Venting I don’t know what to do

[Ryemi]

I've been thinking about suicide a lot for the past 4 years and I just tried you know, tried talking about it with my sister and she just says that she's more worried for people that don't speak about suicide since "they're suffering more", that they're more capable of committing suicide and that cutting yourself it's for attention, but I've been through a lot of psychologists and psychiatrists in less than a year trying get me better because of that, my suicidal thinking and depression. I've been taking the meds they give me, but it just makes me feel more like shit. I don't want to tell my mother about my suicidal thinking because of my current state which it's already hurting her, imagine telling her "oh you're daughter it's thinking about ctb in less than a month", that would made her feel worse and I sincerely don't want that for her. I just don't know what to do, I have this pain in my chest like something is missing, it hurts a lot and my thoughts are driving me insane. I don't want to do this to my mother, I love her so fucking much, but man, it's hurting me like hell and I don't wanna live with it all my life because I just can't seem to escape from it. Everyday is thinking about that and only that, hurting myself to feel better, but doesn't last long. I just hate myself, hate the way I look, hate the way think, hate way I act, hate everything. I feel like… I want to give up, but at the same time.. try to find my purpose to live. I just don't know what to do.

 

[warriorofeld]

Being bipolar I can relate to this,meds don't work and neither do the psychiatrists. I can't talk to anyone around me either bc I don't want them to know I'm gonna ctb possibly commit me to mental services etc. Sucks being stuck between and not knowing what to do..

 

[calssilva]

There is not an easy answer for you, as well as for everybody here...but I live in similar situation, I can't tell my mother what's happening with me, however I don't care to ctb and left her in panic...I am suffering all the pain, the loneliness and the rejection, so I can't continue living this way just because somebody else would suffer with my death

 

[Ryemi]

Being bipolar I can relate to this,meds don't work and neither do the psychiatrists. I can't talk to anyone around me either bc I don't want them to know I'm gonna ctb possibly commit me to mental services etc. Sucks being stuck between and not knowing what to do..

It really does man, and hurts too. I don't know why

There is not an easy answer for you, as well as for everybody here...but I live in similar situation, I can't tell my mother what's happening with me, however I don't care to ctb and left her in panic...I am suffering all the pain, the loneliness and the rejection, so I can't continue living this way just because somebody else would suffer with my death

I can relate, but I'm not sure about to do it or not. I feel like I'm living because of a reason, but since I don't see my reason to live I want to ctb

 

[starlover]

Wish I had an easy answer for you or some kind of solace.

Feeling like you're trapped here by loved ones is its own hell. I fully understand.

Only thing I can think is that, if we're gonna be here for a little while, might as well enjoy what we can, if we can. Right now I'm playing MTG and waiting for my edibles to kick in. I hope you have some small comfort for yourself.

 

[Ryemi]

Wish I had an easy answer for you or some kind of solace.

Feeling like you're trapped here by loved ones is its own hell. I fully understand.

Only thing I can think is that, if we're gonna be here for a little while, might as well enjoy what we can, if we can. Right now I'm playing MTG and waiting for my edibles to kick in. I hope you have some small comfort for yourself.

I actually will buy edibles one of these days to try if I can be happy for once, to feel something idk man

 

[starlover]

I actually will buy edibles one of these days to try if I can be happy for once, to feel something idk man

Might as well give it a shot. Put on some good music or something funny; trust me don't just sit in the dark and get high. Weed anxiety isn't fun. Don't take too much on your first go.

Sorry for parenting you lol.

At this point I'm not sure the weed is making me feel good, but it's something to do. A little piece of agency in this pretty cage I live in.

But I do take weed a lot, so I'm probs just used to it lol.

 

[Ryemi]

Might as well give it a shot. Put on some good music or something funny; trust me don't just sit in the dark and get high. Weed anxiety isn't fun. Don't take too much on your first go.

Sorry for parenting you lol.

At this point I'm not sure the weed is making me feel good, but it's something to do. A little piece of agency in this pretty cage I live in.

But I do take weed a lot, so I'm probs just used to it lol.

It's okay haha, I appreciate it cause it'll be my first time

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really painful being trapped in that situation, the reality is that life is just so unnecessarily cruel. But anyway I wish you the best, there certainly is too much suffering in existing.