Hi everyone,
I am not very good at introductions so I will just get into the venting. Also sorry if my English is not the best.
I am 30 years old and live in Germany. I have had depression since I was 15 years old. Obviously it was not too bad back then, but it got worse with time up until now where I have a "very severe depression". I took antidepressants with no positive effect. And when I was 27 I was admitted to a mental health clinic. At the time I had a bachelor degree in electrical engineering and was working as a software developer at a big firm. I did not have many social contacts and I never had a girlfriend and I was still living with my parents. I felt like I had accomplished nothing in my life. I could not work anymore so my psychiatrist send me to the mental health clinic.
In a way that was the best thing that ever happened to me, because I actually met someone who eventually became my girlfriend. We had almost arrived at the same time and spend 6 weeks together (I was there a total of 8 weeks) and we both fell in love with each other. So after we both were out and got together, the best time of my life began. I actually felt better. Obviously I still had my problems because depression does not just vanish like that. Also we had our ups and downs with the relationship but that is also normal. A little over a year ago we also moved together. And all was well.
Now I am someone who never did and still does not have any dreams or goals in his life. Which probably is a big part of why I am depressed. So all I did the last 2 years and 8 months (which we are together) was for her. She was basically the reason I even functioned. So her goals became mine. She wants to get a dog, marry and build a house in the next 2-3 years and then maybe even get children. I was unsure if I really wanted these things too, but I thought I would. So I tried to work towards it.
Well so far it does not sound too bad, right? Let's get to the present. I have switched my work place but am technically still doing the same job that I just can't properly do and which drags me down every moment of the day. I am just unable to work and it is starting to get a problem, because I can't deliver. My girlfriend had studied medicine before she went to the mental health clinic. After the clinic she stopped studying and instead started to work self-employed as a form of technician. In Germany as a "normal" employee you have to pay into health insurance and pension insurance (not sure if that is the correct English term). And half of what you have to pay is payed by your employer. However if you are self-employed you still have to pay health insurance but you have to pay 100% of it by yourself and you are also not forced to pay into pension insurance. It kind of becomes optional. So my girlfriend is very worried about her job not being very "secure". And she is also afraid not to have enough money when we become old or if she will be able to keep her job to pay for the planned house etc. So it basically becomes my responsibility to keep my job and provide the security and money for us. Not just the house. It would be a dog, a house, possibly children and eventually the money we need when we become to old to work. So I have an extreme pressure to function… But I just can't… I am breaking apart…
Now obviously I should be able to tell her this. However I have learned over time, that it is very difficult to have a discussion with my girlfriend. She gets insulted very fast and gets very defensive and never really tries to understand my point of view. Over time this made it very difficult to ever say anything that would be criticizing. Obviously I don't blame her for my inability to still talk about these things. But I just kept everything to myself and at some point it just became to much and I literally broke apart. So last Friday I finally talked to her. I told her that I don't feel ready to build a house or to marry and that all this responsibility is just getting too much for me to handle. This quickly became very ugly. At some point we stopped talking to each other and I slept on the couch. The next day she went to her mothers place and stayed there for the night.
Yesterday she came back in the afternoon and wanted to talk. So we talked and I told her all the things I had bottled up. Over the last 3 days we both cried a lot. Yesterday we became sad and then angry and all the emotions you could think of. And it was a constant back and forth if we would break up or not. She never wanted to and still does not ever want to break up with me, because she said she loves me and all the dreams she has she wants to live with me. So it was up to me to decide if we should break up. But my brain was in scrambles and I really did not know what I wanted. I was scared to break up because I did not know what I would do afterwards. I was also scared to break up, because maybe she could change and I would not feel like we don't fit together anymore. Maybe I would never be able to find anyone else like her? It was luck in the first place to meet her where I met here. So it just went back and forth until a point where she got a panic attack because of the back and forth. And I hate myself for what I did to her. She felt like all her dreams just crumbled to dust because of me. She had to go to Austria for 4 weeks for her job today and now with all this she just didn't feel like she could do it. So I took all my courage together and told her that I think we should break up and that is my final decision…
That is when she really broke down… She said she would kill herself now and I would have to bring her to the mental health clinic or she would find a way to kill herself. And if her mother found out that she was there again she would go crazy and she just said all the things you could imagine that made me feel even worse. And obviously I still loved a part of her and it killed me to see her like this. And I didn't know what to do and I asked her what can I do? And she cried and said, just tell me you love me and that you will be there for me and that we will stay together.
So I did… And I feel horrible. I feel like this is not what I really wanted but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't get her to the clinic and leave her like that. Now she is in Austria and I will call in sick this week to get there to help her do her job. And it just feels so wrong. And I just can't do this anymore. I am so done with life. I feel so lost, so helpless, so stressed, so angry and so sad and all at the same time. I am running on fumes. I don't know what to do… I am thinking about SN but I don't know how I can get any here in Germany. If anyone of you knows please tell me.
Thank you for reading. I know the text is all over the place and I forgot a lot of things already but I think it describes what happened well enough.
I am not very good at introductions so I will just get into the venting. Also sorry if my English is not the best.
I am 30 years old and live in Germany. I have had depression since I was 15 years old. Obviously it was not too bad back then, but it got worse with time up until now where I have a "very severe depression". I took antidepressants with no positive effect. And when I was 27 I was admitted to a mental health clinic. At the time I had a bachelor degree in electrical engineering and was working as a software developer at a big firm. I did not have many social contacts and I never had a girlfriend and I was still living with my parents. I felt like I had accomplished nothing in my life. I could not work anymore so my psychiatrist send me to the mental health clinic.
In a way that was the best thing that ever happened to me, because I actually met someone who eventually became my girlfriend. We had almost arrived at the same time and spend 6 weeks together (I was there a total of 8 weeks) and we both fell in love with each other. So after we both were out and got together, the best time of my life began. I actually felt better. Obviously I still had my problems because depression does not just vanish like that. Also we had our ups and downs with the relationship but that is also normal. A little over a year ago we also moved together. And all was well.
Now I am someone who never did and still does not have any dreams or goals in his life. Which probably is a big part of why I am depressed. So all I did the last 2 years and 8 months (which we are together) was for her. She was basically the reason I even functioned. So her goals became mine. She wants to get a dog, marry and build a house in the next 2-3 years and then maybe even get children. I was unsure if I really wanted these things too, but I thought I would. So I tried to work towards it.
Well so far it does not sound too bad, right? Let's get to the present. I have switched my work place but am technically still doing the same job that I just can't properly do and which drags me down every moment of the day. I am just unable to work and it is starting to get a problem, because I can't deliver. My girlfriend had studied medicine before she went to the mental health clinic. After the clinic she stopped studying and instead started to work self-employed as a form of technician. In Germany as a "normal" employee you have to pay into health insurance and pension insurance (not sure if that is the correct English term). And half of what you have to pay is payed by your employer. However if you are self-employed you still have to pay health insurance but you have to pay 100% of it by yourself and you are also not forced to pay into pension insurance. It kind of becomes optional. So my girlfriend is very worried about her job not being very "secure". And she is also afraid not to have enough money when we become old or if she will be able to keep her job to pay for the planned house etc. So it basically becomes my responsibility to keep my job and provide the security and money for us. Not just the house. It would be a dog, a house, possibly children and eventually the money we need when we become to old to work. So I have an extreme pressure to function… But I just can't… I am breaking apart…
Now obviously I should be able to tell her this. However I have learned over time, that it is very difficult to have a discussion with my girlfriend. She gets insulted very fast and gets very defensive and never really tries to understand my point of view. Over time this made it very difficult to ever say anything that would be criticizing. Obviously I don't blame her for my inability to still talk about these things. But I just kept everything to myself and at some point it just became to much and I literally broke apart. So last Friday I finally talked to her. I told her that I don't feel ready to build a house or to marry and that all this responsibility is just getting too much for me to handle. This quickly became very ugly. At some point we stopped talking to each other and I slept on the couch. The next day she went to her mothers place and stayed there for the night.
Yesterday she came back in the afternoon and wanted to talk. So we talked and I told her all the things I had bottled up. Over the last 3 days we both cried a lot. Yesterday we became sad and then angry and all the emotions you could think of. And it was a constant back and forth if we would break up or not. She never wanted to and still does not ever want to break up with me, because she said she loves me and all the dreams she has she wants to live with me. So it was up to me to decide if we should break up. But my brain was in scrambles and I really did not know what I wanted. I was scared to break up because I did not know what I would do afterwards. I was also scared to break up, because maybe she could change and I would not feel like we don't fit together anymore. Maybe I would never be able to find anyone else like her? It was luck in the first place to meet her where I met here. So it just went back and forth until a point where she got a panic attack because of the back and forth. And I hate myself for what I did to her. She felt like all her dreams just crumbled to dust because of me. She had to go to Austria for 4 weeks for her job today and now with all this she just didn't feel like she could do it. So I took all my courage together and told her that I think we should break up and that is my final decision…
That is when she really broke down… She said she would kill herself now and I would have to bring her to the mental health clinic or she would find a way to kill herself. And if her mother found out that she was there again she would go crazy and she just said all the things you could imagine that made me feel even worse. And obviously I still loved a part of her and it killed me to see her like this. And I didn't know what to do and I asked her what can I do? And she cried and said, just tell me you love me and that you will be there for me and that we will stay together.
So I did… And I feel horrible. I feel like this is not what I really wanted but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't get her to the clinic and leave her like that. Now she is in Austria and I will call in sick this week to get there to help her do her job. And it just feels so wrong. And I just can't do this anymore. I am so done with life. I feel so lost, so helpless, so stressed, so angry and so sad and all at the same time. I am running on fumes. I don't know what to do… I am thinking about SN but I don't know how I can get any here in Germany. If anyone of you knows please tell me.
Thank you for reading. I know the text is all over the place and I forgot a lot of things already but I think it describes what happened well enough.
