Help I don't need to be optimistic to change and I cant change overnight

[SecretDissociation]

Recently started therapy- well pre-therapy i guess. medication still isn't working. im picking up maladaptive coping mechanisms like a dog picks up sticks.

The therapist keeps bringing the point of me not being or looking or feeling motivated or optimistic. I have to 'commit' to not dying, to pushing my suicide plans. That makes sense I get that fine fair enough, going through therapy and wanting to get better while having plan(s) CAN be a contradiction... I guess. I don't get it but whatever, it makes sense in some peoples heads.

But to keep saying I have to 'commit' (I'm going to commit if i hear that word next session I swear to FUCK) to not self harming. Ah yes let me stop the thing that keeps me coping. So I did stop and then i ended up drinking alcohol (did not work because apparently IM TOO FUCKING FAT TO GET FUCKING DRUNK) and then I had a breakdown like fourty minutes ago. Cut my hand, it hurts, its just a small cut, but i can still see the fat and the vein under it so i bandaged it up. Cut my neck, not that much, and gambled. So clearly, I don't think just committing to not doing things is going to help me. the pressure makes me want to burn myself alive. maybe ill pour vodka over myself and do just that.

Am I daft? Am I 'overreacting' at the premise of 'committing' to stop? Imagine telling someone addicted to smoking who goes to a smoking support group for the first time that they now have to commit to no smoking. Like yes, but you need support to build up that commitment you can't just turn up and tell your client or whatever that you not have to stop like that isn't how it works- you'd think a professional would know that

ADDITIONALLY THESE MEDS DONT DO SHIT FUCK SERTRALINE i really thought it would work this time. clearly i need a higher dose? maybe im fatter now because of this fucking eating disorder and so im not metabolising meds properly? althoughthings like painkillers dont work on me?

Someone tell me if I am going about this wrong! Sorry about the mess of the rant-im kind of very usntable right now - totally not my fault though ahahaha. <3

 

[ma0]

I've seen this type of shit everywhere, just spitting out some bullshit without properly elaborating or giving support, and then blaming the victim for not understanding their vague af "motivator"

Know that it has nothing to do with you, you're trying your best, but you've been offered no support by those who are supposed to.

 

[LunarEc]

SSRIS suck ass in my own opinion. Im on prozac 40mgs dosage, it does NOT make me feel any better. I'm not depressed but I am bored. Bored enough to commit suicide, I lost feelings so I wanna feel something. You should consider telling them to change ur meds if they dont work.

 

[lost_one]

Well, self-harm is technically a "Bad" coping mechanism, I think your therapist should try to work with you to find a more healthy one. and No you don't need to be super positive to get better but you need to be realistic. Also motivation is hard to summon on it's own, in my not at all professional opinion it's more of discipline than motivation. I like to watch anime, as silly as it sounds it motivates me. I think comminting to not self-harm should be a long term goal, that in to long run you won't need it anymore, but idk how he/she frased it.

About the wanting to die, I think it's less about not wanting to CTB and more about do you want to get better? do you want to change? and ultimatly do you want to live? (Otherwise yes, therapy is kind of pointless) try to focus in that, on what you want and what you CAN do about. It's going to be fucking hard, life usually is. and it sucks.

I agree don't feel pressured, adding the weight of pressure isn't going to help, I have read somewhere that our brains don't deal well with negatives specially with things that have more than two out comes (so like "don't close the door" seems easy cause the only other state for it is open) but things that have more options are hard, I remember a teacher that was teaching me how to write a proper essay, and he kept saying things like "you can't use this word, or you can't use thhis specific text structure, and I wrote half decent texts before, but after two months in his class I just couldn't write at all, cause I was so worried about all these things that I wasn't allowed to do while at the same time not really knowing what I should do. So try to focus on the things you CAN do.

Lastly medication takes time to actually work, your doctor should have explained that to you, usually a month to 45 days, for the actual effects to start, but also medication isn't a miracle cure, it's going to help a little, but not "fix" you ( but always, ALWAYS TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR about these things before taking action, don't quit the meds or up your dosage on your own.

I self-harm, and I had quit it for almost a year, and yeah life happens and I cut my thigh like 2 weeks ago, it sucks, but it helped in the moment, my therapist was not happy to hear that, but didn't exacly reprimand me either. She just sighed and ask why I did it.? etc.

This is obviously just my opining and you should do whatever you think is best for yourself, good luck.

 

[curiouscvnt]

Have you asked the shrink what they mean by 'commit to'?
Put some pressure back on THEM. I ask questions in therapy frequently, many of them pointed.
Do you think they would listen if you told them why their current approach hasn't worked for you?