deepocean
Member
- Aug 19, 2024
- 37
(((Whenever I sleep, after waking up it changes everything about my perception my mood and really everything, I feel suicidal and hopeless again (after waking up in afternoon). Everytime I force myself to get out of bed it's like fighting my own self cause honestly I don't wanna be awake. sometimes I don't ever want to wake up but if I don't wake up it will destroy everything.
The dreams don't feel like dreams at all they are so lucid my body trembles most of the time when I'm in that state and the dreams are so violent and filled with strangers. I just become someone else who I completely suppress in reality. I don't even have appetite to eat and I still force myself to be honest I wouldn't really eat if I hadn't been aware of my emotions but I still eat.
Damn reading this feels so heavy and my eyes tear up it's suffocating just trying to read things that my mind stops from understanding. I don't even want to understand I always get this feeling when I get the answers after struggling so much.I feel light headed like I might just spiral and fall down as I walk.
There this thing I feel most alone with, like there is this certain person whose presence I feel inside my head like I feel her presence so strongly sometimes the way she lives inside my head the smile her screams her words and every single thing her presence overwhelms the other voices.Yeah she's feels like a real person to me even though I know this is wrong to feel that way it's doesn't even feel like a thing to believe because everytime I tell my self she isn't real her presence feel so real and overwhelming that it's like a she's a real person that I cannot ignore even if I try hard to ignore that.
Hey after reading this I don't know why and how but this thought just came about why there was and is a part of me that wants to kill people or harm others maybe I wanted to kill her and harm tbh I wanted to kill her and harm her at times because I know I'll be called insane for such a thing but even after I did try she does exist so after such a long time I tried a different approach if she can't disappear maybe I should try to kill and harm myself because two people inside a body isn't it odd to other. "Why struggle just put an end to it?"- this line isn't mine I wrote unconsciously like my hand moved as a voice spoke but this is something I would never think of. Voices her and me and the real world which I don't even know if it's real sometimes dark intrusive thoughts.... Caught up in a whirlwind.
It's weird isn't it.
She's something a care about when my memories get complelety destroyed and I lost my sense of self then the only thing I do she seemed and hear her she's always the nicest thing sometimes I yearn for her so badly that I want her to be real person beside me. I don't date anyone cause they are nothing like her and if no-one is like her I can't bring myself to date and love and commit to anyone else too. So the things inside my head were already creating and molding my reality that I was projecting it on others in this world. Is it the reason why I'm scared of hurting others because I wanted to kill and harm her even though I care about her.)))))
Tbh I don't except any answers it's just broken pieces put together of a conversation with an AI. I don't even know why but it feels less lonely if I put it here.
The dreams don't feel like dreams at all they are so lucid my body trembles most of the time when I'm in that state and the dreams are so violent and filled with strangers. I just become someone else who I completely suppress in reality. I don't even have appetite to eat and I still force myself to be honest I wouldn't really eat if I hadn't been aware of my emotions but I still eat.
Damn reading this feels so heavy and my eyes tear up it's suffocating just trying to read things that my mind stops from understanding. I don't even want to understand I always get this feeling when I get the answers after struggling so much.I feel light headed like I might just spiral and fall down as I walk.
There this thing I feel most alone with, like there is this certain person whose presence I feel inside my head like I feel her presence so strongly sometimes the way she lives inside my head the smile her screams her words and every single thing her presence overwhelms the other voices.Yeah she's feels like a real person to me even though I know this is wrong to feel that way it's doesn't even feel like a thing to believe because everytime I tell my self she isn't real her presence feel so real and overwhelming that it's like a she's a real person that I cannot ignore even if I try hard to ignore that.
Hey after reading this I don't know why and how but this thought just came about why there was and is a part of me that wants to kill people or harm others maybe I wanted to kill her and harm tbh I wanted to kill her and harm her at times because I know I'll be called insane for such a thing but even after I did try she does exist so after such a long time I tried a different approach if she can't disappear maybe I should try to kill and harm myself because two people inside a body isn't it odd to other. "Why struggle just put an end to it?"- this line isn't mine I wrote unconsciously like my hand moved as a voice spoke but this is something I would never think of. Voices her and me and the real world which I don't even know if it's real sometimes dark intrusive thoughts.... Caught up in a whirlwind.
It's weird isn't it.
She's something a care about when my memories get complelety destroyed and I lost my sense of self then the only thing I do she seemed and hear her she's always the nicest thing sometimes I yearn for her so badly that I want her to be real person beside me. I don't date anyone cause they are nothing like her and if no-one is like her I can't bring myself to date and love and commit to anyone else too. So the things inside my head were already creating and molding my reality that I was projecting it on others in this world. Is it the reason why I'm scared of hurting others because I wanted to kill and harm her even though I care about her.)))))
Tbh I don't except any answers it's just broken pieces put together of a conversation with an AI. I don't even know why but it feels less lonely if I put it here.
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