Help I don't want to ctb, but I feel like I have to

[usernamesarehard]

I don't know if I should be posting this here or in the discussion section. I guess I'm posting this here because there are less people who come here and I don't really want attention, I just want opinions? connection? idk.

I don't WANT to ctb, but somewhat feel like I HAVE to. I've shared my story a lot, so I'm not getting into that. But I'm not really sure where to go from here.

Originally my reason for not wanting to ctb was to try to get back with my ex, I've accepted that's not happening.

Then I wanted to finish school. I can't focus. I don't care about studying. It's hard to retain anything.

I guess I could stay to finish school, get an audit job somewhere away from this city, and then move to a different country once I have enough experience. But I don't really care about that either.

I'm going to talk with my psyc about getting on zoloft with the welbutrin. The welbutrin helps with my energy, but does very little for my mood. I think the zoloft helped a lot with my mood.

I just don't have any real goal that I care about enough to not ctb. I guess part of it is I want something to look forward to. I don't really look forward to seeing my ex when he's ready to be friends. I'll probably still hang out with him, if I do ctb next year then whether I hang out with him or not wouldn't matter. I just have no emotional attachment to whatever the outcome is. It would be nice to have some control in my life. I can't control his feelings or actions, I can't control whether I get picked for a job in another state or not, fuck I can't control whether I get an internship to be able to GET an accounting job. But I can control this. It's pretty much one of the only things I can control.

I want to get a calendar to count down the days until November 2026, I want to make all the preparations, I want something to be excited about.

But the more I think about it the more I don't want to ctb. I hope the zoloft works, but if not that's just another reason I want to ctb. I'm depressed and always will be and I'll ruin every relationship I'm in no matter how hard I try not to. I don't WANT to be alone. I know I don't need a partner, but I want one.

I don't have SI anymore. I used to and that stopped me from ever even attempting, but now I'm really only here because I choose to be here, not because I'm forced to be here. I guess it's also a little nice to not care anymore. Nothing really matters.

 

[Tumblewillow]

I don't have any suggestions for you, but I feel the same way. I actually love life itself and I love people, there's tons of things I want to do -- but I don't feel like I have a choice. I'm too weak, I'm too different. Life feels like a taker not a giver

 

[ayanitoolz]

i get what you mean, i'm the same way with not having any real passions or goals. i didn't think about ctb much as a real option until i started living more independently and had to face how boring and mediocre life actually is once you're an adult. i think small comforts are helpful though, they're not as much pressure as big goals but still help you want to see tomorrow if only for something small

 

[SchizoGymnast]

Here's your answer: Don't ctb. Its not a decision you can reverse later so you can't be lukewarm like this. Have a boring life? There are ways to make it interesting. I did it myself. And the fact that you want a partner but don't need one? Actually increases your chances of finding a good one. This may not be what you want to hear, but I hearby issue to you a life sentence with parole.