I don't want to die but I can't keep feeling like this

[Miserable]

I got drunk last night and texted a girl I was trying to... I don't know, get to know better. We had a drink at her place a few days ago. She's really beautiful, far out of my league, but just being able to chase after her made me feel good. Well, she didn't like my attempts at humor and basically told me to fuck off.

I'm crushed.

I feel so alone. I feel so ugly and completely unlovable. I look in the mirror and I see a cute guy. I'm no alpha male but I'm cute (I thought) and when I love someone, I really really love them. It's all I really want. If I had love and someone to tell me that I was okay, that would honestly be enough for me.

I'm tired of being weird because I'm so desperate to hang on to anyone who pays me the slightest attention. It's humiliating. I'm tired of relationships that feel like she is always disappointed in me.

I know I need to learn how to make myself happy and I've been trying so many new things. I joined a book club started taking piano lessons. But none of it really helps.

What is there about me to love? I'm a black hole it seems. Dense with the depth of thought and emotion but no way to access it. It's lost in my insecurities and misery.

There are things I can't even talk about. One thing in particular that makes me feel so awful but even here, I'm too embarrassed to say it. I was able to write it down for a doctor once but I can't bring myself to say it.

I want someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be okay. That's all I ever wanted. But I've waited a long time now and I don't think its coming.

I've thought about getting surgery in a million places. I'd do anything if there was a way. But there isn't.

I need to die. I need to remove the stain of my existence from this earth. I need to redeem myself for all the bad I've done out of desperation. But I can't seem to just do it. There's no real reason to wait but I still somehow find myself living. Even this is an attempt to elicit pity, but what should it matter? It's over, I know it with every fiber of my being but I can't end it.

I'm tired of being this whiny little baby. I want to be a man and have the courage to do what needs to be done. For myself and for the world

 

[pole]

heyy, sorry you're feeling this way.

i understand, the step of loving yourself is extremely fricken hard. i dont ever gonna think im gonna be able to get over my body dysmorphia and be able to see myself as loveable; so you're words echoed with me. whenever we cant feel the ability to love ourselves, we seek the verification through wanting others to love and love us back. i mean shit, isolations a bitch. we often times wish we had someone to save us, cause we cant save ourselves.

you ask "whats there about me to love", solely then focusing on you're negatives. i dont even know you, and i can already see a characteristic about you that some people just take for granted. loving people. you love people, and when you love someone, as you said, you deeply love them. i dont even know you, but as a person who literally just met you a minute guy, iv already found something to love about you, that you're filled with compassion and love. and i wonder what else there is that you cant see about yourself.

it's great you've taken steps in trying to find ways in getting better through getting more involved in book clubs and piano lessons. but these are all distractions. cause there's still this huge lack of self-love and without fighting this urge to love yourself, you just wont feel free and be able to experience the enjoyment in things like book clubs and piano lessons, cause you're mind and heart is elsewhere.

dont think that you're wierd because you have this urge for wanting to build relationships and have a significant other. i want that all the fricken time and i always think its the only thing that can save me, a person i can find that can make me whole. but just think about it, do you think this inability to love is gonna disappear if you find someone? you're still gonna have this negativity, questioning why this person loves you, why there with you, there intentions, etc.. you cant run from it. i think id still feel shallow and just shitty if i had someone, it would make me feel better, but i still would have those feelings towards myself. look at people on here with healthy relationships and lovers who still struggle with loving themselves and hate themselves.

if you knew it was over, with every fiber of you're body, you would have ended it sooner, no questions asked. but there's hope lingering within you wishing and hoping things somehow change and holding out the chance of love. i would've went through with my ctb 5 months ago like i wanted to, if i felt the way i thought i felt.

However, it's you're choice in whatever you want to do from now and till the end. i guess i just wanted to reach out to you and tell you that you aren't alone because alot of what you said resonates with me and how i feel.

hope this shitty life gives you a break and gives you what you desire and deserve. and hope peace and happiness comes you're way in this life or through whatever chose you make. wish you the best.

 

[Final Escape]

Sounds like hell, I've felt like this before. :(

 

[Suilven]

Oh wow. I've been here so many times that it actually hurts to read this. Literally, I feel your pain. However I hope you can eventually come to see past it, because not all is lost, and not everything is as black and white as it currently looks. Hopefully one day you'll look back and see this in a completely different light and not blame yourself for what others do.

She's really beautiful, far out of my league..

Don't mean to devalue your opinion, but putting people on pedestals doesn't work out so well sometimes. Someone might appear to be the perfect catch (and I bet they'd like everyone to believe that) , but more often than not, especially the good looking ones, the only parts of their personalities that are fully developed are their egos. From the sounds of it you are looking for a meaningful relationship, so perhaps you've dodged a bullet with this one?

Please try not to fall into the trap of self-blame, because there are a lot of variables you might not be currently aware of. There are loads of messed up 'pretty' people out there that seem amazing on the outside, but they have a way of leaving us blaming ourselves when their problems mess us up.

If life and all of the bizarre matches I've seen has taught me anything, the phrase 'out of your league' is usually a fallacy. People like what they like and it often doesn't make a lot of sense by the conventional rules. Honestly, I don't think it's as simplistic as leagues and scores, and although attractiveness does play a part, it's not as simple as getting a highscore in looks based on some scale. The scale doesn't exist. People have preferences and they can be utterly random.

didn't like my attempts at humor and basically told me to fuck off.

Of course I don't know the whole situation, but the right person, a sound and healthy person, especially one who already knew you, would not act this way towards you. Anyone worth their salt would actually take time to understand what you are saying. If they didn't understand it they'd talk to you about it. So maybe this person isn't as perfect as they seem.

I feel so ugly and completely unlovable.

I honestly don't believe your current experience is anything to do with your loveability or looks, but I know how empty that must sound from your perspective.

(Aside : If you've already had a date with this person then you've passed their looks filter anyway. Would you have a drink with someone if you knew you couldn't accept how they looked?).

I look in the mirror and I see a cute guy. I'm no alpha male but I'm cute (I thought)

I think it's healthy that you can see good things in yourself. When I was in this place I honestly believed I was the most deformed person on earth, but that wasn't true. In fact, I developed full on body dysmorphia thanks to the really nasty behaviour of people I was interested in. I didn't know any better. Looking back, the way I was treated was abysmal and there was in fact nothing wrong with me, but hindsight is always 20:20. A lot of people just can't help treating others like shit.

when I love someone, I really really love them. It's all I really want. If I had love and someone to tell me that I was okay, that would honestly be enough for me.
..
I want someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be okay. That's all I ever wanted.

Perhaps you should consider, is this really something that another person can give you? Again it's something that only time and experience can convince you of, but in my view you can never rely on another person to give you self worth, comfort, confidence, or any of those core beliefs. Why are other people more qualified to tell you these things than you are? Re-affirmation from others is a nice thing now and again, but it's temporary and fleeting and quite often just makes you endlessly want more of it.

I'm tired of being weird because I'm so desperate to hang on to anyone who pays me the slightest attention.

Do you know why you have such a need for affirmation from someone else? (I know everyone does to an extent.) Does it matter who it is?

I know I need to learn how to make myself happy and I've been trying so many new things. I joined a book club started taking piano lessons. But none of it really helps.

It's cool that you've bit the bullet and gone out and started trying things out. What about it isn't working out?

I've thought about getting surgery in a million places. I'd do anything if there was a way. But there isn't.

Do you know for certain looks are causing things to pan out this way? Are you sure surgery would change things?

 

[APharmaDestroyedLife]

I got drunk last night and texted a girl I was trying to... I don't know, get to know better. We had a drink at her place a few days ago. She's really beautiful, far out of my league, but just being able to chase after her made me feel good. Well, she didn't like my attempts at humor and basically told me to fuck off.

I'm crushed.

I feel so alone. I feel so ugly and completely unlovable. I look in the mirror and I see a cute guy. I'm no alpha male but I'm cute (I thought) and when I love someone, I really really love them. It's all I really want. If I had love and someone to tell me that I was okay, that would honestly be enough for me.

I'm tired of being weird because I'm so desperate to hang on to anyone who pays me the slightest attention. It's humiliating. I'm tired of relationships that feel like she is always disappointed in me.

I know I need to learn how to make myself happy and I've been trying so many new things. I joined a book club started taking piano lessons. But none of it really helps.

What is there about me to love? I'm a black hole it seems. Dense with the depth of thought and emotion but no way to access it. It's lost in my insecurities and misery.

There are things I can't even talk about. One thing in particular that makes me feel so awful but even here, I'm too embarrassed to say it. I was able to write it down for a doctor once but I can't bring myself to say it.

I want someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be okay. That's all I ever wanted. But I've waited a long time now and I don't think its coming.

I've thought about getting surgery in a million places. I'd do anything if there was a way. But there isn't.

I need to die. I need to remove the stain of my existence from this earth. I need to redeem myself for all the bad I've done out of desperation. But I can't seem to just do it. There's no real reason to wait but I still somehow find myself living. Even this is an attempt to elicit pity, but what should it matter? It's over, I know it with every fiber of my being but I can't end it.

I'm tired of being this whiny little baby. I want to be a man and have the courage to do what needs to be done. For myself and for the world

The only stain would be the one left on the hearts and minds of the ones you leave behind...

We all live with deep regrets and deep shame, some of us have done horrible things when we were young. Or at least incredibly embarrassing or shameful things. Your worst moment does not define you, you are not the worst action or thought you have had, you are also not the person someone else sees you as. if someone doesnt like your sense of humor it doesnt mean you arent funny , or that you are dumb, maybe she is the dumb one. If all your relationship was based on is physical attraction it would not last anyway, and you're better off for not going down that road and ending up in a bad break up. you sound like a genuine , caring, and sensitive guy, Being a man is not about courage or being an alpha. I can tell you I've been grown for a while now and at times I still feel like a scared little kid. what I hope you know is there is someone out there for you, and they are getting to you as fast as they can. You may want them now, and they may show up soon, or a ways down the road...

I think the point is as people get older things like sensitivity, kindnesses, and humor are viewed as strong, and become much more attractive than a perfect jaw line and a 6 pack stomach... you have a lot to offer the world and a partner.

Watch the Movie Elizabethtown with Orlando Bloom from 2005. really watch it all... it's about a young guy who loses pretty much everything and is rejected by his beautiful girlfriend. He decides to take his own life, but an event happens that changes his course forever...

 

[Miserable]

Just wanted to thank everyone for the kind words. A bit better today but still a rough go of it.

Oh wow. I've been here so many times that it actually hurts to read this. Literally, I feel your pain. However I hope you can eventually come to see past it, because not all is lost, and not everything is as black and white as it currently looks. Hopefully one day you'll look back and see this in a completely different light and not blame yourself for what others do.



Don't mean to devalue your opinion, but putting people on pedestals doesn't work out so well sometimes. Someone might appear to be the perfect catch (and I bet they'd like everyone to believe that) , but more often than not, especially the good looking ones, the only parts of their personalities that are fully developed are their egos. From the sounds of it you are looking for a meaningful relationship, so perhaps you've dodged a bullet with this one?

Please try not to fall into the trap of self-blame, because there are a lot of variables you might not be currently aware of. There are loads of messed up 'pretty' people out there that seem amazing on the outside, but they have a way of leaving us blaming ourselves when their problems mess us up.

If life and all of the bizarre matches I've seen has taught me anything, the phrase 'out of your league' is usually a fallacy. People like what they like and it often doesn't make a lot of sense by the conventional rules. Honestly, I don't think it's as simplistic as leagues and scores, and although attractiveness does play a part, it's not as simple as getting a highscore in looks based on some scale. The scale doesn't exist. People have preferences and they can be utterly random.



Of course I don't know the whole situation, but the right person, a sound and healthy person, especially one who already knew you, would not act this way towards you. Anyone worth their salt would actually take time to understand what you are saying. If they didn't understand it they'd talk to you about it. So maybe this person isn't as perfect as they seem.



I honestly don't believe your current experience is anything to do with your loveability or looks, but I know how empty that must sound from your perspective.

(Aside : If you've already had a date with this person then you've passed their looks filter anyway. Would you have a drink with someone if you knew you couldn't accept how they looked?).



I think it's healthy that you can see good things in yourself. When I was in this place I honestly believed I was the most deformed person on earth, but that wasn't true. In fact, I developed full on body dysmorphia thanks to the really nasty behaviour of people I was interested in. I didn't know any better. Looking back, the way I was treated was abysmal and there was in fact nothing wrong with me, but hindsight is always 20:20. A lot of people just can't help treating others like shit.



Perhaps you should consider, is this really something that another person can give you? Again it's something that only time and experience can convince you of, but in my view you can never rely on another person to give you self worth, comfort, confidence, or any of those core beliefs. Why are other people more qualified to tell you these things than you are? Re-affirmation from others is a nice thing now and again, but it's temporary and fleeting and quite often just makes you endlessly want more of it.



Do you know why you have such a need for affirmation from someone else? (I know everyone does to an extent.) Does it matter who it is?



It's cool that you've bit the bullet and gone out and started trying things out. What about it isn't working out?



Do you know for certain looks are causing things to pan out this way? Are you sure surgery would change things?

I just don't know how to make myself feel better if there isn't a girl who loves me. I don't know how to love myself. I'm not sure why that is the case but it is. And since I'm not some hot guy and I hate my body, it makes it all the more difficult