i dont want to be alone but i cant stand anyone

[megafire]

...and they can't stand me.

My boyfriend is downstairs, over for the second week because last week I went on a bit of a bender- three days of tranquilizing myself and the fourth in a drunken stupor. my mom showed up on one of those days (who even KNOWS when) at my apartment and we got into a screaming match- she threatened to send me to the hospital, but he was able to deescalate the situation. I'm very grateful for that, and for him taking care of me for that week. I keep walking in on my roommates whispering to each other then abruptly leaving the room, so I know they are talking badly about me-It's just ironic because one kept complaining about the other to me, and I thought we were becoming friends- but now they are inseparable and it makes me sad. One of them is incredibly shallow and annoying, and I didn't like the fact that she would dump all of her boy problems on me but now that she doesn't (she's very extroverted) I KNOW she doesn't like me and it makes me so sad? I guess even if I can't stand their company, it would still be nice to have some.

I know I'm messy and unlikable and a hypocrite for disliking them but wanting them to like me- I'm contradicting myself with every word and I should be doing my late work but instead I'm vomiting words on a forum post.
I don't want to be alone but I push everybody away.
I'm not meant to be here.

ugh sorry for this mess- thanks for taking the time anyway <3
as soon as I posted this, my boyfriend bounded up the stairs (and didn't scare my cat, which is a new development! i think she knows i'm sad) to check on me. I lied and said I was fine- and he kissed me on the forehead.

I am loved by this wonderful man but i can't get the thought of dying out of my head

 

[bluejane]

I wish I could absorb all your pain. I know the feeling: being loved by someone so perfect and naive but wanting nothing more than to be swallowed by your own misery. Fuck your roomates, its inevitable for a lot of us to crave being liked and being the odd one out can make you feel so small, but at the end of the day it doesnt mean shit what they whisper about you. I hope you keep pushing through, it sounds like you have at least two people who care about you dearly. Im sorry about this mess, all my love to you.