Venting I don't know

[Junkhead]

I am 20 years old and have wasted almost my entire youth with depression to the point I feel like it has permanently shaped my brain and I have come to the realization that it only gets worse each year and it terrifies me for what's about to come. I recently had the most suicidal episode I've ever had and I experienced almost uncontrollable impulses and it's so terrifying how bad it can get. I remember when I was younger and I thought it wasn't a big deal because I couldn't grasp how people actually commit suicide despite being depressed and now here I am. I hate myself so deeply. I overthink everything and zone out 24/7. I have done so much drugs to become more confident, but the comedown on almost every drug is gut-wrenching when I have to face reality again. I have obsessive and intrusive thoughts which makes my life hell. I seriously feel like the most pathetic, stupid and ugly loser in the world and I genuinely feel it so much. I have a loving girlfriend who I love more than anything and I am somehow experiencing heartbreak. It's gut wrenching and I feel like I have been cheated on, even when that never happened. My mind makes everything hell, especially the things that I love in my life so I feel trapped because my mind even attacks love and makes something negative about it which becomes my reality. I don't know why, maybe I am just very insecure. Everything I do is a failed attempt to cope with how much my life sucks. No matter what I do. I feel like a prisoner in my own mind. I don't think I will be here for much longer because I can't handle this heartbreak and gut wrenching feeling that is always with me. Life feels like a deep heartbreak all the time, and I can't handle heartbreak and don't understand how people survive a bad heartbreak because im so weak and dependent like if my girlfriend left me I would just kill myself and it would be an easy choice because I am weak and cannot handle more heartbreak than I already feel all the time. I don't know why I am stuck with this feeling. Everything is so painful and brutal.

 

[MyShadow]

You're correct when you say that depression gets worse as you get older. I am 56 years old and my depression, anxiety and PTSD have all gotten steadily worse over the years, and it has continued to fuel my strong desire to end my life. More now than ever.

Depression steals your soul. Drugs do the same. Yet the good thing is that you are young enough to get a jump on this. If you want answers and solutions, they're out there. You can get healthy and save your relationship through a variety of ways.

Whatever you choose, I hope you find peace.