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noreallynotmarcy
Member
- Jun 28, 2024
- 11
Hey, new here after spending an hour trying to find it. It's ridic that the name of this site goes unmentioned in articles, I can't stand that kind of information gatekeeping. Anyway, I have Bipolar NOS, I carry a lot of self-loathing and if I got hit by a bus tomorrow, I'd be fine. I'm 40, in grad school and struggling. All my friends have careers or families. I'm married, with a dog, but I feel like my career window closed. I opted for school to delay heading out into the "real world" thinking I'd be good enough for academia, but turns out it's not the case. Though my advisor tells me I'm pretty advanced, but I don't believe her.
I'm worried about money, school, my fading appearance. I have a speech impediment. I'm anxious all the time. I know this stuff is fixable with hard work, but I question if it's worth it. With mental health noise, I feel like I can't function at all, and wonder if I'm just better off making my life about my mental health. But I don't want to do that either.
I don't understand why I can't just get that toe over. I was so ready a few days ago, even looking for my favorite alt.suicide.holiday thread that I've always had a copy of (since about high school), but it's just not happening. I hate that I don't have enough of my meds to off myself. I hate that I'm afraid of suffocating though it would probably be the easiest way to go.
I'm worried about money, school, my fading appearance. I have a speech impediment. I'm anxious all the time. I know this stuff is fixable with hard work, but I question if it's worth it. With mental health noise, I feel like I can't function at all, and wonder if I'm just better off making my life about my mental health. But I don't want to do that either.
I don't understand why I can't just get that toe over. I was so ready a few days ago, even looking for my favorite alt.suicide.holiday thread that I've always had a copy of (since about high school), but it's just not happening. I hate that I don't have enough of my meds to off myself. I hate that I'm afraid of suffocating though it would probably be the easiest way to go.