currently feeling reasonable within yourself, but your motivations for suicide are your perception of how you influence others. A key element of depression is distorted perceptions and interpretations of ambiguous stimuli. Basically, how you see the world is likely negatively distorted and inaccurate. While your views may be slightly based on a minor fact, it's more than likely that you are in fact enough for your friends, and aren't as lazy, awkward or as much of a burden as you believe.

I would suggest doing something to help challenge and test your perceptions. Ideally this would be therapy, but if that is not an option then perhaps talking to your friends and partner and asking them for honest feedback might help convince you that how you are viewed by others isn't as dire as it seems currently.

This is not to suggest that someone cannot be both profoundly depressed and rational enough to assess their need to suicide. But that doesn't seem to be the case in your situation as you report it.

 

[Epsilon0]

@GoodPersonEffed

"That kind of exercise, even if you don't share it with them, can help you see what kinds of people you surround yourself with, and if they're good people and good influences, then that's also a reflection of you."


There's a wise saying that goes something like this: "Tell me who your friends are, so I know who you are."