Venting I don't want to be myself anymore

[Rn110bg101]

Caved into messaging an acquaintance I met through my ex-friend to ask them about something, and they just blocked me immediately, meaning ex surely told them about what I did.

I can't find any information on the only AE I can get, everyone is just ignoring me and I don't understand Google's medical babble.

The Discord server I joined even though I knew my ex-friend was on there and I fucking joined voice chats with her in it, even though she'd probably puke if she knew I was there—that server just ignores me. I try to be friends to at least have some sort of validation, of contact, but they literally could not care less. They don't look at me, they have better times without me present.

I realized how much of a fucked up person I was, I'm even worse than I thought. I treated my old friend like some disposable idiot and my ex-friend like some sort of therapist because I thought it would make me feel better without considering her feelings.

Now I think, maybe she knows about this account. I didn't plan on her doing so before I died. Right now the possibility she found about my Gmail note and has blocked me is high, meaning I can't send her a note even when I die.

I'm just an abusive, manipulating idiot. I really thought there was any chance she would ever come back without even remembering I fucking traumatised her. I thought, if maybe I behaved well before I died I could at least be with the imaginary friend I use for coping but I'm a sub-human piece of trash, I could never separate from this soul even if I died, no matter how hard I try, and the afterlife brought me peace, I'd harm even those who don't have a mind. I don't deserve an happy afterlife, I deserve my soul being sent to the void.

Now I realize this makes me sound like I'm pity-partying as usual, even though I'm expressing my honest feelings they're all just fake in the end. I could put my heart down in my words and it will never be the truth.

I'm so done. I feel so empty. My life is just emptiness, depression and regret and the only happy thing are my daydreams but they'll never come true. I just want to join the void already but I can't because this body holds me back. I can't handle the sadness anymore, the stalling, watching everyone be happy while I continue to be a burden, I want to forget it, I want to leave

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Sometimes I don't want to be myself either. I've lost friends because of my anger issues over stupid things and it always seems to happen eventually, with everyone that comes into my life. It doesn't seem to matter how good my intentions or their intentions are, it always ends badly. While I can't say that I've ever traumatized anyone, I think the reason is because I've always tried to keep a safe distance from others to prevent it, but even so, I still have guilt to live with anyway. I'm sorry that your life is so full of regrets and self-hate and that there is nothing I can do to help, but at least I can say I understand.

 

[Rn110bg101]

Today I went through my ex-friend's Twitter likes to see if they liked anything on world suicide prevention day, but all I found was a message stating that it's okay to hate someone and never forgive them, to never have a relationship with them again.
I agree with the message... but it feels fucking painful when you know it's directed towards you, from the person who once was the only one to love you.

I can't continue wishing for the past to be fixed, I can't continue begging I hadn't said anything about my problems, because it'll never come true. All I'm good at is to harm and self-pity… I can't continue polluting this world.