H
hexesandcurses
Member
- Apr 3, 2022
- 42
I have never posted any venting because I have a deep fear of being humiliated for my feelings but also don't want to be babied so typically I just stay away from venting in order to avoid embarrassment. But this place seems so genuine and I figured a lot of people won't see it anyway.
This sounds weird but while I know my family LOVES me, I don't think they LIKE me.
I've always been an annoying child. I was loud and thought I was smarter than everyone else, a real pain in the ass for my parents, who were teenagers and already didn't want me. As I grew up, I mellowed out but only after some harsh reality checks. I'm still annoying but more reeled in. Now I'm an adult and realize just how awful I've been. I'm the oldest of six and the for a long time have played third parent which makes my siblings resent me, but if I try to go against that then my parents resent me. I was forced out of my home with my mom and step dad due to fight we had involving me wanting to stay with them after high school rather than moving out and now I'm so afraid of conflict resulting in being abandoned that I'll do anything to please people, including sometimes being mean to my siblings, which is horrible and I feel awful for, especially since I'm now an adult and should know better.
I also have so much anger inside me that it scares me. And lately my younger brother (12) has been exhibited very similar behavior to me at that age and it makes me so mad because I feel like I failed him but it also irritates me because I would have done anything to grow up in the environment he's in rather than how I grew up, taking care of my clinically bipolar mother and absent military step father. They're also trans/nonbinary and I have a hard time understanding them sometimes but do my best to support them but if I even slightly upset them he will tell me I hate him and it hurts me so much because I know I'm cruel but I'm trying so hard to be better.
I don't know if I can be better, though. I am truly afraid I will just get worse as I get older. So I am thinking of ctb as a means to stop hurting those I love and to find some peace before I become unforgivable.
I'm sorry for the long post and the melodramatic whining. I just feel very alone and do not want to share this with anyone close to me and worry them. Thank you for listening, I appreciate this site and it's openness.
If anyone else wants to talk or share their own experiences feel free to use this thread to do so.
This sounds weird but while I know my family LOVES me, I don't think they LIKE me.
I've always been an annoying child. I was loud and thought I was smarter than everyone else, a real pain in the ass for my parents, who were teenagers and already didn't want me. As I grew up, I mellowed out but only after some harsh reality checks. I'm still annoying but more reeled in. Now I'm an adult and realize just how awful I've been. I'm the oldest of six and the for a long time have played third parent which makes my siblings resent me, but if I try to go against that then my parents resent me. I was forced out of my home with my mom and step dad due to fight we had involving me wanting to stay with them after high school rather than moving out and now I'm so afraid of conflict resulting in being abandoned that I'll do anything to please people, including sometimes being mean to my siblings, which is horrible and I feel awful for, especially since I'm now an adult and should know better.
I also have so much anger inside me that it scares me. And lately my younger brother (12) has been exhibited very similar behavior to me at that age and it makes me so mad because I feel like I failed him but it also irritates me because I would have done anything to grow up in the environment he's in rather than how I grew up, taking care of my clinically bipolar mother and absent military step father. They're also trans/nonbinary and I have a hard time understanding them sometimes but do my best to support them but if I even slightly upset them he will tell me I hate him and it hurts me so much because I know I'm cruel but I'm trying so hard to be better.
I don't know if I can be better, though. I am truly afraid I will just get worse as I get older. So I am thinking of ctb as a means to stop hurting those I love and to find some peace before I become unforgivable.
I'm sorry for the long post and the melodramatic whining. I just feel very alone and do not want to share this with anyone close to me and worry them. Thank you for listening, I appreciate this site and it's openness.
If anyone else wants to talk or share their own experiences feel free to use this thread to do so.