avaruus
loser · gone very soon
- Aug 17, 2022
- 560
Some days ago i did oxycodone. My usual dose is 20mg, but now i did 30mg and had a 2 week break beforehand.
Oxy for me, has been a great escape from reality. But when i did it this time, a brutal realization hit me, i wasn't enjoying it.
And it's not like it didn't work, technically i felt the euphoria.
But, i was sad the entire time, i was just thinking about all the negative shit in the world.
Which made me realize that i don't think i can ever find true happiness and contentment, even if my personal situation would improve.
Meaning that even if would get my life together; easen my social anxiety, get friends, a job that i like and find love.
I think i would still be sad and unhappy.
One of my main sources of sadness is that other people are suffering, and there is nothing i can do about it.
Like religious people often argue against atheists; "without evil, there cannot be good".
But it's just so depressing to think that there will always be misery, pain and sadness.
New people are constantly born into this world and a lot of them are going to suffer, a lot.
I just can't come to terms with it.
Even just surfing on this forum, though i'm glad that i found this forum (so much advice & support), it's also just so incredebly depressing to read about you guys suffering.
It's like reading gore instead of watching it.
I've been even thinking about leaving this forum because of it, but then again it would feel like turning my back on people in need of help and support.
I asked for an advice about this on an another forum, and they said "you shouldn't feel responsible about other peoples pain", but that's not the issue, i don't really feel particularly responsible.
I haven't done some unforgivable sin to other people that i feel really guilty for.
Even though i guess everyone has done some pretty shitty and mean things in their life, at one point or an another.
It's just that i feel so incredebly frustated and hopeless. Often i find myself trying to answer to a post here, just to end up not responding at all. Because i have no idea what to say.
I wish i could help but my knowledge is limited and my skills to write an emphatetic message that doesn't just sound like some AI generated pro-life garbage is even more limited.
I'm also not good with words, so i'm thankful for people here who can write those beautiful & supportive posts to people in need of help.
I've also thought about the motives of the source of my empathy, because i've never really been particularly emphatetic to other people IRL
So maybe i'm just pretentiously emphatic to gain some kind of moral high ground against other people, maybe to boost my own ego and sense of being 'a good person'.
It is a little bit weird thing to accuse of themselves, but i am myself a little bit suprised about my worry for the world. It's also not like i wasn't aware that there is so much of suffering.
So i'm confused why i feel so sad about it all of a sudden.
I also wish i could relate to the people on this forum who think that death is 'salvation'. Don't get me wrong, i'm not a pro-lifer.
I understand that it's their life and that if death is what they wish for (i relate), they should be allowed to escape from their pain.
But still, i just can't help but think that death is just so incredebly sad thing. And the fact that people are forced to wish for that, instead of living and thriving.
It's just so fucking sad.
I'm not really a kind of guy to post venting threads, so sorry for the long rambling. Might be hard to read.
I just wanted to vomit my thoughts out.
Oxy for me, has been a great escape from reality. But when i did it this time, a brutal realization hit me, i wasn't enjoying it.
And it's not like it didn't work, technically i felt the euphoria.
But, i was sad the entire time, i was just thinking about all the negative shit in the world.
Which made me realize that i don't think i can ever find true happiness and contentment, even if my personal situation would improve.
Meaning that even if would get my life together; easen my social anxiety, get friends, a job that i like and find love.
I think i would still be sad and unhappy.
One of my main sources of sadness is that other people are suffering, and there is nothing i can do about it.
Like religious people often argue against atheists; "without evil, there cannot be good".
But it's just so depressing to think that there will always be misery, pain and sadness.
New people are constantly born into this world and a lot of them are going to suffer, a lot.
I just can't come to terms with it.
Even just surfing on this forum, though i'm glad that i found this forum (so much advice & support), it's also just so incredebly depressing to read about you guys suffering.
It's like reading gore instead of watching it.
I've been even thinking about leaving this forum because of it, but then again it would feel like turning my back on people in need of help and support.
I asked for an advice about this on an another forum, and they said "you shouldn't feel responsible about other peoples pain", but that's not the issue, i don't really feel particularly responsible.
I haven't done some unforgivable sin to other people that i feel really guilty for.
Even though i guess everyone has done some pretty shitty and mean things in their life, at one point or an another.
It's just that i feel so incredebly frustated and hopeless. Often i find myself trying to answer to a post here, just to end up not responding at all. Because i have no idea what to say.
I wish i could help but my knowledge is limited and my skills to write an emphatetic message that doesn't just sound like some AI generated pro-life garbage is even more limited.
I'm also not good with words, so i'm thankful for people here who can write those beautiful & supportive posts to people in need of help.
I've also thought about the motives of the source of my empathy, because i've never really been particularly emphatetic to other people IRL
So maybe i'm just pretentiously emphatic to gain some kind of moral high ground against other people, maybe to boost my own ego and sense of being 'a good person'.
It is a little bit weird thing to accuse of themselves, but i am myself a little bit suprised about my worry for the world. It's also not like i wasn't aware that there is so much of suffering.
So i'm confused why i feel so sad about it all of a sudden.
I also wish i could relate to the people on this forum who think that death is 'salvation'. Don't get me wrong, i'm not a pro-lifer.
I understand that it's their life and that if death is what they wish for (i relate), they should be allowed to escape from their pain.
But still, i just can't help but think that death is just so incredebly sad thing. And the fact that people are forced to wish for that, instead of living and thriving.
It's just so fucking sad.
I'm not really a kind of guy to post venting threads, so sorry for the long rambling. Might be hard to read.
I just wanted to vomit my thoughts out.
