Help I don't really want to CTB, I just want to stop living the life I live

[GrumpyFrog]

Hey, everyone. I feel a little embarrassed making a thread venting/asking for advice/bitching and moaning, especially considering I am horrible at helping others so I don't even try, but here it goes.

I just took a DNA test, turns out I'm 100% that suicidal person that doesn't really want to CTB, but is desperate for an escape from pain and exhaustion. The only reason why I keep looking for peaceful ways to die is because I really don't like the idea of homelessness and starvation, and that's what my whole life is - working two full time jobs to avoid homelessness and starvation, sleeping 4 hours a day at best, constantly fearing making a mistake because I have no value and they will fire me with no second thoughts and getting fired means homelessness and starvation. And I really don't see how it can ever change.
I want to see the ocean. I want to travel. I want to take a vacation and just go to the coffee shops, and the zoo, and the amuzement parks. I want to have a big Christmas dinner and a big Christmas tree and a beautifully decorated house and exchange gifts. I want to do those things people do in movies and videos, I want to enjoy life. But I will never do it. I was born in poverty and I will die in poverty, because there is nothing I can offer to the world, I wasn't blessed with high IQ, or talents, or beauty, or even good health, and I want to slap every single person that told me that working hard can help you achieve your dreams when I was a kid, because working hard is not worth shit in our society. I am at the bottom of the barrell and there is nothing out there for me but fighting for survival.
I guess my question is - is there a different way to look at this, maybe? Is there some perspective I'm missing? Is there any way to stop fearing homelessness, starvation and extreme physical pain due to inability to afford medication other than CTB - or am I perfectly correct, and ending things really is the only escape?

 

[Amumu]

I think that's difficult to answer for people who have never really experienced poverty.

So all I can do is to try to send compassion.

I'd tell you to try to find some friends irl but I don't have any. Or maybe some associations could help you...

 

[massiveblackhole]

i feel sorry for you and this is exactly the kind of unfairness in life that makes me want to ctb. that we are trapped in this miserable existence just in order to survive - but what is the point of living if you cant enjoy it? i wouldnt say i was born into poverty but i didnt have it easy growing up - we couldnt afford power, i remember getting chillblains (kind of like frostbite) just from being inside the house. i managed to get a student loan to afford to go to university and now i have a reasonable job that i can live a comfortable life. but even now it all seems so pointless? like i slave away for most of the year and only have time to do fun stuff for a couple weeks of the year. i guess the key is to try and find small things you can enjoy regularly. still all seems kind of pointless though. im now at the stage where im contemplating buying a house but the thought of getting a mortgage and slaving away for the rest of my life to pay it off terrifies me so im also contemplating just taking what savings i have to enjoy the rest of my life without having to work and do fun stuff then ctb.

i hope you can find a way to improve your situation and do all the things you'd like to do. but if its any consolation, celebrities who "have it all" and can afford to do all the stuff they want to do often ctb as well...

 

[GrumpyFrog]

Thank you for your replies, guys.

I'd tell you to try to find some friends irl but I don't have any.

That is a very good advice, actually, wish I wasn't as horrible at the whole friends thing as I am. From what I see, personal connections get you through life so much better than hard work. I definitely wasted my youth, from what I see if you hadn't been lucky enough to be born a child of parents that have wealth, connections, or at least are willing to put their all into helping you out, your next best chance to get ahead in life would be spending your youth partying with the ones actually lucky enough to be born into rich families, so that you create the right connections, 200% more useful for your future than having straight A's, unless straight A's come easy to you and you can combine that with partying.
I'm sorry you stuggle to make friends too. I know it's tough.

we are trapped in this miserable existence just in order to survive - but what is the point of living if you cant enjoy it?

Yeah, that is exactly what I've been thinking. Sorry you're feeling the same way.

i wouldnt say i was born into poverty but i didnt have it easy growing up - we couldnt afford power, i remember getting chillblains (kind of like frostbite) just from being inside the house. i managed to get a student loan to afford to go to university and now i have a reasonable job that i can live a comfortable life. but even now it all seems so pointless? like i slave away for most of the year and only have time to do fun stuff for a couple weeks of the year.

Hey, if you ask me not being able to pay the electric bill and getting frozen in your own house is exactly what I would call poverty, so you had a pretty rough start and it's amazing that you were able to make something out of yourself, instead of turning to alcohol, drugs, crime and other dark things. I'm sorry it still didn't let you to break out of that trapped feeling.

 

[massiveblackhole]

Thank you for your replies, guys.


That is a very good advice, actually, wish I wasn't as horrible at the whole friends thing as I am. From what I see, personal connections get you through life so much better than hard work. I definitely wasted my youth, from what I see if you hadn't been lucky enough to be born a child of parents that have wealth, connections, or at least are willing to put their all into helping you out, your next best chance to get ahead in life would be spending your youth partying with the ones actually lucky enough to be born into rich families, so that you create the right connections, 200% more useful for your future than having straight A's, unless straight A's come easy to you and you can combine that with partying.
I'm sorry you stuggle to make friends too. I know it's tough.


Yeah, that is exactly what I've been thinking. Sorry you're feeling the same way.

Hey, if you ask me not being able to pay the electric bill and getting frozen in your own house is exactly what I would call poverty, so you had a pretty rough start and it's amazing that you were able to make something out of yourself, instead of turning to alcohol, drugs, crime and other dark things. I'm sorry it still didn't let you to break out of that trapped feeling.

thanks yea well we never starved so im grateful for that but having experienced that i have the same fear you have of never wanting to go back to that so i basically work myself to death and save as much as i can in case i lose my job so i guess i dont spend as much on fun stuff as i should so im still feeling trapped. what can you do.

 

[timf]

Picturing in your mind the "ideal" life can create a mountain so high it can seem unobtainable. There are two things you might try that could help.

1. give yourself small objectives to experiment that you could string together to build the life you want (baby steps).

2. Realistic worst case scenarios. Most homeless adapt to the life because of drug and alcohol abuse or sever mental illness. Being broke and without a place to stay need only be temporary (hours) if one takes advantage of social support services, churches, charities, and even strangers. It can help reduce the fear of something like potential homelessness if you realistically consider the realities if it should happen.

I remember a time I spent four hours in a grocery store walking the aisles trying to figure out how much food I could get for 28 cents (this was back in the 70s). Sometimes there can be things which we need to let go but are reluctant. Being forced to change (even by losing a job or residence) can be a blessing in disguise.

 

[AutoTap]

If it helps you feel better majority of people that are suicidal and truly suicidal. But they also don't want to die they just want to escape pain, suffering, and etc.

this is what I call the "I don't want to die I just don't want to live" phenomenon and is like 99% of suicidal people imo