locketofroses
Member
- Feb 22, 2025
- 14
I turned twenty recently. I know that's still young, I know theoretically I am not running out of time. Except I thought I would be dead by eighteen, and because of that I have nothing now. I don't have the grades to go to university, I'm recovering from an eating disorder so I don't meet the fitness requirements to join the military which was always my plan b, and last time I had a job I had to quit after less than a day because of a medical condition which causes me to be prone to fainting and seizures under certain conditions.
Everyone I went to high school with is in university, they have friends, they have jobs, some of them have even moved out. I'm in my childhood bedroom, unemployed, no friends, not in school, not even ABLE to go to school or get a job. I mean I COULD get a job, but it would end the same way it did last time.
I really can't see any future for myself besides suicide. I've never truly been able to. Even when I imagine moving away from here, maybe even getting married someday, it still ends in suicide if I think far enough. There's no other ending. Every path I can imagine for my life ends the same way. I honestly wish I had succeeded with my first attempt when I was fourteen. It would have saved me from a lot. I thought that was the worst my life would ever get, and it should have been, but it wasn't. It got so much worse, and I wish I had never seen any of it. At the time everyone was all "don't you want to see what the future has". Well, I'm in the future now, and I can safely say I NEVER would have agreed to this if I knew what was coming.
There was a long time where I didn't feel anything at all. Then all I felt was anger, sadness, and fear. Never anything positive. Then that went away again and was replaced by this constant sick feeling until I met a girl who ruined my life. She even told me to kill myself. Maybe I should have listened. It didn't do me any good to stick around until now. Sure, I met somebody better after she left. And he's sweet, he cares about me, I love him. But I still can't see this ending any way besides suicide.
There is nothing for me in this life anymore. Love can only help someone so much. I don't need love, I need a normal life. I need to be self sufficient. I need to be capable of existing on my own. I need freedom. And I will never have any of it.
The closest thing to freedom I am capable of is dying and praying for an afterlife or reincarnation where I can finally have that. I can never have it here though. It's just not going to be part of my story, and that's something I think I've always known. It's just hard to accept when everyone else gets to have it now.
Everyone I went to high school with is in university, they have friends, they have jobs, some of them have even moved out. I'm in my childhood bedroom, unemployed, no friends, not in school, not even ABLE to go to school or get a job. I mean I COULD get a job, but it would end the same way it did last time.
I really can't see any future for myself besides suicide. I've never truly been able to. Even when I imagine moving away from here, maybe even getting married someday, it still ends in suicide if I think far enough. There's no other ending. Every path I can imagine for my life ends the same way. I honestly wish I had succeeded with my first attempt when I was fourteen. It would have saved me from a lot. I thought that was the worst my life would ever get, and it should have been, but it wasn't. It got so much worse, and I wish I had never seen any of it. At the time everyone was all "don't you want to see what the future has". Well, I'm in the future now, and I can safely say I NEVER would have agreed to this if I knew what was coming.
There was a long time where I didn't feel anything at all. Then all I felt was anger, sadness, and fear. Never anything positive. Then that went away again and was replaced by this constant sick feeling until I met a girl who ruined my life. She even told me to kill myself. Maybe I should have listened. It didn't do me any good to stick around until now. Sure, I met somebody better after she left. And he's sweet, he cares about me, I love him. But I still can't see this ending any way besides suicide.
There is nothing for me in this life anymore. Love can only help someone so much. I don't need love, I need a normal life. I need to be self sufficient. I need to be capable of existing on my own. I need freedom. And I will never have any of it.
The closest thing to freedom I am capable of is dying and praying for an afterlife or reincarnation where I can finally have that. I can never have it here though. It's just not going to be part of my story, and that's something I think I've always known. It's just hard to accept when everyone else gets to have it now.
