So one of the major things that has kept me going and stopped me from offing myself many times is the hope for a better life. A hope I will be able to experience a stable happy family life, and that I will be financially stable.
While one day I think I could become financially stable. I don't think I will ever have a happy stable family life.
My grandparents for better or worse gave this illusion. And now that my grand dad has been dead a little over a month. I found a major thing that kept me going is gone.
During my granddad funeral my grandmother didn't show any emotion other than boredom. I basically wrote that off as she was dealing with this for a while, and in due time all of our tears dry up. Then I found out within a few days she sold his truck, and gotten rid of all of his clothes. I wrote that off as she might of been needing the money, and it is better for the truck to go vs sitting there. Then I find out my granddad wanted a military funeral, and she was the thing that blocked that. I didn't think that was right. Then I find out she is doing other things to basically erase his existence.
This told me my granddad was the only one there trying to keep a stable happy family. And the stories I heard after he died told me how much he bent way over backwards to achieve this. And after he died all that ended up happening is his daughter and one son heavily is up to their sneaky shit. My grandmother erasing my granddad as he was never alive. She is becoming more and more open about being judgmental. And now I'm realizing there most likely isn't a true path to a happy stable life.
I use to be extremely pushing to die at points. Normally with it wrapped around with anger or whatever. But now, I'm just disappointed.
My sister is massively a substance abuse person. My parents are workaholics and highly judgmental. I'm disabled (autistic) and basically wanted to die a long time ago. Other than my parents I honestly don't have anyone I consider to be my family anymore.
And the most disappointing thing out there is that other than something like investing into bitcoin when it was new, which at the time I had no idea how it would turn out. Like other than changing decisions based on what I know today. There was no non-forced errors. Like assuming my knowledge at the time hasnt changed. I don't know of a single thing I done wrong and that would've lead to a happy life. I'm mid 30s and living with my parents, unemployed, no prospects of a romantic relationship, and so on. I tried the path of education and even have 4 degrees, I tried start my own stuff, I tried dating sites, and so on. And again, while I suspect I will end up being financially stable if I keep living. I don't think I will ever have a stable life.
I thought I would be angry, but I'm actually just disappointed. I'm tired of the game. And if it wasn't for the fact my death would make my parents sad, or they would have to deal with the aftermath. I would just off myself right now instead of typing this out.
I'm sorry to anyone who reads this incoherent ramble. I just needed to put my thoughts to paper so to speak.
While one day I think I could become financially stable. I don't think I will ever have a happy stable family life.
My grandparents for better or worse gave this illusion. And now that my grand dad has been dead a little over a month. I found a major thing that kept me going is gone.
During my granddad funeral my grandmother didn't show any emotion other than boredom. I basically wrote that off as she was dealing with this for a while, and in due time all of our tears dry up. Then I found out within a few days she sold his truck, and gotten rid of all of his clothes. I wrote that off as she might of been needing the money, and it is better for the truck to go vs sitting there. Then I find out my granddad wanted a military funeral, and she was the thing that blocked that. I didn't think that was right. Then I find out she is doing other things to basically erase his existence.
This told me my granddad was the only one there trying to keep a stable happy family. And the stories I heard after he died told me how much he bent way over backwards to achieve this. And after he died all that ended up happening is his daughter and one son heavily is up to their sneaky shit. My grandmother erasing my granddad as he was never alive. She is becoming more and more open about being judgmental. And now I'm realizing there most likely isn't a true path to a happy stable life.
I use to be extremely pushing to die at points. Normally with it wrapped around with anger or whatever. But now, I'm just disappointed.
My sister is massively a substance abuse person. My parents are workaholics and highly judgmental. I'm disabled (autistic) and basically wanted to die a long time ago. Other than my parents I honestly don't have anyone I consider to be my family anymore.
And the most disappointing thing out there is that other than something like investing into bitcoin when it was new, which at the time I had no idea how it would turn out. Like other than changing decisions based on what I know today. There was no non-forced errors. Like assuming my knowledge at the time hasnt changed. I don't know of a single thing I done wrong and that would've lead to a happy life. I'm mid 30s and living with my parents, unemployed, no prospects of a romantic relationship, and so on. I tried the path of education and even have 4 degrees, I tried start my own stuff, I tried dating sites, and so on. And again, while I suspect I will end up being financially stable if I keep living. I don't think I will ever have a stable life.
I thought I would be angry, but I'm actually just disappointed. I'm tired of the game. And if it wasn't for the fact my death would make my parents sad, or they would have to deal with the aftermath. I would just off myself right now instead of typing this out.
I'm sorry to anyone who reads this incoherent ramble. I just needed to put my thoughts to paper so to speak.
