Venting I don't know

[puppy9]

Sorry guys for flooding your brains with my pathetic gibberish.

I got my SN and anti-emetics to catch the bus. I know if I catch the bus; I'll be better off. But, my mom ,every time I see her wrinkles I start to weep inside. I just couldn't imagine how her life would be if I'm gone. She is a single mother, always did her best to provide for me, never gave up me, we go through thick and thin together, and funding my NEET lifestyle. She's fragile, and need a walking stick; to walk.

My father was a deadbeat + emotionally abusive husband and father. He left us when I'm 12. Most of my family ostracized us because we lack money. They even kicked my mom from the family will, and disowned us.

One day my mom's friend asked her what am I doing. She told her that I'm sick and on the road of recovery. Her friend replied; just chuck him into the mental hospital, and some shitty advice on how to raise children. My mom told me about this and she decided to end the friendship. At this moment, I start to question my decision to catch the bus. Just imagine when I'm gone, how much insult and guilt-tripping she'll go through! Those people out there, no nothing about us. But they will the first to write a thesis on us. I hate imagining the image of emotional abuse she'll go through especially at her age, if I decided to end myself.

The friend of me mom that insulted me, doesn't know that we knew that her son just got out of the slammer due to drug charges. But we are kind enough not to bring it up, knowing that it'll hurt her feelings. She insulted us without the knowledge that we knew about this. Imagine this ignorance is bliss meat giving me mom pointers on how to raise children; the irony. I told my mom why don't you bring up her son into the conversation, me mom told me that it's a waste of breath to entertain her; better to cut ties. Do you think my mom did the right thing; to shut up? I wish my mom just blast her with some, "hey I heard you son was incarcerated for 3 years due to some drug charges, and you have the audacity to give tell me how I should raise my children!"

Now probably I need to live like a corpse just because I'm afraid to leave her; fending for herself.

 

[ninthhokage]

Wow, OP. Reading that definitely pulled on my heart strings. No need to apologize because that most certainly was not pathetic gibberish. I can tell how much you love your mother, and how much she loves you. It sounds like you two are extremely close and completely support one another and have an amazing relationship.

I personally feel like you should not make the decision to CTB for the time being. She would be heartbroken and I know you would not want to put her through that pain. I'm so happy to hear that she has been there for you and has helped you through this difficult time. You should let that be your strength and work on making positive changes at your own pace.

Your mom was definitely the bigger person when it comes to that "friend" and that is really admirable. Don't let people like that bother you or worry about anything they have to say. People like that are unhappy and try to make others feel the same way, so they can feel better.

I'm wishing you the best and I hope you will be able to pull through for yourself and your mom.

 

[BPD_LE]

Your Mom sounds as wonderful as you are ❤

 

[Lester Cohle]

I wish I could have a ready answer for you, but I can't think of any. I am in a similar predicament though, and what I do is wait for the time being. Is it possible for you to find some job that is rather undemanding? Doing so would probably make the time flow by faster and your mother proud. Besides, I believe that your mother is right concerning the relatives - don't pay any attention to them and pretend that they don't even exist. Peace.
Almost forgot to say that I appreciate your profile picture. Have you read such Chekhov's short stories, as The Lights or In Moskow (not sure about their English translation, sorry). I hope you will like them if you haven't read them already. Chekhov is kind of my passion as well.
Hm, I just might have a half-assed answer for you. It might sound strange, but what do you thing about joining the armed forces of your country? Of course, it depends on the country you live in and the state of your health, but thing about it: if you live in a first world country, then you will get neat bonuses and an occupation that doesn't demand much effort from you. At least, you can find yourself in a unit that resembles more a summer camp than some stuff we see in the movies.

Personally, I live in one of the poorest countries which currently happens to be in a conflict. If I die (what is extremely unlikely), my family will receive support from the government and being KIA is far more better than killing myself since here it is considered to be a disgrace. If I stay alive, well... Maybe I will get a chance to become a military engineer and defuse explosives; that seems like an interesting specialisation.

Have you seen Calvary (2014)? There is a guy in that movie who illustrates what I'm trying to formulate.
P.S. Why this site combines all my messages? It is extremely annoying.

 

[FaceToFloor]

I can relate to having a mom like yours and the frustation of being held back from CTB. But until you do, having just one person who unconditionally loves you and wants you to be well is invaluable.
I know my mom is like that too, even though she often gets extremely upset to the point of raging at me because of my self-harm and breakdowns. But I suppose that is because nothing hurts her more than me being hurt, and because she will endlessly believe that I could be well again.
I take it yours believes so too, which even if you know isn't possible, and though I don't know about your exact situation, I hope you can bide your time for now, if just for the faintest hope of making this damned life bearable for you and your mother.
Lastly, to answer your question, I think it was admirable for her not to stoop anywhere towards that absolute cunt's level. Not that she didn't more than have it coming, but silently taking the moral victory in such a bafflingy disrespectful situation further illustrates what an exceptionally kind soul she is.

 

[puppy9]

I wish I could have a ready answer for you, but I can't think of any. I am in a similar predicament though, and what I do is wait for the time being. Is it possible for you to find some job that is rather undemanding? Doing so would probably make the time flow by faster and your mother proud. Besides, I believe that your mother is right concerning the relatives - don't pay any attention to them and pretend that they don't even exist. Peace.
Almost forgot to say that I appreciate your profile picture. Have you read such Chekhov's short stories, as The Lights or In Moskow (not sure about their English translation, sorry). I hope you will like them if you haven't read them already. Chekhov is kind of my passion as well.
Hm, I just might have a half-assed answer for you. It might sound strange, but what do you thing about joining the armed forces of your country? Of course, it depends on the country you live in and the state of your health, but thing about it: if you live in a first world country, then you will get neat bonuses and an occupation that doesn't demand much effort from you. At least, you can find yourself in a unit that resembles more a summer camp than some stuff we see in the movies.

Personally, I live in one of the poorest countries which currently happens to be in a conflict. If I die (what is extremely unlikely), my family will receive support from the government and being KIA is far more better than killing myself since here it is considered to be a disgrace. If I stay alive, well... Maybe I will get a chance to become a military engineer and defuse explosives; that seems like an interesting specialisation.

Have you seen Calvary (2014)? There is a guy in that movie who illustrates what I'm trying to formulate.
P.S. Why this site combines all my messages? It is extremely annoying.

Thanks for your suggestions. Due to my mental illness, I'm not fit for service and I live in a third world country. The armed forces here is badly compensated.
Now thinking of getting an apprenticeship for a mechanic position. Just to kill time. Probably that is too demanding. Dog walking gig is good too.

Sorry to hear that you and your family need to be in such dangerous conflict. I hope you're in a safe place.

I'll totally give the movie a shot.

You're a man of culture to have interest in Chekhov; I just heard about him. Collecting some money to buy my next batches of books and I'll surely add Chekhov work into my list.

Thanks so much

 

[notjustyetagain]

sincerely, my heart aches for you. your mother sounds exceptionally graceful, as do you. i hope you can find some way of coping. but i would understand if you still need to catch the bus. it's clear how much you love your mother and it seems the love flows from her to you, too. whatever happens, i think you're lucky to have each other. nothing lasts forever, but a single second of the time you've shared with her is far more meaningful than however many years of emotional abuse her "friends" and other relatives heap on you both. you both deserve better people in your lives; but i'm so glad you have each other. it must be extremely painful to go through what you're going through when you love someone else as wholeheartedly as you do.

the world would be a much better place if relationships like those between you and your mother were more common. the world is ugly, but what you share with her is profound and beautiful. have you expressed your love to her as genuinely as you've expressed it here? it's heart-breaking, but it's glorious.

 

[Stan]

Your mother is a far better human than I am. I would had something something like 'Hey, just got a new job as a parole officer - guess I will see more of your son than you do!" And then do an epic exit out of the room

 

[puppy9]

Your mother is a far better human than I am. I would had something something like 'Hey, just got a new job as a parole officer - guess I will see more of your son than you do!" And then do an epic exit out of the room

Now I want you as my mom.