Venting I don't understand why I spoke too much

[rotten_hrtz]

I've previously posted about being groomed, and recently I've started feeling depressed thinking about that time and, for some strange reason, I miss some of my groomers.

I wanted to tell a friend because I thought I could express myself to him, so I did, but I only received incomprehension and he even blamed me. He told me he didn't understand why I'd always struggled to block out people who hurt me, and that he didn't understand how I could have "fallen in love" with someone like that. I felt so bad when I heard him say that.

Was it really my fault? I've always blamed myself for letting myself be groomed. I feel like I should have done something to stop it, or maybe I was just really stupid and that's why it happened to me so many times.

All I know is that it ruined my life. I'm afraid of intimacy and relationships. I've spent days thinking about what my friend told me, and I feel so ashamed for even mentioning it to him.


I've even started to think that maybe I'm promiscuous and possibly brought it on myself by being unsupervised on the internet, the guilt is killing me, and I don't plan to tell my mom because I'm terrified she'll think the same as that friend.


I know it's not normal to miss my groomers; I disgust myself just thinking about how much I miss that attention and feeling like I was special for the first time, I also feel worse thinking that I was groomed until I was 16 when I'm supposed to "know what's right and wrong" at that age.


I don't want to live knowing that one day I'll have to confess this to my future partner and that they'll probably look at me with that disgusted look they all do. I'm so stupid for letting them take advantage of me.

 

[vyvanceandvodka]

It's not your fault. It's also not abnormal for victims to miss their groomers. It happens, and I believe it's part of the healing process. I've never been groomed, but I've been abused, and sometimes I miss her. We miss the times when we felt loved, when they made us feel special, but we both know deep down being away from them is for the better. Not everybody will understand the feeling. I'm sorry you were judged. Don't blame yourself for these feelings; they are normal. I've also grown up with unrestricted internet access and understand the trauma it can cause. I'm sorry you've been through this. ): I see you, and I understand you.

Also an edit: You are not stupid for being taken advantage of. That's what groomers do. They manipulated you, and anybody with any slight moral compass will agree it's not your fault. You didn't deserve that my friend.

 

[rotten_hrtz]

It's not your fault. It's also not abnormal for victims to miss their groomers. It happens, and I believe it's part of the healing process. I've never been groomed, but I've been abused, and sometimes I miss her. We miss the times when we felt loved, when they made us feel special, but we both know deep down being away from them is for the better. Not everybody will understand the feeling. I'm sorry you were judged. Don't blame yourself for these feelings; they are normal. I've also grown up with unrestricted internet access and understand the trauma it can cause. I'm sorry you've been through this. ): I see you, and I understand you.

Also an edit: You are not stupid for being taken advantage of. That's what groomers do. They manipulated you, and anybody with any slight moral compass will agree it's not your fault. You didn't deserve that my friend.

Thank you, it really encourages me to read this and know that I'm not the only one <3

 

[vyvanceandvodka]

Thank you, it really encourages me to read this and know that I'm not the only one <3

Of course! You're never alone, and I understand how isolating it can be. I hope you can find more support!

 

[whatisaholemadeof]

It's not your fault. It's also not abnormal for victims to miss their groomers. It happens, and I believe it's part of the healing process. I've never been groomed, but I've been abused, and sometimes I miss her. We miss the times when we felt loved, when they made us feel special, but we both know deep down being away from them is for the better. Not everybody will understand the feeling. I'm sorry you were judged. Don't blame yourself for these feelings; they are normal. I've also grown up with unrestricted internet access and understand the trauma it can cause. I'm sorry you've been through this. ): I see you, and I understand you.

Also an edit: You are not stupid for being taken advantage of. That's what groomers do. They manipulated you, and anybody with any slight moral compass will agree it's not your fault. You didn't deserve that my friend.

I feel like shit and stupid about the situation/similar things all the time if I'm not drowning myself in work or in a social situation that forces me to not think about it, thank you for this. I was going to travel alone when I came of age at one point. I can't be on social media like discord even the thought makes me want to ctb so I disabled my account. Don't understand how everyone else seems to do it. I just go into hiding because I'm stupid. I'm so stupid and I don't tell anyone the truth because they'll look at me like I'm naive I can't stand to be thought of that way. Because it will be my fault

 

[vyvanceandvodka]

I feel like shit and stupid about the situation/similar things all the time if I'm not drowning myself in work or in a social situation that forces me to not think about it, thank you for this. I was going to travel alone when I came of age at one point. I can't be on social media like discord even the thought makes me want to ctb so I disabled my account. Don't understand how everyone else seems to do it. I just go into hiding because I'm stupid. I'm so stupid and I don't tell anyone the truth because they'll look at me like I'm naive I can't stand to be thought of that way. Because it will be my fault

I'm sorry friend. Deleting Discord sounds like the best thing. I know this is so cliché and everybody says this, but it'll get easier to deal with as time goes on. I can't promise it'll go away, but one day it won't hurt as much. I know it feels impossible right now. I was diagnosed with PTSD after my abuse at 19 and now I'm 25. I no longer want to die when the memories get overwhelming. It still hurts, but it won't be as debilitating. Please know you're not stupid. Groomers and abusers purposely go after people who don't know better. When you're underage, you don't think about consequences as much as adults. Now, adults know better. It'll always be their fault. Never the victims. It feels isolating when people who've never been through something like that say ignorant shit. They just don't understand, but what they say doesn't reflect the truth of who you are and your experience. It's never your fault, and you're not stupid. I promise you.