Venting I don’t understand why I’m suicidal tbh

[ThatStateOfMind]

By most accounts, I'm somewhat privileged. I'm able to go to college (despite me not even knowing if the field is what I want), I'm about to be moving out with a girlfriend and getting our own apartment and living alone, which is also nice and a privilege. Ironically, sometimes I only see the negatives of living alone. I have a vehicle, I have money to live on. I have a lot more than some people. I know people who have less than me and are content. Yet, here I am with all my creature comforts, still constantly thinking about CTB and being in a negative headspace. Usually thinking about SN or jumping or whatever method piques my curiosity at the time, usually SN.

Like there's this cool new building at the university, a marvel to look at honestly. Yet, sometimes, all I can think of is jumping off of the top floor of it when I look at it. Never would, it's not high enough to guarantee death, but it still plagues my mind. Soon enough, I'm moving out, and idk if I can ctb then because I know the only person who would find my body is my girlfriend and I couldn't scar her like that. It's like I'm in between a rock and a hard place here.

I know logically, I have no pressing concern to CTB, but a lot of it revolves around uncertainty for the future. Like I'm getting a Comp Sci degree and I hear all this gloom and doom about oversaturation, outsourcing, AI, etc. and it's all true. Crowdstrike, for example, has no plans to hire because when pairing their devs with AI, productivity increased.

Also, I'm about to do my first move, and it's terrifying. I can't stay where I'm at after college more than likely, because it's rural and there's no job market for Computer science here. The closest would be an hour move but still, nothings guaranteed there. I might have to move pretty far and I honestly don't know if I have that in me. But the only alternative is to not use my degree. I don't even know if I WANT to use my degree, especially if I have to move far to use it. I know that's an example of fear holding me back though.

There's no real point to this, I'm struggling and I have to start packing soon, so I wanted to vent everything out.

 

[grants]

i hear you.

i'm in a very similar situation—cs @ an ivy, good friends + gf, but I just have no desire to grapple with the uncertainty life has to offer. none of the prospects of life excite me. i can't imagine a path forward where I'm happy. i understand i'm ridiculously privileged, but this just somehow makes me feel worse—i don't have a right to feel the way i do. i think about ctb all the time.

also grappling with whether to stay near home—my friends tell me that it's a waste of my intellect to stay in my rural hometown, but part of me values family more than whatever an "exciting" job would have to offer.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

i hear you.

i'm in a very similar situation—cs @ an ivy, good friends + gf, but I just have no desire to grapple with the uncertainty life has to offer. none of the prospects of life excite me. i can't imagine a path forward where I'm happy. i understand i'm ridiculously privileged, but this just somehow makes me feel worse—i don't have a right to feel the way i do. i think about ctb all the time.

also grappling with whether to stay near home—my friends tell me that it's a waste of my intellect to stay in my rural hometown, but part of me values family more than whatever an "exciting" job would have to offer.

Ugh I literally couldn't relate more. I'm sure you're more intelligent than I am considering the Ivy, probably more social because you probably have more friends than I do. Otherwise, I'd say we're pretty darn similar.

Life doesn't excite me or invigorate me like it used to. Especially as I progress in a degree I am uncertain if I want anymore. I'm just unhappy, much to my girlfriend's dismay, who always wants me to be happy, or at least happier. I'm somewhat honest with how I feel, but I dokee some things secret. I am also privileged and feel wrong for wanting to ctb.

Also that last paragraph I truly resonate with. I would love to stay near home, which is rural, but there's no job opportunities here in the CS field. However, I dont know what to do. I've even considered switching majors for MANY reasons, and this is one of them. I hate my life rn, idk what to do.

Sometimes I hate that I have a girlfriend more than anything else simply because if I didnt, there wouldn't be anything keeping me here anymore which would be ideal

 

[grants]

i really feel you—find myself hating that I have people that care because I don't want to hurt them. nothing (not even the idea of any path forward) excites me at this point.

i just dropped a bunch of my cs classes this semester to take philosophy classes (this is definitely terrible for my career but I don't care at this point).

it makes me feel less alone relating to your situation. thank you

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

i really feel you—find myself hating that I have people that care because I don't want to hurt them. nothing (not even the idea of any path forward) excites me at this point.

i just dropped a bunch of my cs classes this semester to take philosophy classes (this is definitely terrible for my career but I don't care at this point).

it makes me feel less alone relating to your situation. thank you

I feel you as well. It's kinda weird to say I wish less people cared about me but it's very true.

I don't want to drop any classes besides one where I have a bad professor. I just wanna get my degree and go ASAP. If I don't switch majors (and I probably won't), I just want my degree and to be out.

I know the chances are high that I might not work in my field, like 70% of graduates do the same. So I wouldn't feel too bad about changing your classes. It may help you not burn out.

Honestly, I have no passion besides CTB at this current point and time. If I can just get this degree, I guess I'll see where I go from here. Might have a useless piece of paper, but at least I can say I stuck at it and completed something. Impressive for me, as a self-proclaimed quitter who usually quits when the going gets tough.

Sorry, I feel like I'm yapping a lot.

Edit: I just followed you as well

 

[grants]

I feel you as well. It's kinda weird to say I wish less people cared about me but it's very true.

I don't want to drop any classes besides one where I have a bad professor. I just wanna get my degree and go ASAP. If I don't switch majors (and I probably won't), I just want my degree and to be out.

I know the chances are high that I might not work in my field, like 70% of graduates do the same. So I wouldn't feel too bad about changing your classes. It may help you not burn out.

Honestly, I have no passion besides CTB at this current point and time. If I can just get this degree, I guess I'll see where I go from here. Might have a useless piece of paper, but at least I can say I stuck at it and completed something. Impressive for me, as a self-proclaimed quitter who usually quits when the going gets tough.

Sorry, I feel like I'm yapping a lot.

Edit: I just followed you as well

didn't even know u could follow people here… followed u back. I'm very passionless too at the moment. I think I'm scared to care about anything. I find myself researching methods to pass the time too.