I don't really want to get better

[Deleted member 17949]

It would be really cool if I was okay being alive. It would be amazing to have motivation, interest in things, happy feelings and a good self esteem. Even though this sounds good, I'm not willing to try to get any of it. I don't have the energy to pour myself into recovery. For me even the tiniest actions take a lot of internal negotiation and effort to pull off, so getting into any kind of regular routine for recovery is out of the question. I don't want whatever life has to offer me at this point. I wanted to be able to get through things easily, but that's impossible so I don''t want to live.

 

[ghostgirl1995]

Agreed, recovery seems impossible. I think I'll lose everyone by the time I'm somewhat recovered/healed. It hurts.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

It's more than impossible, it't not even appealing. I don't want to become the mentally ill guy. I don't want to spend years making depression the center of my life and possibly being sectioned for harming myself. It's just way too much, I can't do it.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

It would be really cool if I was okay being alive. It would be amazing to have motivation, interest in things, happy feelings and a good self esteem. Even though this sounds good, I'm not willing to try to get any of it. I don't have the energy to pour myself into recovery. For me even the tiniest actions take a lot of internal negotiation and effort to pull off, so getting into any kind of regular routine for recovery is out of the question. I don't want whatever life has to offer me at this point. I wanted to be able to get through things easily, but that's impossible so I don''t want to live.

I can relate to this. Even the tiniest everyday tasks, such as sorting out my wardrobe and cleaning require a lot of effort. Buying groceries is also a pain. I barely force myself to exercise from time to time. I struggle with the basics. Nothing brings joy - sex, any sort of physical activity, music, movies, reading etc. I could just sit, vape and stare at the walls for days on end. I don't want small pleasures of life, let alone challenges. I am done. I am in my mid thirties with no family of my own, no friends and noone I care about in a non-superficial way. I am emotionally stunted and cannot break out of that, cannot force myself to care about anything or anyone. I can hardly find anything I have in common with anybody. It is too late to change now. I will get my SN soon and that will be the end.

 

[The Dark Chaos]

I understand. Life, happiness, love or anyythingg just feels too good to be true. It doesn't seems appealingg to me. It just feels like a distraction. A distraction from what? Idk!

 

[Scooby-Doo]

I don't av the energy, only thing keeping me going is work. I think that's going down hill because I've to do physical intervention course and I have social anxiety and I will fail it with flying colours. Won't be doing it again when I fail. If I'm sacked that's the little push I need to ctb.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

It's difficult to improve while having suicidal thoughts. It's like a fight inside our minds everyday, the part that wants to improve vs the part that wants to die. I tried to improve just to try because I don't want to ctb without trying. That's what will give me calm.

 

[Sadkitty]

I'm kind of tired rn egg.... But I'm so sad for you. You have so much to offer. You really do. You make me smile almost every time I talk to you. I know that you feel hopeless and my words don't help. I've never been in the position to see the good in someone that they don't see so I'm not good at encouraging people. I know that how other's feel about you doesn't change how you feel inside. I know. But I want you to know that I and so many here love having you around and wish nothing but happiness and prosperity for you. You have made so many people feel better even for a little while. Just know that you are stronger than you might think. I hope you can find that strength to try. Take care egg.

 

[lostangel]

Having suicidal thought is somewhat comforting. It a solution to the pain you are feeling. I'm so comfortable having suicidal thoughts that I don't want to recover.

 

[Cashewmilk]

I can relate a lot. I just don't think most people get it. I'm not looking for recovery lol. I don't want to be here, period. I don't want to do life, I don't want to "work hard" and stick around until I'm old and become crippled from old age, and suffer extremely and then die. I'm antinatalist so no, I'm not going to use children as pawns to entertain myself, I don't want to fucking work! I don't want to DO ANYTHING except the things that *I* want: sleep, eat what I want, smoke my drugs and cigarettes, and sleep some more. But you can't do that unless you're extremely rich and don't have to work. I don't want to "suck it up" and do it because everyone else is, no, fuck that. You can call me lazy, selfish, whatever, not my fault I wasn't born athletic and strong. I'm just being honest, there is seriously nothing "good" that I want. Everything I want is considered toxic, so clearly this world isn't for me, simple as that.

 

[kinzokukae]

I can relate a lot. I just don't think most people get it. I'm not looking for recovery lol. I don't want to be here, period. I don't want to do life, I don't want to "work hard" and stick around until I'm old and become crippled from old age, and suffer extremely and then die. I'm antinatalist so no, I'm not going to use children as pawns to entertain myself, I don't want to fucking work! I don't want to DO ANYTHING except the things that *I* want: sleep, eat what I want, smoke my drugs and cigarettes, and sleep some more. But you can't do that unless you're extremely rich and don't have to work. I don't want to "suck it up" and do it because everyone else is, no, fuck that. You can call me lazy, selfish, whatever, not my fault I wasn't born athletic and strong. I'm just being honest, there is seriously nothing "good" that I want. Everything I want is considered toxic, so clearly this world isn't for me, simple as that.

^^^^ this exactly. all i want to do is eat, sleep, play games and enjoy nature in the dark. but if i can't do that, then i want to die. i don't want to 'recover' - all that involves is endless time wasted so i can work, make minimal amounts of money, waste even more time doing nothing, and repeat. how do people even enjoy life when that's all it is? i wish i was rich; i could do whatever the fuck i wanted.

 

[Cashewmilk]

^^^^ this exactly. all i want to do is eat, sleep, play games and enjoy nature in the dark. but if i can't do that, then i want to die. i don't want to 'recover' - all that involves is endless time wasted so i can work, make minimal amounts of money, waste even more time doing nothing, and repeat. how do people even enjoy life when that's all it is? i wish i was rich; i could do whatever the fuck i wanted.

Enjoy nature in the dark? You mean like nocturnal?? That is my absolute favorite! I love taking my flashlight and going out at night and seeing the insects and animals come to life, it's their only haven away from humans. I swear my whole street is dead quiet at night, literally all the robot neighbours are sleeping, and I watch snails and bugs and spiders, raccoons and skunks, beautiful moths and caterpillars. I'm totally nocturnal at heart, I've been this way my whole life, and the first chance I was allowed to stay up all night at age 12, I've been doing it since. I remember being a small kid like aged 6 and rubbed my eyes violently so I could fall asleep at night because my parents forced me to, I was always alive at night. Too bad this world is made for daywalkers lol. And same here, if I had unlimited money like millions or a billion, I'd forget about CTB for another 20-30 years for sure, until my body can't handle it anymore and I get too old and crippled.

 

[noaccount]

I feel you. For me it was important to stop thinking of my emotional struggles and suffering as 'illnesses' and to throw away other people's ideas about what ways-of-living were 'better' - even suicidally depressed or disabled or whatever, my way-of-living is still 'better' than that of high-functioning professional people who treated me with chauvanism and controlling behavior!

 

[Scooby-Doo]

I don't av the energy, only thing keeping me going is work. I think that's going down hill because I've to do physical intervention course and I have social anxiety and I will fail it with flying colours. Won't be doing it again when I fail. If I'm sacked that's the little push I need to ctb.

I've now ordered sn, whether it's real deal I'm not sure. I've decided after a long time to get it. I know I'm impulsive at times but having it might make me feel better about things. I've nothing to loose.

 

[TheSoulless]

I can relate a lot. I just don't think most people get it. I'm not looking for recovery lol. I don't want to be here, period. I don't want to do life, I don't want to "work hard" and stick around until I'm old and become crippled from old age, and suffer extremely and then die. I'm antinatalist so no, I'm not going to use children as pawns to entertain myself, I don't want to fucking work! I don't want to DO ANYTHING except the things that *I* want: sleep, eat what I want, smoke my drugs and cigarettes, and sleep some more. But you can't do that unless you're extremely rich and don't have to work. I don't want to "suck it up" and do it because everyone else is, no, fuck that. You can call me lazy, selfish, whatever, not my fault I wasn't born athletic and strong. I'm just being honest, there is seriously nothing "good" that I want. Everything I want is considered toxic, so clearly this world isn't for me, simple as that.

Exactly! Related picture:


Also, respect for being an antinatalist! There are way too few of us.

 

[darkghost]

I can relate. I just don't have the energy to stay alive.