juneberry1234
Member
- Dec 10, 2023
- 14
Basically what the title says. Over the last 6 months I feel like my identity is being pulled away from me. I'm currently 20 and can say that when I entered college when I was 18 I was leaving a 5 year long relationship after she had been cheating on me for months. This opened up my eyes to the cruel world we live in, before I felt like I had the path before me already laid out, now I see no path ahead and with my identity being so unknown it is not helping. I can tell you that my morals have not changed since I was 8 years old, I know I'm a good person at heart, however, everything about me is gone. I do not recognize the person who is in my body and I hate my physical features as well. I just feel so lost. I'm trying to communicate everything I'm feeling with my therapist but its so difficult. And I would say starting 6 months ago I have had this incredible urge to see my father who left my family when I was 10 years old. All I know about him other than the few memories I have is that he is not a good person, however, I do remember seeing him a few times due to a court order which my mom fought against which left me with no voice when I was younger. I think that's partly the reason I want to see him because I want to know what he's like now and because I didn't have a voice when I was younger, my mother controlled my life. Everything clashing together now is making my identity spiral. And because of all of this I've been have some mild suicidal thoughts recently. Like I can finally rest when I am gone, or ctb would be the best option for me to get through this. I am also very gloomy about the future, if I do push forward I don't believe I can last long, maybe before 30. But that also depends on the direction my life goes, if I am finally happy before then, I think there is no point in ctb, however, if my life continues to throw me curve balls left and right and only continue to get worse then I can almost guarantee I will ctb in the future. I just want to find who I am before to feel comfortable with myself and who I am, I miss that feeling.
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