SpinTop555
Member
- Nov 16, 2020
- 70
I am so sick of myself. I hate myself. I'm so worn down by grief and depression. I want to end this nightmare. My daughter is nearly five, I have primary custody and her dad has her every weekend. I'm just not coping. I have BPD and therapy isn't helping. Doing DBT, can't seem to "work" the skills before destroying relationships. I'm so torn. It's the weekend now, and I desperately want to kill myself (would only do it when my daughter is safely elsewhere) and end the pain and grief inside. I feel I'm damned either way. Stay and suffer, or leave and pass on my pain. I feel even if I do stay, I will end up messing up my daughter and she will cut me off. She'll hate me if I do it now, or hate me later anyway. I don't want to be alone. I want love and a life partner and to be happy. But we don't always get what we want. One day she will leave me forever. I am so sick in the head and the heart, I can see future arguments and see her hating me and me hating myself even more than I already do. I'm in a damned situation. I can't move forward, I can't undo becoming a mother, I can't undo all the damage and pain I have caused. I can't make sense of my own thoughts. I'm so consumed by shame, guilt, depression, emotional pain. I'm so tired, I just want to get off this ride. Life is nothing but constant endless pain and suffering. My daughter deserves better than me. Than I can/could give her.