Water-Lily
Enlightened
- Dec 26, 2020
- 1,190
I've recently been practicing healthy boundaries. I've been prioritizing how my mind and body feelings in stressful situations. If I am having a trauma flashback. If I am feeling overwhelmed. If I feel the need to leave a particular situation. All these things I try to feel and not gaslight myself into not feeling
I not too long ago was berated by my aunt over me trying to speak up for myself. Its a long story I don't feel like going into (I've talked about it enough and with my therapist) and its a situation where I acknowledge I did nothing wrong. I was speaking up and my aunt chose to react against me. I remember my body shaking and me crying over the phone, to which I promptly hung up. Since then, I also decided to cancel our plans to go to Jamaica. As since I cannot have a conversation with her without feeling unsafe, I can't imagine being stuck with her for a week while I keep my feelings to myself
I had seen her in person yesterday to discuss a personal matter. And the whole time she kept asking me if I had something I wanted to "talk about". Insinuating the blow out. The way she framed it, was as if I was the one "blowing out". But I told her no. I did not feel safe to talk to her as past attempts of being vulnerable did not result in me feeling safe. However, I told her I would listen to her but not give any input. She said if I wasn't going to give input she wouldnt either so she decided not to bring it up. It was awkward between us, but I felt it was better I protect my peace
The reality is that I have always been written off as "sensitive" and "over dramatic" by my family. My feelings which were in a direct response to the severe abuse and trauma I was subjected to in my home was always written off as I was the problem. I had to carry battle wounds alone because no one wanted to step in and protect me, always brushing off my feelings. And their perception has no changed even with therapy and medication
So I know that any way of emotional vulnerability is not going to change their minds. And it's not my job to make them understand how I feel. My aunt just said "I dont know how to understand you". And the reality is that she and nobody else every really tried because it was easier to write off my feelings, just how they do my mom in her passing. No one holds space for authentic feelings/empathy, and I am not going to force anyone to understand me. I will teach them through my boundaries
To them I'm an overly sensitive person who has tantrums and blow outs. To myself, I am a traumatized individual who has been gaslit all her life and is now practicing boundaries
I not too long ago was berated by my aunt over me trying to speak up for myself. Its a long story I don't feel like going into (I've talked about it enough and with my therapist) and its a situation where I acknowledge I did nothing wrong. I was speaking up and my aunt chose to react against me. I remember my body shaking and me crying over the phone, to which I promptly hung up. Since then, I also decided to cancel our plans to go to Jamaica. As since I cannot have a conversation with her without feeling unsafe, I can't imagine being stuck with her for a week while I keep my feelings to myself
I had seen her in person yesterday to discuss a personal matter. And the whole time she kept asking me if I had something I wanted to "talk about". Insinuating the blow out. The way she framed it, was as if I was the one "blowing out". But I told her no. I did not feel safe to talk to her as past attempts of being vulnerable did not result in me feeling safe. However, I told her I would listen to her but not give any input. She said if I wasn't going to give input she wouldnt either so she decided not to bring it up. It was awkward between us, but I felt it was better I protect my peace
The reality is that I have always been written off as "sensitive" and "over dramatic" by my family. My feelings which were in a direct response to the severe abuse and trauma I was subjected to in my home was always written off as I was the problem. I had to carry battle wounds alone because no one wanted to step in and protect me, always brushing off my feelings. And their perception has no changed even with therapy and medication
So I know that any way of emotional vulnerability is not going to change their minds. And it's not my job to make them understand how I feel. My aunt just said "I dont know how to understand you". And the reality is that she and nobody else every really tried because it was easier to write off my feelings, just how they do my mom in her passing. No one holds space for authentic feelings/empathy, and I am not going to force anyone to understand me. I will teach them through my boundaries
To them I'm an overly sensitive person who has tantrums and blow outs. To myself, I am a traumatized individual who has been gaslit all her life and is now practicing boundaries
