Venting I don't know what to do

[Mr2005]

It's kind of similar to several other threads at the moment but I just felt the need to make my own. I feel like I've had enough. I don't enjoy anything, I can't sleep and if I was to die now I wouldn't miss a thing. Only problem is my girlfriend is going to be heartbroken and it breaks mine to think about it but there's nothing she can do. There's nothing anyone can do. I'm at the point I don't even know why I'm writing this at all. I want to thank SS for helping me obtain SN and that's about it. I want to hate myself for relying on parents to help me instead of doing it myself when it was so easy. So easy if you sent this device to my past self he could save himself but I can't. That's why it's so awful and why it keeps me awake. Not like I don't deserve to suffer but my girlfriend who I also don't deserve doesn't. The right thing to do is to stay alive for her but at this point that's a lot harder than dying

 

[Ghost2211]

I can't help you anymore than myself friend, but I can empathize with you. I guess it helps a bit to talk about what we can't change. Sending you lots of hugs and love.

 

[ecmnesia]

I do not know your background, but it doesn't matter how it was like, what you've done or didn't, under any circumstances you deserve to suffer. There is no such thing as deserving to be in pain, you deserve to be ok too, you are worthy of a great life. The universe, life... they are not out to get you, there is no such a thing although that's what people teach us.

I'm sorry for what you've been through and personally I do believe you are an insanely strong person, it's takes a lot of courage to stick around for the sake of someone we love. I hope you can find the path that most suits you.

 

[Lilacmoon]

I'm so sorry. That strength of yours is admirable and heart wrenching. Have a hug, even if it can't help at all :( <3

 

[Mr2005]

All I have are the facts and the facts are I didn't do anything to help myself for six whole years. It would help if I could understand the motives. If there's something that makes it all make sense because as it is I just feel truly ashamed. A further ten years have passed and I've never got over it. Done everything I could once there was nothing I could do. The definition of stupid or human nature? I was warned time and again by friends who got tired of waiting and moved on with their lives. Girlfriends all I've got left. It's true that had things gone differently we never would have met. I'd love to think that made up for it all but I don't. If it ends like this I feel bad she ever met me

 

[ecmnesia]

obviously I'm nowhere near an neutral point of view, but yes, I do believe it is within human nature to not seek for help.

we tend to believe that nothing is wrong with us, I mean it took me 11 years to reach out for a doctor, and even now that I'm diagnosed I doubt it, I question it. I used to believe these fucked up thoughts and emotions were just a part of my personality, and that I could just overcome them on my own.

It's completely natural and common to postpone recovering. In fact, I saw an article last month that claimed that it usually takes the majority of mentally ill patients around 10 years to seek help.

We cannot understand how other people's mind work, we cannot share their thoughts, we have now way to comprehend what is normal to them, and so we get used to the thoughts we are exposed to, we get used to our twisted behaviours and mentality.

it doesn't mean you are a shitty individual. that does not make you stupid. that makes you human.

it's easy for other to point a finger at you, blame you for not seeking counseling, for not moving on or whatever, but it's like they say, it's easier said than done. they haven't been in your shoes. they probably have not a single ideia of what it is like for you, only you can tell the struggles you've been through.

what has passed does not matter. the only thing that counts is that you are trying now. you are moving forward, at your own pace, motivated by your own desire and choice. it doesn't matter how long it took you, you are getting there, you are moving forward. recovering is not a straight line, not an easy ride.

also, if your girlfriend felt that way, I believe she would already be gone, which she didn't. do not try to presume her feelings, it's not fair on her I guess. if she is with you it's on her own free will.

 

[Mr2005]

I could go on but it only gets worse. There's really nothing positive to say about it other than I'm not that person anymore. I still did those things though and I have to live with that. I really don't want to I just want to forget it ever happened.

 

[ecmnesia]

really sorry for you buddy, I fear there is nothing I could say :(

 

[Mr2005]

Probably not no but I don't expect miracles which is what it would take now

 

[Mr2005]

However pathetic the most pathetic children I've spoken to online they're less pathetic than I was just because they are online. Those six years I spent in therapy when all I wanted was plastic surgery. Never did anything. Never even got an email address until I was 23 by which time I was researching time travel. I didn't care about plastic surgery anymore. How the fuck am I supposed to live with myself? How have I made it this far? It's absolutely unforgivable

 

[watsonsmith]

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. Whilst I don't think I can offer much consolation, I just wanted to say that a lot of your experience resembles my own.

I too had a time in my life when I could have had it all or at least enough not to arrive at this point in my life, which is similar to your own. I resent myself for having to rely on my family now, when just 5 years back I was building a great career, had a loving partner and everything was so stable. I had these grandiose ideas in my head though and having gone untreated for years, my body finally started to give me signs that something is horribly wrong (severe psychosomatic issues resembling thoracic outlet syndrome). It's been downhill since then and the amount of terrible things I've done and said to people just piled on as I wasn't able to control my pain. I took most of it out on myself, but I did cause people unnecessary suffering. I was just sabotaging every single good thing in my life.

How to live with yourself? How to make those things go away? How to free yourself of these memories? I really don't know. The only thing that comes to my mind is getting my life back on track and giving people as much unconditional love as I gave them pain in the past. Only I can't have my old life back it seems.

What struck me most in what you said is that things used to be so relatively easy. Now it all seems impossible to the point I am thinking of ending it all. I probably could live a more secluded life, with a less fancy career but I keep comparing it all to what could have been and I feel tremendous guilt and shame.

It's horrible when you see these cold facts. That you probably could've saved yourself but didn't. The thing people say that does make sense is that you indeed couldn't. The circumstances were what they were and that includes your mental state, you couldn't have done any better and so you should forgive yourself. And that's all great, but forgive myself for what? To live a life I can't enjoy anymore? That has no meaning? That I don't even have the energy to live?

The only thing I see that would help me out of this hole is getting a stable job I don't hate (but not necessarily enjoy) and getting back with my ex. But I am writing this from a psych ward pretty much feeling at the worst possible bottom (given what I could've had).