I dont want to achieve anything in life besides hurting myself. What should i do?

[Minas]

It's not just suicidal fantasies, I'm also throwing my life away. I'm having trouble studying, I'm having trouble consuming a story, reading, continuing from where i left off. If i wasn't living with my abusive mom, I'd be dedicating all my time to hurting myself.

My mom being abusive is the main reason. Because of this i DESPISE strength or power of any sort, strength reminds me of her, the act of taking something for myself is the same act she uses. But i can't achieve anything in this world without strength... so i won't achieve anything at all.

Why is it that I'm only a good person when I'm in pain? Any other path besides being at rock bottom will turn me more like her. I even feel guilty storing up my money instead of just randomly giving it to people.

I just... don't want to be successful or strong or something. That's a very evil thing. But if i kill myself without anyone remembering my name, I won't be sinning, right?

 

[Hvergelmir]

Power and strength is just freedom choice. Choosing weakness is simply to avoid responsibility, leaving it in the hands of others. Choosing to accumulate some strength and power, does not force you to anything. You'd wield it however you want.

Good and evil are subjective. Killing yourself isn't inherently a sin. Compared to what you could hypothetically do, it does seem tragic, though.
The real question is; what do you find "good" and important? For most people, some ambition and power does not equate to being a power hungry tyrant. "Power" simply means that you have the means to change things.

 

[derpyderpins]

First off I'm so sorry you have to feel this way because of abuse. It's perfectly natural for you to struggle with this line of thinking.

Thinking about outcomes is thinking too far down the line, imo. Right now you need to (1) get away from the abuser, and (2) build up some good interactions, preferably with people who have some power and don't abuse it. You need to reteach yourself that people can be good.

Then, as far as "accomplishing" something, I'd say start with being better than your mom. Be kind to people even when you don't have to. Measure your life in terms of those interactions and the small positive effects you can have on those around you rather than how much money you make or power you weild. Once you're feeling more stable you can revisit money and success.

 

[Minas]

Power and strength is just freedom choice. Choosing weakness is simply to avoid responsibility, leaving it in the hands of others. Choosing to accumulate some strength and power, does not force you to anything. You'd wield it however you want.

Good and evil are subjective. Killing yourself isn't inherently a sin. Compared to what you could hypothetically do, it does seem tragic, though.
The real question is; what do you find "good" and important? For most people, some ambition and power does not equate to being a power hungry tyrant. "Power" simply means that you have the means to change things.

What will i be leaving in the hand of others by choosing weakness? What exactly? If I choose weaknesses I'll be a good person, how could i possibly be leaving responsibility in the hand of others like that? If anything, I'll be giving people more chances. Not taking a job will open the position for someone else for example.

I...
... I don't know, I don't remember what I find good anymore. Right now, it feels like killing myself is good and important, like it will clean my spirit.

First off I'm so sorry you have to feel this way because of abuse. It's perfectly natural for you to struggle with this line of thinking.

Thinking about outcomes is thinking too far down the line, imo. Right now you need to (1) get away from the abuser, and (2) build up some good interactions, preferably with people who have some power and don't abuse it. You need to reteach yourself that people can be good.

Then, as far as "accomplishing" something, I'd say start with being better than your mom. Be kind to people even when you don't have to. Measure your life in terms of those interactions and the small positive effects you can have on those around you rather than how much money you make or power you weild. Once you're feeling more stable you can revisit money and success.

That's easier said than done. Even if I get away from her, I'm sure that I'll find more people like her. These are the sort of people that rule the world. It doesn't matters if i find "build" good interactions, they'll never measure to the sort of relationship i had with my mother. What my mother did to me is how the world works, the "good" relationships can end, but the way I've always been treated? It will never go away, It'll all just default back into that.

... and I don't wanna be part of this.

 

[derpyderpins]

That's easier said than done.

Very true. Sorry if I made light of how difficult it will be.

Even if I get away from her, I'm sure that I'll find more people like her. These are the sort of people that rule the world. It doesn't matters if i find "build" good interactions, they'll never measure to the sort of relationship i had with my mother. What my mother did to me is how the world works, the "good" relationships can end, but the way I've always been treated? It will never go away, It'll all just default back into that.

... and I don't wanna be part of this.

I'm very sorry. There's not much I can do besides tell you that there are good people out there, and your mother is not the norm. But, I understand that just saying those words doesn't help much...

 

[Hvergelmir]

What will i be leaving in the hand of others by choosing weakness? What exactly?

I might have expressed myself poorly.
It's not about loading responsibility onto others, but about depriving oneself the means of influencing anything.

It applies to literally everything. If you choose to be weak, that power void will be filled by others. From a weak position, you have little influence of what happens.
From a powerful position you can set your own rules, and affect the future to better align with what you find good.

What my mother did to me is how the world works...

It's how parts of the world works. With some strength and power we can push back, and many of us do.

The world is certainly a mixed bag of good and outright horrific things. Neither of us have seen the worst of it, or the best.
I too have been through some rough things, and I may give up eventually. For as long as I'm alive, I plan to pursue what I find good, though.