Help I don’t know what to do.

[stillbrthng]

Hey. I'll keep this brief.

I'm gay, stuck in a homophobic country. Each year, it's getting tougher to cope, and finding a decent guy for something real—beyond just hookups—feels impossible. It's honestly driving me up the wall.


I've thought about moving to a less hostile, affordable country and finding work there, but I can't bear the idea of leaving my parents behind. So, the only option I can see is ending it all. I know it sounds ridiculous, but at least my savings would go to my parents. It'd be some way to actually be useful to them.

Also, I can't fully come out because my dad likely wouldn't handle it. He's super sensitive and has a ton of health problems. I don't want to hurt him. But living this double life? I just can't do it anymore.

I'm truly at a loss. It feels like a rope and a tree are all that's left.

 

[Seneca65AD]

It has to be horrible to be stuck in a country where you cannot be yourself. Is if fair to say that staying where you are is not an option? You've indicated you can't come out to your dad - I won't get into that other than to say sometimes it is surprising how folks react. And moving to a less-hostile country does not work because you can't bear the thought of leaving your parents behind; and you obviously have a strong sense of family because you want to leave your parents money to assist them.

Would you reconsider moving to a more open and less expensive country on a temporary basis? You would have the freedom to be yourself - which should relieve the pressure of hiding who you are everyday; and with work in a less-expensive country, you may even be able to send your parents some money. So, you basically get to be the dutiful son sacrificing for your parents, and at the same time, being somewhat yourself in the new "temp" country.

I am not going to suggest coming out to your family, etc. Depending on the country, that type of action could get you ostracized or even much worse, but perhaps just being able to be yourself away from home would give you confidence and strength to be yourself everywhere. And if not, at least your parents have a son who is prepared to work away from home just to assist them in their retirement years - which is not a bad narrative.