Discussion I dont think a woman will ever love me because im mentally ill.

[cylus46]

I always have told my friends "if I fall in love with a girl I want her to have the same problems I have" and I say this because I feel like especially as a man, not being ok and having the mental issues I have just makes me undesirable to most women. That the only woman I'm deserving of having is one's with issues such as myself....is that wrong to think that way?

I know that's a very closeted view and women aren't a hivemind. I'm just speaking from what I've experienced and researched about women. Which is why I'm asking the question here to hear what real woman have to say to further show me how wide the binary actually is outside of my perception of the world so far.

A little context to me- i am suspected to have bpd and i have mental breaks and these moments of dissociation...but I always made it a ruke in my life to NEVER take it out on people, friends, family and certainly not a partner. I also love obsessively...almost seeing my partner as above myself and a perfect being who can do no wrong and I feel like If I don't worship I'm a failure to them. It sounds toxic but again I'm oddly self aware and make sure my behavior aren't problematic to them or toxic to them. I also stim somewhat...I do this weird thing where I crack my neck by tilting my head sideways, sometimes when im thinking, overwhelmed, ill also do the same with my knuckles. I alao sometimes get really happy and I'll shake my hand just a tad bit...I try to hide it or do it on my own time because that's weird. And idk if pacing around during stressful things is a stim but I do that as well.

Anyways I just wanted to make a clearer picture of what type of mentally ill I am so the woman can answer this better.

So with all that in mind
my question is (in a tldr)
"I feel like most woman find me undesirable because of my mental health issues. Is this true? And am i only worthy of women who are as broken and ill as me?"

 

[GeorgeEastman]

I don't think so. It's a waste of time being around a bunch of la ti dah people. I really only want to talk to people who hate life like I do or just leave me the hell alone.

 

[ma0]

I'm not one to give relationship advice, hell, I've never been with anyone my whole life, but I think the main rule with dating and stuff is "don't be a dickhead."

So, if you're just a decent person personality wise, regardless of mental illness, you still largely stand a chance.

Or, at least, that's what I've picked up on my very little experience, lol

 

[bankai]

The dating game is very, very tough. I was just going through some of the posts on Reddit on channels like hinge,bumble and tinder.It's just brutal. Guys and girls both complaining about people just ghosting them for no reason. Dates go phenomenally well and then one person just disappears and ghosts the other.


So relationships are already very complicated. Then if you add these personal mental issues to the mix on top of that, then well. It's kind of a losing battle. But I understand not wanting to be alone and being desperate to find someone. I think there's someone for everyone. Only problem is it's going to be an uphill battle trying to find that individual.

Me personally, I would focus on female friends instead of trying to date actively. I think if you can be friends then you can maybe date later. So you'll know your compatibility during the friendship phase without the difficulty of being in a actual relationship or dating. Most of the women I know are just coworkers and friends. We usually just laugh and have fun,eat at the cafeteria .Me personally, I'm not looking to date anyone though. In your case, however, I think that this is a good idea for you to maybe date someone later on.

 

[Grog]

You are not unworthy of love just because you have a mental illness. So many of us do; it's so much more common than some might think.
I think that as long as you are proactive in trying to keep your mental illnesses from harming others, than you should be able to date people.
Everyone is worthy of love; mostly...

 

[vitbar]

Mental illness will limit your pool of "hopefuls". It won't only be women with mental illness who are interested. You will even get the opposite from some where your mental illness is an issue because they have one too (both being ill can be too much for either).

 

[Aloneandinpain]

I don't think you'd need someone mentally ill, but maybe someone with a similar level of stuggles in their life?

I think any type of significant chronic illness, disability etc would potentially be a compatible condition, especially as being ill can also be depressing.

 

[Ashu]

I'm crazy, and all my girlfriends have been crazy. Who else would I want to be with?

 

[cylus46]

You are not unworthy of love just because you have a mental illness. So many of us do; it's so much more common than some might think.
I think that as long as you are proactive in trying to keep your mental illnesses from harming others, than you should be able to date people.
Everyone is worthy of love; mostly...

I hope so. I just feel like as a man I should be perfect and not flawed the way I am. Ik it's dumb but it's just the way the women in my life have conditioned me. And I was vulnerable to women before and they used me :(

 

[wham311]

I'm not one to give relationship advice, hell, I've never been with anyone my whole life, but I think the main rule with dating and stuff is "don't be a dickhead."

So, if you're just a decent person personality wise, regardless of mental illness, you still largely stand a chance.

Or, at least, that's what I've picked up on my very little experience, lol

Ya unfortunately for dickheads who can't control themselves life is a nightmare

 

[failure_consumes]

I always have told my friends "if I fall in love with a girl I want her to have the same problems I have" and I say this because I feel like especially as a man, not being ok and having the mental issues I have just makes me undesirable to most women. That the only woman I'm deserving of having is one's with issues such as myself....is that wrong to think that way?

I know that's a very closeted view and women aren't a hivemind. I'm just speaking from what I've experienced and researched about women. Which is why I'm asking the question here to hear what real woman have to say to further show me how wide the binary actually is outside of my perception of the world so far.

A little context to me- i am suspected to have bpd and i have mental breaks and these moments of dissociation...but I always made it a ruke in my life to NEVER take it out on people, friends, family and certainly not a partner. I also love obsessively...almost seeing my partner as above myself and a perfect being who can do no wrong and I feel like If I don't worship I'm a failure to them. It sounds toxic but again I'm oddly self aware and make sure my behavior aren't problematic to them or toxic to them. I also stim somewhat...I do this weird thing where I crack my neck by tilting my head sideways, sometimes when im thinking, overwhelmed, ill also do the same with my knuckles. I alao sometimes get really happy and I'll shake my hand just a tad bit...I try to hide it or do it on my own time because that's weird. And idk if pacing around during stressful things is a stim but I do that as well.

Anyways I just wanted to make a clearer picture of what type of mentally ill I am so the woman can answer this better.

So with all that in mind
my question is (in a tldr)
"I feel like most woman find me undesirable because of my mental health issues. Is this true? And am i only worthy of women who are as broken and ill as me?"

I have my own issues, but my partners are a bit more extreme. Diagnosed bipolar with ptsd...etc. its not easy. If I know he does what he can to care for himself then I understand and forgive and love him for it. I help him as.much as I can and sometimes that means just understanding. You are loveable. Many women would love someone to put them.on a pedestal or to help at least for you to understand that being put up there is not great all the time. You have to be willing to be truthful about how you are and try your best. The right person will see that. You knowing yourself as well as you described is honestly a headstart compared to most men I've met. Love isn't perfect...not remotely. It's not just for perfect people. You sound great to me

 

[badkarma4618]

i dont think you are only worthy of love from someone "as broken" as you

yeah maybe some people might not be equipped emotionally or mentally to be able to understand and support someone that suffers with a complex mental illness and all that comes with it. but this doesnt make you unlovable or only deserving of the love that someone with the same experiences can give.

maybe your issues have been too much for someone in the past but thats just a reflection of their limits and not your worth. there are women who will not just tolerate your complexities but appreciate, respect, and love you for them because its part of what makes you you.

keep your heart open you may find love unexpectedly <3

 

[Higurashi415]

Most people will not find you desirable anyway, unless you're like a Hollywood-level handsome and Elon Musk-level rich at the same time, which is pretty much impossible. Do you really care about being desirable to most people?

On a second note, I'm not even convinced that's true. Rescuer/savior complex is a real thing, and afaik it's actually more common in females than males. At any rate... I don't believe we're defined by our mental illnesses, as much as they may be a burden, no more than we are defined by the color of our hair, or our height. We're more than that.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

I don't think I've ever met anyone who wasn't "off" in one way or another. I'm not making light of more serious issues. But the saying is true "everyone seems normal until you get to know them". There are no perfect men or women, every relationship has it's seemingly impossible problems. I've known a lot of couples who were both mentally ill in their own ways and worked it out. I'm no expert and am too old for this kind of thing now. Just rambling.

 

[davidtorez]

My personal story:
Sometimes as depressed suicidal people we can feel like nobody can ever love us for who we are. I know I was like that until I met Cinthia my beautiful fiancee. She accepted me and I accepted her. We love each other even though we're both struggling with depression anxiety and a whole host of other things. Believe me when I say this, I never thought id find someone who would understand me. But miracles happen and I found her accidentally !
So i think this message is important for everyone.
Love isn't based on perfection.
People don't love others because they're always happy or functional—they love them for who they are: their kindness, their sense of humor, their resilience, their uniqueness. Depression is something you experience, not something you are.
Empathy and connection thrive through honesty.
When you let someone see your pain, your struggle, it can deepen the bond. Vulnerability is not weakness—it's a bridge.
Depression doesn't erase your worth.
You're still the person who can comfort a friend, enjoy a good song, care deeply about others, and have dreams—even if right now those things feel distant.
Loving someone means being present, not fixing everything.
A good partner or friend won't expect you to be "better" to be loved. They'll walk beside you, even when things are hard.
I know my life will always be filled with pain and suffering, but I have a partner who will be with me until the end who will suffer with me, and enjoy the good times when they come .

 

[eattwinkiesseejesus]

How do you stick to your rule and keep from hurting those close to you?

 

[cylus46]

How do you stick to your rule and keep from hurting those close to you?

Im just very self aware. In constantly in my head assessing my actions, even when I'm in a meltdown and I can't think straight I remove myself which is a double edge sword because I get away from people when I'm at my worst but I'm at my worst alone.

My whole life I've had ppl take their problems out on me so I kind of assessed those situations and made them applicable to my own. When having sad thoughts I fake smile to my partner and SH or just ramble in my head on my own time. When I'm angry instead of blowing up on my partner I think so highly of them that their presence can calm me down.
Ill sometimes space out if I'm feeling on the verge of something bad or maladaptive daydream to take my mind off reality even if for just a second.
Theres many ways I don't but it all comes down to this rule I feel like is tatted on my brain "don't take it out on others"

 

[Wolf Girl]

It's kinda weird how you think of women with the same mental health issues as you as less desirable (asking if "all you deserve" is a mentally ill woman) and then are butthurt about women not wanting YOU because of your mental illness. You're *always* going to have trouble dating if you hold others to a totally different standard than yourself. It would be one thing if you were concerned about not being strong enough to support someone else but with you it just sounds like you're pouting because you have to "settle" for a woman with the SAME ISSUES AS YOU.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

It's kinda weird how you think of women with the same mental health issues as you as less desirable (asking if "all you deserve" is a mentally ill woman) and then are butthurt about women not wanting YOU because of your mental illness. You're *always* going to have trouble dating if you hold others to a totally different standard than yourself. It would be one thing if you were concerned about not being strong enough to support someone else but with you it just sounds like you're pouting because you have to "settle" for a woman with the SAME ISSUES AS YOU.

Not to jump on your comment but I do think the op grew up with the mentality that love will fix his problems which I think we both know is not true.
A woman is not a rehabilitation center for a broken Man, and people don't need to be fixed to be loved to begin with. You can't fix someone else you can only love them the way they are, and I think he's projecting his insecurity onto other people instead of learning to love himself.

My biggest problem with "other" depressed people is that a lot of them have this mentality where they want to be both the hero and the victim and I honestly am tired of it.

OP I mean no negativity to you, but being strong is a choice not a state of natural being. It's up to you if you're going to push through this or not but honestly looking for someone else to help you stay afloat is only going to drag someone else down.
Your partner is not supposed to be your mommy or your daddy who's going to carry you, and I get how it feels to be helpless. But you got to build yourself to be worth holding on to.

 

[cylus46]

It's kinda weird how you think of women with the same mental health issues as you as less desirable (asking if "all you deserve" is a mentally ill woman) and then are butthurt about women not wanting YOU because of your mental illness. You're *always* going to have trouble dating if you hold others to a totally different standard than yourself. It would be one thing if you were concerned about not being strong enough to support someone else but with you it just sounds like you're pouting because you have to "settle" for a woman with the SAME ISSUES AS YOU.

You misinterpreted me. I'm not saying women with problems the same as me are less desirable. I think I can only be with woman like me not because I'm settling im not really sure where you got that vibe from (maybe my use of the word "worthy" set you off, if so that's my bad that wasn't my intention and probs poor word choice. BUT NOW YK! :) I DONT THINK women who dont have these issues would understand me or my problems and that could lead to a whole host of issues in a relationship. "It would be one thing if you were concerned about not being strong enough to support someone else" is exactly what i mean.

I feel like a woman who don't understand my problems because they never had it or some variation of it will either feel like I'm not worth even the trouble of dating (**and that's totally valid i never said that was wrong**) and or will try to date me and would somehow be negatively effected by my mental problems (in the replys above I stated how I'm very against taking my mental health issues out on other people, I encourage you to read those replies)

I feel like because of my issues I'm not compatible with those women, not because their beneath me or whatever you claimed but simply because of the two factors 1. They dont get my issues and problems could arise from one individual having problems another cannot understand. And this feeds into factor 2. If they did give me a chance I don't think im in the right to take it because what if my mental problems effect them? which is a big no no for me.

I don't think me wanting a woman with my issues is settling
I simply want to be with someone who understands my problems as it would help the two factors I listed above. If anything a woman with issues that I can relate to is probably the preferable choice in terms of sheer compatibility.
Again if my wording didn't convey that nicely now you know.

Not to jump on your comment but I do think the op grew up with the mentality that love will fix his problems which I think we both know is not true.
A woman is not a rehabilitation center for a broken Man, and people don't need to be fixed to be loved to begin with. You can't fix someone else you can only love them the way they are, and I think he's projecting his insecurity onto other people instead of learning to love himself.

My biggest problem with "other" depressed people is that a lot of them have this mentality where they want to be both the hero and the victim and I honestly am tired of it.

OP I mean no negativity to you, but being strong is a choice not a state of natural being. It's up to you if you're going to push through this or not but honestly looking for someone else to help you stay afloat is only going to drag someone else down.
Your partner is not supposed to be your mommy or your daddy who's going to carry you, and I get how it feels to be helpless. But you got to build yourself to be worth holding on to.

Never claimed i wanted a woman to be my rehabilitation center. Check my reply to wolf girl where I cleared up her misinterpretion and further elaborated.
Tldr: i feel like my problems would be too much for the woman who cannot relate to these problems and I gave two specific reasons why.
I don't want a mommy, nor am I projecting insecurities. I just think a woman who is knowledgeable in the same struggles i am would be a better fit for someone like me because they understand my issues.
And I don't want that so they can "save me" I want it because it's always nice to find a partner you relate to. Who understands you.


I said to another reply already but my biggest rule is for my mental issues to never effect others and I live by that rule. I never expect anyone to fix or carry me.

I have my own issues, but my partners are a bit more extreme. Diagnosed bipolar with ptsd...etc. its not easy. If I know he does what he can to care for himself then I understand and forgive and love him for it. I help him as.much as I can and sometimes that means just understanding. You are loveable. Many women would love someone to put them.on a pedestal or to help at least for you to understand that being put up there is not great all the time. You have to be willing to be truthful about how you are and try your best. The right person will see that. You knowing yourself as well as you described is honestly a headstart compared to most men I've met. Love isn't perfect...not remotely. It's not just for perfect people. You sound great to me

I try to be as self aware as possible. I find knowing what's wrong with me even if I don't know how to fix to it- It Helps me prevent myself from leaking any negativity onto the people around me, thats always beenca big no for me. I want to be open about how I am and my issues to someone, especially a partner and I just made this post because I feel like if I'm open to a woman who dosent get where I'm coming from that may carry a bad ending. Maybe I scare them off, maybe they feel digested by me, or whatever the case. So I'm just wrestling with the idea Maybe i have to find someone whos like me, who gets me and my struggles, maybe not every woman who dosent will have a adverse reaction, etc etc- I'm getting a mix of answers and I'm taking them all in and you're reply makes me pretty hopeful!