Venting I don’t want to CTB…

[persepexa]

As you may have seen I started the 48 hour protocol this morning. I've been thinking about it all day and I really don't want to do it. But I also don't want to continue living the life I have. All I do all day is get up, take a walk to the nearest café, have a coffee, walk home, order takeout because I hate to cook, and plan my suicide. I have no money, no job, no friends. My family live in another country. I'm turning 30 on Saturday and I have no one to celebrate with. I hate myself, I really do. This is all my fault.

I've been thinking a lot about what it would take for me to decide once and for all I won't CTB. Number 1 is, of course, money. If I had enough money I would completely change my look, find a better place to live, and look into the modelling people who wanted me to come in for a photoshoot. Unfortunately I couldn't afford to do that. And now I've let myself go to the point where they wouldn't want me to come in anyway.

Number 2 is friends. If I had a nice group of friends around me I wouldn't want to CTB. But you have to let friends in. I would have to hide my criminal record from them at all costs. What kind of a friendship would that be?

Number 3 is a good job. I want to tell people what I do for a living and not feel ashamed. I just want a normal job I really don't understand how I am supposed to ever get that with a criminal record.

Unfortunately I don't see any of those three things coming my way any time soon. And it's all my fault. Unless a miracle happens in the next 24 hours I will CTB at midnight on my 30th birthday. And it makes me very very sad.

 

[the_world_is_on_fir]

Maybe you're just asking yourself too much. I know it sound that you have no option, but maybe u should start taking small steps. Why don't you take thse 24 hours thinking about little things that can get your condition slightly better? I know it sound like a shitty advise but trying to do at least one luttle thing that can make u smile might so the difference

 

[Exhausted546]

As you may have seen I started the 48 hour protocol this morning. I've been thinking about it all day and I really don't want to do it. But I also don't want to continue living the life I have. All I do all day is get up, take a walk to the nearest café, have a coffee, walk home, order takeout because I hate to cook, and plan my suicide. I have no money, no job, no friends. My family live in another country. I'm turning 30 on Saturday and I have no one to celebrate with. I hate myself, I really do. This is all my fault.

I've been thinking a lot about what it would take for me to decide once and for all I won't CTB. Number 1 is, of course, money. If I had enough money I would completely change my look, find a better place to live, and look into the modelling people who wanted me to come in for a photoshoot. Unfortunately I couldn't afford to do that. And now I've let myself go to the point where they wouldn't want me to come in anyway.

Number 2 is friends. If I had a nice group of friends around me I wouldn't want to CTB. But you have to let friends in. I would have to hide my criminal record from them at all costs. What kind of a friendship would that be?

Number 3 is a good job. I want to tell people what I do for a living and not feel ashamed. I just want a normal job I really don't understand how I am supposed to ever get that with a criminal record.

Unfortunately I don't see any of those three things coming my way any time soon. And it's all my fault. Unless a miracle happens in the next 24 hours I will CTB at midnight on my 30th birthday. And it makes me very very sad.

I will respect your privacy and not inquire about what you did that makes you so shameful. But if no vulnerable party (child,defenseless woman) was harmed and nobody was murdered, I believe it shouldn't impact your ability to make friends too much.

But I understand how you feel,Im a bit older than you and can relate to the feeling of shame

 

[eggsausagerice]

i've been coming to terms with my own ctb and that it'll happen even if i'm afraid or hesitant. because the external situation i live in just isn't going to change in the way i want it to and continuing to live won't make me feel any happier, it's just the baseline because i've always been alive. this isn't to encourage suicide or say that you should do it just because you have sn, but that your feelings are very valid and real. money is also the thing that's making me ctb, since i can't live a life if i never have enough money to become independent and do the things that i want to do with my life. i'm not allowed to feel proud of myself or have a future because you need money for those things. without money i'm constantly ashamed of myself and i feel like i can't hang out with or hold conversations with anyone, because i stopped doing anything with my time. it's very isolating to have no money and no connection to your family. there's no one you can depend on because you can't even depend on yourself.

 

[aRose]

My birthday is Saturday also. I wish I was ready but I have to wait.
I don't really want to die - never have. I'd prefer to be happy and healthy. But I also know the coming years will only get worse and happy and healthy have NEVER come my way no matter how I try.
I write all this just to say basically - I feel you. I really do.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

If you don't want to ctb, then I sincerely hope that you won't. Sometimes we have to take steps toward what we want IN THE ABSENCE OF MIRACLES. What about your family? Is the distance the only thing keeping you apart? Is there no way to reconnect with them?

 

[persepexa]

Maybe you're just asking yourself too much. I know it sound that you have no option, but maybe u should start taking small steps. Why don't you take thse 24 hours thinking about little things that can get your condition slightly better? I know it sound like a shitty advise but trying to do at least one luttle thing that can make u smile might so the difference

I just don't know what I even can do. I got out over a year ago and my situation has only gotten worse. I need a miracle.

I will respect your privacy and not inquire about what you did that makes you so shameful. But if no vulnerable party (child,defenseless woman) was harmed and nobody was murdered, I believe it shouldn't impact your ability to make friends too much.

But I understand how you feel,Im a bit older than you and can relate to the feeling of shame

I have actually spoken about it on here before but I stalked a man for 6 months, put faeces through his door, interfered with his job, even threatened to kill his grandmother. That's what I'm ashamed of.

My birthday is Saturday also. I wish I was ready but I have to wait.
I don't really want to die - never have. I'd prefer to be happy and healthy. But I also know the coming years will only get worse and happy and healthy have NEVER come my way no matter how I try.
I write all this just to say basically - I feel you. I really do.

Happy birthday for tomorrow I guess. I just can't face a birthday right now tbh. I'm turning 30 and have nothing to celebrate.

If you don't want to ctb, then I sincerely hope that you won't. Sometimes we have to take steps toward what we want IN THE ABSENCE OF MIRACLES. What about your family? Is the distance the only thing keeping you apart? Is there no way to reconnect with them?

My probation officer won't allow me to move outside the country so I can't move back in with them. But even if I did it wouldn't solve anything I would just be living more comfortably.

 

[soul2realm]

Dear fellow passenger, I feel sorry for the pain you are in. I do hope a miracle does happen in your life and in everyone's reading this. I was just thinking, is anything in life ever promised to us? We are born one day so we will leave, that's for sure. What we have is only time.
How we use that time is the thing that matters.
Situations are dicey but so is our thinking. When nothing is promised, not happiness not unhappiness, looks, wealth or relations, why to give them so much care.
The main thing is we are most of the time worried what the world thinks of us.
Just a thought experiment: - What if we shun those negative voices, concentrate on what we can do and start to take baby step. Maybe one activity each day and an act of kindness as well.
If everything adds up and catches us, then so will our good deeds and efforts.
I mean who knows but there are people who do win the lottery or fall in love without even seeking for it. So why can't it happen to us. Maybe not now but maybe in future that is still a mystery
.........just thought of sharing what I really felt.
Sending you and everyone, loads of love and blessings.