Venting I don't remember not being depressed

[rxk39]

Hi, first post. Been lurking as a member for a little bit but lurked as a guest for even longer. Usually I'm too anxious to post on forums but what does it matter in the end, right?

I can't remember a time in my life that I wasn't depressed. It genuinely fucks me up so bad, that ever since I was not even 10 years old I have been wanting to die. I've been living with this awful weight for years and years now and I'm tired, I'm just so exhausted. Every day I have to fight so hard to get out of bed and do the shit I need to do. It's torture. I have no one I can go to, no one knows the extent of how depressed I am. No one knows how close I've been to committing suicide over and over, no one knows about the actual attempts either. Even the people who know I'm depressed don't want to think about it. I think I'm just a burden to everyone around me. The only people who love me do it out of obligation, I have friends but I don't think any one of them genuinely cares about me, they all have closer friends and I have no one. Even the people I do have I'm constantly worrying about losing them because I'm never going to be enough for them.

It sounds stupid and childish but I just wish someone would come and tell me everything is going to be okay. And that I won't have to struggle through everyday in a dissociative haze because of this disease. I don't want to suffer anymore, I just want to have some peace for once because with every passing day it gets harder and harder to visualise me staying in this awful fucking world where I'm an even worse fuck-up to even survive in it. It's been so many years, I just want a break for once.

 

[ididnotconsent]

Everything i do as well is forced, waking up, showering, brushing my teeth. It's all forced so i can get through the day.

Are there circumstantial reasons for your depression? Past traumas, just completely dismayed by the state of this world/prison planet or a combination? Or simply just a chemical imbalance?

I'm hurting badly myself. I figure i try to fix things over the next few years and if it's unfix-able, well then maybe catching the bus is the cure.

Hugs to you and i wish you all the best the world has to offer.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you'd feel so tired, it really sounds like you've suffered a lot, it's just so cruel to me how there's all this pain and suffering in existing. But anyway I wish you the best, I hope that you find the relief you search for.

 

[rxk39]

Everything i do as well is forced, waking up, showering, brushing my teeth. It's all forced so i can get through the day.

Are there circumstantial reasons for your depression? Past traumas, just completely dismayed by the state of this world/prison planet or a combination? Or simply just a chemical imbalance?

I'm hurting badly myself. I figure i try to fix things over the next few years and if it's unfix-able, well then maybe catching the bus is the cure.

Hugs to you and i wish you all the best the world has to offer.

I don't know what started it. I've thought about it a lot, and if I had to guess, some combination of shitty childhood circumstances, genetics, and bad luck. Nowadays, just a fact of life combined with awful levels of self hatred. It's a vicious cycle that I've come to realise the only solution is to CTB.

Hugs to you as well, I hope your pain can be relieved.

 

[ididnotconsent]

I don't know what started it. I've thought about it a lot, and if I had to guess, some combination of shitty childhood circumstances, genetics, and bad luck. Nowadays, just a fact of life combined with awful levels of self hatred. It's a vicious cycle that I've come to realise the only solution is to CTB.

Hugs to you as well, I hope your pain can be relieved.

I deal with low self esteem and hatred to. Have you tried therapy and whatnot or meds?

 

[rxk39]

I deal with low self esteem and hatred to. Have you tried therapy and whatnot or meds?

Tried meds, but they put me in a brain fog and destroyed my executive function, and that was really unbearable for me. Also tried therapy but the therapist was weirdly religious and condescending. I know people say you have to give it a few tries (for meds and therapy), but honestly I'm exhausted, going through doctors and finding people and the whole lot of it. I'm always in my own head, and I don't see a world where any kind of meds or therapy is gonna fix me when my brain is constantly yapping on and on to myself. Have you tried/has it helped you?