I'm turning 24 in 4 hours and I don't see how I can continue anymore...
Ever since I was a kid, I knew I was missing that spark in life that everyone else around me just seemed to naturally have. My parents have been through literal hell as war refugees and managed to immigrate to the states to have a better life. Growing up, I was loved by them both and knew I was very fortunate to have such caring parents compared to others. My parent always ingrained into me that I should be grateful for having such an easy life since I was born into a 1st world country and I grew up listening to the horrors my parents had to go through when they recounted their stories of trekking through war torn villages at a young age. I felt guilty that I couldn't just be happy being alive with all I've been born with, and yet had no one to express it to because I knew my family would view me as ungrateful and spoiled. I decided to keep all my sadness to myself and hoped that if I excelled in my academics and eventually graduate from college with a degree, I would eventually have a life of my own and attain happiness in my life.
I ignored my depression throughout high school, believing it was a momentary phase that would go away once I entered college. I only focused on school throughout my teens and worked in various science programs during my summers. With my hard work and non-exisistent social life, I managed to get into a prestigious university with a full ride and felt my life would finally begin. However, my years throughout university were torturous and I was even more anti-social than I was in high school. COVID destroyed any leftover courage I had to meet with people. Instead, I turned to drugs and alcohol to cope with my ever growing loneliness and despair as I finished my last couple years of school. I graduated with my engineering degree as COVID died down and did not maintain a single connection by my last day there.
Despite my self isolation throughout university, I managed to land a decent tech job after college and moved to a completely different state away from my family. I was miserable everyday in this job. I had severe social anxiety and could not even speak coherent sentences when interacting with clients. I could tell everyone was not happy with my performance and my suicidal ideation skyrocketed during my time there. Everyday I would wake up dreading going into work and then come back to my empty apartment to drink my sorrows away. I cried more during the time I worked this job than the past several years. I had my CTB method planned and knew it was only a matter of days before I died alone in that apartment.
However, with much contemplation, I decided to try moving back home as one last attempt to keep on living. I quit my job with no other plans and moved back to parents' house after only having worked a year. My parents could sense I was not in the right state of mind and tried being gentle with me for the first few weeks. They thought I just needed some time to process and would get back to being a functional adult. As much as my parents tried, they will never truly understand me as they had a completely different childhood compared to mine. We can't even communicate properly due to their lack of English whereas my primary language became English after growing up in a place far from their home country. Eventually, they were fed up with my depressing presence in the house and worried that I would make nothing out of my life.
Unaware to them, I was actually back on drugs and high for the first two months of me living there, trying to run away from my never ending desire to just end it all. Eventually, I ran out of my supply and didn't have it in me to get more. Instead, I just wallowed in self pity and hated my existence more than I ever have. It was just so painfully ironic and despairing to me. Younger me thought I would have all my shit figured out at this age and would have been living life with that spark I always saw in other people's lives. Yet, after reaching this point in life, I see that everyone else is just going through life despite the shitty-ness in this world, despite the fact that our planet will probably not make it due to climate change, despite the crushing weight of our capitalistic society. I just feel I was not born with that will to live in spite of the horrid things occurring in this world. My life has actually reached it's lowest point and I honestly don't think I can see it getting any better.
It's now 3 hours left until I turn 24. I don't think I can keep on going anymore. I am unemployed, directionless, and a burden to my family. I feel so terrible that I've taken this fortunate life for granted and incredibly guilty to my parents who have worked hard to give me all these opportunities in a country they aren't welcomed in. Yet, here I am, throwing it all away because my brain can't make me believe life is worth living. I don't know where to go from here.
Ever since I was a kid, I knew I was missing that spark in life that everyone else around me just seemed to naturally have. My parents have been through literal hell as war refugees and managed to immigrate to the states to have a better life. Growing up, I was loved by them both and knew I was very fortunate to have such caring parents compared to others. My parent always ingrained into me that I should be grateful for having such an easy life since I was born into a 1st world country and I grew up listening to the horrors my parents had to go through when they recounted their stories of trekking through war torn villages at a young age. I felt guilty that I couldn't just be happy being alive with all I've been born with, and yet had no one to express it to because I knew my family would view me as ungrateful and spoiled. I decided to keep all my sadness to myself and hoped that if I excelled in my academics and eventually graduate from college with a degree, I would eventually have a life of my own and attain happiness in my life.
I ignored my depression throughout high school, believing it was a momentary phase that would go away once I entered college. I only focused on school throughout my teens and worked in various science programs during my summers. With my hard work and non-exisistent social life, I managed to get into a prestigious university with a full ride and felt my life would finally begin. However, my years throughout university were torturous and I was even more anti-social than I was in high school. COVID destroyed any leftover courage I had to meet with people. Instead, I turned to drugs and alcohol to cope with my ever growing loneliness and despair as I finished my last couple years of school. I graduated with my engineering degree as COVID died down and did not maintain a single connection by my last day there.
Despite my self isolation throughout university, I managed to land a decent tech job after college and moved to a completely different state away from my family. I was miserable everyday in this job. I had severe social anxiety and could not even speak coherent sentences when interacting with clients. I could tell everyone was not happy with my performance and my suicidal ideation skyrocketed during my time there. Everyday I would wake up dreading going into work and then come back to my empty apartment to drink my sorrows away. I cried more during the time I worked this job than the past several years. I had my CTB method planned and knew it was only a matter of days before I died alone in that apartment.
However, with much contemplation, I decided to try moving back home as one last attempt to keep on living. I quit my job with no other plans and moved back to parents' house after only having worked a year. My parents could sense I was not in the right state of mind and tried being gentle with me for the first few weeks. They thought I just needed some time to process and would get back to being a functional adult. As much as my parents tried, they will never truly understand me as they had a completely different childhood compared to mine. We can't even communicate properly due to their lack of English whereas my primary language became English after growing up in a place far from their home country. Eventually, they were fed up with my depressing presence in the house and worried that I would make nothing out of my life.
Unaware to them, I was actually back on drugs and high for the first two months of me living there, trying to run away from my never ending desire to just end it all. Eventually, I ran out of my supply and didn't have it in me to get more. Instead, I just wallowed in self pity and hated my existence more than I ever have. It was just so painfully ironic and despairing to me. Younger me thought I would have all my shit figured out at this age and would have been living life with that spark I always saw in other people's lives. Yet, after reaching this point in life, I see that everyone else is just going through life despite the shitty-ness in this world, despite the fact that our planet will probably not make it due to climate change, despite the crushing weight of our capitalistic society. I just feel I was not born with that will to live in spite of the horrid things occurring in this world. My life has actually reached it's lowest point and I honestly don't think I can see it getting any better.
It's now 3 hours left until I turn 24. I don't think I can keep on going anymore. I am unemployed, directionless, and a burden to my family. I feel so terrible that I've taken this fortunate life for granted and incredibly guilty to my parents who have worked hard to give me all these opportunities in a country they aren't welcomed in. Yet, here I am, throwing it all away because my brain can't make me believe life is worth living. I don't know where to go from here.
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no one deserves such feelings. you are not your parents and you are not ungrateful for not wanting life. it really isnt suited for everyone. one small something special for yourself today (sweets, present, fun outing etc) can be a victory that may ease the burden the tiniest bit for now. i hope something helps you find peace 
