I don't truly want to...but I just don't see a way out

[JoeFailure]

Not trying to garner sympathy, my sob story probably isn't even close to what some people face here. Maybe just feedback or something, I don't know.

Basically when I was young, some stuff happened to me sexually. After that, I didn't truly have a sexual attraction to any human being or anything. It's very hard to explain, but I always thought girls and women were pretty, but not in a sexual way. That was kind of just robbed from me because of what happened. So I lived life kind of recklessly because I never thought I'd get married or have a kid, obviously because I was probably never even going to have sex. I thought I'd only basically have to take care of myself. I literally figured I'd just enjoy my youth, even though that didn't turn out great either, and worry about making whatever money I had to in my 40's and older since all of my friends would have families and everything by then anyway. And I was really strangely OK with this for most of my life.

I'm 34 now and things started changing. I still don't know exactly what would happen if I was in a situation where I could have sex...but those feelings have started to change. But through some bad business luck and the honest fact that I never really pursued much career-wise because I'm not a person who needs all that much and again, I only thought I would ever have to take care of myself...I'm broke. 34, broke, with no real career.

I went into complete and utter panic mode when I started to feel things I never really had. It never hit me just how much I had ruined my life until over a month ago. Yeah, I could still be OK and take care of myself...but now that I possibly want to have a relationship and maybe even a kid...every day is pure, agonizing torture because my life is completely ruined.

People who want those things are well established in their careers, finances, have houses, and most already have their wives and kids by now. I have to build up savings somehow and a career at this age for years before that would even be possible.

It's sad because I've worked with kids before in special ed. I think I would've been a great dad. Great husband, I don't know because I don't know if I could've ever offered the kind of sex that I'm guessing women want.

It just tears me up every single moment of every day. I can't enjoy anything anymore. Everything hurts and it's constant emotional suffering.

Some might just think I'm an almost 35 year old bum and I can't really refute that. All I can say is my thought process was so different for most of my life.

I just don't think I can go through 30+ years or however unlucky I'd be to live and go through this every single day.

 

[Dreamcolleger]

I can relate to some of your problems. I have a career and a income but it is meaningless. The only value it has to me is easier accessibility to CTB. I am in my 20s but there are points in your life that you can miss out on and there is no coming back from. No solving the problems you got from them... My problems are unsolvable so it is easier for me to say I am certain about this. My only advice is to think about if you can realistically win this uphill battle and if it is worth it. Like I said I am in my 20s and I have lost so much that I think even if there was a chance to fix all of my problems I would not be interested and still CTB.

Hope what I said helps.

 

[Superfluous]

It is quite normal for people's perspective on life to change as they get older.

It's clear you are overwhelmed by all the changes you feel you would need to make in your life and how long that may take, and that's understandable. Saying that, I get the impression you want to try.

I hope this doesn't come across as trite, but rather than worrying about how difficult the next 30+ years could be, focus on the short-term changes needed and tackle those first. By all means set a longer-term target, but then break that down into smaller achievable goals. Writing these down should also help. Having lots of thoughts floating around your head makes it difficult to focus on individual tasks. Once they are on paper, it's easier to concentrate on specific objectives.

Remember, ctb is a last resort and there's no coming back, but at the same time it will always be there as an option.

Apologies for coming across as a career adviser.

 

[Escaper Boy]

I am sorry I don't really have anything useful or valuable to say. I wish I have better knowledge/experience or at least a better perspective regarding your situation.

You seem to be stuck in unfavorable situation. The past had been lost. Youth had been extinguished. The self-defeating comparison with other "normal" people. And a newfound desire that you "think" you cannot achieve.

I don't want to sound pessimistic. But, it's a universal truth that we cannot have everything. You, myself, your friends, SS members, even the Buddha. Life is inherently flawed from the start. There are so many things not within our control.

If your desire to have family only made you suffer unnecessarily, perhaps letting go of that desire would be the next best choice compared to wallowing in misery.

I am gay. I was born in homophobic country. I had to force myself to let go from the start. I let go my expectation for marriage. I let go my desire for relationship. I let go my yearning for love. In my whole life, there were no dating, first kiss, or even sex. It sucks. But, I didn't regret my decision to give up all of those unrealistic expectations. Being a 27 years old virgin doesn't bother me anymore. I already accept the reality. It is what it is. So be it.

Please don't take what I said to heart. Perhaps being a super motivated Tony Robbins suits you better than an "accept and surrender" approach. In the end, you decide what's best for you. I hope you can find your happiness in whatever you choose.

 

[JJ-NOHOPE]

Hi Joe,

I can empathize from a woman's point of view. First, a little of my back story.

When I was 12 years old, my parents basically neglected, abandoned me, and had addiction issues. This result in me being raped when I was 12. It was such a horrible experience that I never had any other sexual experiences with men my whole life. I am 55 now, and have been alone every minute of it.

After an extremely tumultuous adolescence where I was suicidal and in and out of mental hospitals, I went on to have a very successful career in IT for 30 years. During all this time I never so much as mentioned my rape experience. It was a deep dark secret for over 42 years.

I finally lost my job due to outsourcing, then my dog died , whom I loved more than anything in the world. This sent me into a deep depression that I could not shake. Previously when something bad would happen I would just work 80 hours a week so that I could avoid it. That wasn't an option anymore.

To make a long story a little shorter, after starting therapy I realized that until I deal with this childhood trauma I will never be a whole person. I am much older than you are. Way too old to even think about kids. But I would like to fall in love, and have that kind of experience. It would be extremely difficult, since my only experience with sex was a rape when I was 12 years old. I have PTSD about it even now. What man would ever have the patience to work through those issues?

To get back to your issue. I know it doesn't feel like that , but you are still young and haven't ruined your life. If you want to deal with your childhood sexual trauma, try to find a therapist you trust. First of all, you were a child, and it wasn't your fault. You deserved to be protected. I'm very sorry you had to go through that.

Your career issues probably feel insurmountable. Since I don't have the details, I don't have any specific advice here except don't give up on yourself.

I am still working through these issues with my therapist. It is extremely painful and there are many days when I don't think I have the strength. I do have my N so can decide to go whenever I am ready. But I must have this glimmer of hope, because I am still here.

It makes me very sad to hear what this sexual trauma has done to your life. I hope you don't let it ruin your life 100%.

Please feel free to pm me if you want.
JJ

 

[Cleanthes]

Joe, at age 37 my life collapsed, in reality it had been waiting to collapse for many years. For a while I gave up hope that there would ever be an improvement, but that was a very negative thing, because without any hope I also gave up trying. Eventually, about 2 years later I got involved in helping other people who had experienced similar things. Then I began to think clearly about what I wanted to do, and what I needed to do to achieve that. By the time I was 41, I was entering the most successful time of my life with work, had met my second wife, was enjoying the outdoors in a way I had never thought to do before.

Maybe this sounds like a pro life message. It's not really. But it is about life, and how to deal with it when it's not always kind. And likely you might live another 34 years or more, and still have plenty of time to do what you want.

 

[spanishguy22]

Hi Joe,

I can empathize from a woman's point of view. First, a little of my back story.

When I was 12 years old, my parents basically neglected, abandoned me, and had addiction issues. This result in me being raped when I was 12. It was such a horrible experience that I never had any other sexual experiences with men my whole life. I am 55 now, and have been alone every minute of it.

After an extremely tumultuous adolescence where I was suicidal and in and out of mental hospitals, I went on to have a very successful career in IT for 30 years. During all this time I never so much as mentioned my rape experience. It was a deep dark secret for over 42 years.

I finally lost my job due to outsourcing, then my dog died , whom I loved more than anything in the world. This sent me into a deep depression that I could not shake. Previously when something bad would happen I would just work 80 hours a week so that I could avoid it. That wasn't an option anymore.

To make a long story a little shorter, after starting therapy I realized that until I deal with this childhood trauma I will never be a whole person. I am much older than you are. Way too old to even think about kids. But I would like to fall in love, and have that kind of experience. It would be extremely difficult, since my only experience with sex was a rape when I was 12 years old. I have PTSD about it even now. What man would ever have the patience to work through those issues?

To get back to your issue. I know it doesn't feel like that , but you are still young and haven't ruined your life. If you want to deal with your childhood sexual trauma, try to find a therapist you trust. First of all, you were a child, and it wasn't your fault. You deserved to be protected. I'm very sorry you had to go through that.

Your career issues probably feel insurmountable. Since I don't have the details, I don't have any specific advice here except don't give up on yourself.

I am still working through these issues with my therapist. It is extremely painful and there are many days when I don't think I have the strength. I do have my N so can decide to go whenever I am ready. But I must have this glimmer of hope, because I am still here.

It makes me very sad to hear what this sexual trauma has done to your life. I hope you don't let it ruin your life 100%.

Please feel free to pm me if you want.
JJ

Sometimes exposure in therapy to a traumatic event can actually make you far worse.

The brain makes you "forget" the painful event for a reason. While it does work for a lot of people, I'm not sure it can really ever go away, no matter how much therapy you get.

Psychiatric industry is all about money, so maybe if you see it's making you worse with time consider discontinuing and rather work on the depression.

 

[Hush Sweet Charlotte]

Dear Joe, you are not a failure. You are far too young to decide that! You've come this far after having horrible things happen to you, so you are stronger than most.

You don't need to be an established career man with a house to get married. Hopefully where you live women work and can bring in an income too. Also as an artistic type, pretty much everyone I know is poor and they've still had families. It's usual for men to start having kids at your age or considerably later. Your life is so not ruined!

Escaper Boy's post is very profound about accepting what you don't have. Although you have no reason to give up on having a family, even if you didn't have one there are plenty of other things to live for. No-one thoughtful and kind can be a failure.

 

[JoeFailure]

Dear Joe, you are not a failure. You are far too young to decide that! You've come this far after having horrible things happen to you, so you are stronger than most.

You don't need to be an established career man with a house to get married. Hopefully where you live women work and can bring in an income too. Also as an artistic type, pretty much everyone I know is poor and they've still had families. It's usual for men to start having kids at your age or considerably later. Your life is so not ruined!

Escaper Boy's post is very profound about accepting what you don't have. Although you have no reason to give up on having a family, even if you didn't have one there are plenty of other things to live for. No-one thoughtful and kind can be a failure.

I really appreciate that. But it's going to take years to build up a solid base of savings.

It's not so much the work as it is the pain and agony every day of watching what people younger than me have and what my parents expected. I can't enjoy anything anymore. I'm just constantly overrun by feelings of failure and shame and regret and it's paralyzing.

I honestly don't even know what would happen if I was in a sexual situation with a woman. I just feel like I don't have a purpose in life. I'm almost 35, have $1,000 in savings, my job only pays 47K and I'm having trouble getting a 2nd job that can align with the hours.

I really don't mind working 2 jobs or anything like that, I just can't escape the emotional suffering. It's constant. Through everything. I can't look forward to anything anymore.

I wasn't always like this. I was a happy guy, once that was great with kids and people always liked to be around.

I hate so much that money means what it does in this world, I could really build a life if I had even a decent amount of it.

 

[Hush Sweet Charlotte]

I really appreciate that. But it's going to take years to build up a solid base of savings.

It's not so much the work as it is the pain and agony every day of watching what people younger than me have and what my parents expected. I can't enjoy anything anymore. I'm just constantly overrun by feelings of failure and shame and regret and it's paralyzing.

I honestly don't even know what would happen if I was in a sexual situation with a woman. I just feel like I don't have a purpose in life. I'm almost 35, have $1,000 in savings, my job only pays 47K and I'm having trouble getting a 2nd job that can align with the hours.

I really don't mind working 2 jobs or anything like that, I just can't escape the emotional suffering. It's constant. Through everything. I can't look forward to anything anymore.

I wasn't always like this. I was a happy guy, once that was great with kids and people always liked to be around.

I hate so much that money means what it does in this world, I could really build a life if I had even a decent amount of it.

You can be happy without money as long as you're not impoverished or at risk of homelessness. You're not in debt and have close family and friends. Focusing on what you have rather than what you don't have would really help. Also do you mean $47k US dollars - is that not rather a large amount of money? I've probably misunderstood the amount, sorry. I've been housebound with illness most of my adult life and still found purpose in life, with no career or partner and living off welfare. I'm sure no-one else feels that way about you, that you have no purpose and are a failure.

 

[EddieAllenPoe]

I read your post and I don't really have specific advice for you. Your title... "I don't want to... but I don't see a way"... made me think of my own situation.

I was just thinking about how I had spent all of last year alone. My life last year consisted of going to work and then coming back home to drown in alcohol. I would keep the curtains in my apartment closed and I often sat alone in the dark. Everything in my life was an absolute mess. I was employed and "doing well" in my career but everything else in my life was empty and meaningless. I had no meaningful relationships in my life. I very rarely had money. My home was always in an absolute wreck because I had no energy to clean.

I actually didn't start out this way though. I had several years where I thought I was doing pretty well. It actually seemed like I was conquering my problems. I would often tackle most of my problems head on and when that didn't work I've even tried things like going to professional counseling. I've even read several self-help books over the course of the years. I used to always plan ways to improve my life. The truth though? I was on a sinking ship. As optimistic as I was that things could get better I was still failing.

I was busy doing everything on my own. I was trying to do it my way. I was also always assuming there was a "professional" out there who knew something I did not. It's taken me years to see this was actually a flawed way of thinking. I was looking for help in the wrong way.

Do you want to know the one simple thing I recommend? I actually believe this will help you. Simply talk to God and ask for help.

I will most likely get flack for suggesting this. I don't care though. I think it actually has helped me though. Do you know why I think this? It's not because God automatically answered my prayers and I heard some kind of booming voice that told me what to do. It's because I can look back at all the times I legitimately tried asking God for help and I've seen my life change in ways I didn't think were possible. My alcoholism is one of the things that I never thought could change. Did I give up alcohol over night? No. I actually tried going to AA on my own at first but it didn't work. I was still trying to do it my way. I wasn't willing to believe for a long time that God had an actual plan for my life. When my way didn't work and I felt broken I would actually turn to God. Do you know how I was able to quit? Because someone or something in my life changed the conditions that kept me trapped in drinking alcohol. The way this happened actually took place over the course of several months. It wasn't overnight but it happened. The way it happened was actually very dramatic. Looking back, I don't think I can believe it happened because of a long string of coincidental accidents. It wasn't a coincidence. It wasn't because of something I did. It was God.

Here's the thing though. When you ask God for help you have to understand he's not some kind of genie. You can't assume they exist because they are there to fulfill your every wish. You've actually got to look at it the other way around. The way it actually seems to be. They created you. You didn't create yourself. They gave you life. They have a purpose for your life. You have to ask them what you are supposed to do. If you're like most of us then I know you'll actually hate doing this. You'll most likely doubt it's even possible. But I don't think you just randomly came into existence. You were created. Simply talk to God and ask for help and be open to how they might actually be trying to talk to you. God doesn't directly speak to me in an audible voice but I still see the signs.

 

[Wanderer_with_Death]

I really appreciate that. But it's going to take years to build up a solid base of savings.

It's not so much the work as it is the pain and agony every day of watching what people younger than me have and what my parents expected. I can't enjoy anything anymore. I'm just constantly overrun by feelings of failure and shame and regret and it's paralyzing.

I honestly don't even know what would happen if I was in a sexual situation with a woman. I just feel like I don't have a purpose in life. I'm almost 35, have $1,000 in savings, my job only pays 47K and I'm having trouble getting a 2nd job that can align with the hours.

I really don't mind working 2 jobs or anything like that, I just can't escape the emotional suffering. It's constant. Through everything. I can't look forward to anything anymore.

I wasn't always like this. I was a happy guy, once that was great with kids and people always liked to be around.

I hate so much that money means what it does in this world, I could really build a life if I had even a decent amount of it.

Its not a race, you go at your own pace, you have the unique opportunity and reflection to turn your life around, to have another chance to get what you want. I will tell you right now, it wont be easy, but it is worth it!
Healing is NOT pretty, far from it, you'll probably feel like a rubber-band for a long time in any hint of progress only to feel an old habit/mindset "revert/pull you back" and then you'll have to try and sever more of that rubber band so it can finally let you go and snap away.

I used to have PTSD from childhood trauma/abuse/sexual abuse, and some other "mental illnesses" I do not wish to disclose specifically but the point is that I am healthy, without anymore symptoms. It took me nearly 12 years to finally get my life together where I feel I can have everything I want and I can say I am proud and far stronger and happier because of it.

I highly recommend you look into self love, and healing your inner child.
It may sound silly but it greatly helped me change my perceptions and take responsibility for myself and find my own stance in who/what I am as a multidimensional being in this "lifetime."

I wouldn't worry about external factors, I would worry about YOU, since you should come first anyway, how can you ever intend to love or have sex with a woman if you are still unhealed and un-confidient?
To heal yourself is to become more loving and you can be even a BETTER husband and father than you thought possible.

Don't worry about where "everyone else" is, it's never too late!

 

[Soul]

Joe, if you don't want to ctb, don't rush into it, okay? It's something you can always do later.
I know people in their 30s or so who are for various reasons fed up with "standard" romantic relationships, and just want a soulmate to go through life together. So you're far from alone. The things you feel everyone but you has are not so universal, really.
I can't offer you any specific advice, but ... You see beauty in life, and I hope you can hang onto that and find your way through this hard spell.

 

[JadedGray]

Sometimes exposure in therapy to a traumatic event can actually make you far worse.

The brain makes you "forget" the painful event for a reason. While it does work for a lot of people, I'm not sure it can really ever go away, no matter how much therapy you get.

Psychiatric industry is all about money, so maybe if you see it's making you worse with time consider discontinuing and rather work on the depression.

That's true. I had "forgotten" that I was molested when I was 4 years old by a female relative, until it came out in therapy. Every therapist I had ever met always was sure that I was molested and came across as traumatized and had just repressed the memory of it my whole life. I wish I could go back to not remembering it. Nothing good came out of it, and my mother doesn't even believe me. Though from her point of view I can understand, since it was her sister. After this "revelation" it's too painful to go to therapy anymore. It only makes my depression worse to relive the past and remember all the childhood abuse I endured. My mind has blocked out a lot of memories for a reason.

I can relate to the OP's sentiment. I didn't want it to come to this, but there is no other way.