Help I don’t know what to do somebody help me please

[letmeseethedeath]

I hope not to be out of place and to receive hope and good news from you all at least some of you know more than me. I am only a 23 year old boy with a gender dysphoria that hides his true gender (woman, unfortunately) that does not go by no means agree with his abusive parents. You can already imagine that one of the causes is this. The others are that they arguing with each other and they beat each other coming to touch knives and more since I was 3 years old. From the age of 4 I started hiding knives and put myself between them when things got worse. I remember many times my drunken father got in the car with me and mom and started to go fast, he didn't look at the street at all but her. consequently he skidded and my eyes, too small, didn't understand what I would have expected later. I live with two abusive parents, who make me suffer from malnutrition so much that I have to take thyroid tablets and I should take vitamin D and iron that my parents don't want to buy. they Both work, my mother gets 1500 euros a month. But neither of them buys some foods or something for the house, when they remember they buy me snacks (stupid chocolate that's all). And my stomach is starving, my body is getting weaker. I was diagnosed with a kidney's cancer on the left and they don't fucking care i'm in fucking pain and i need cures. I need to check up in hospital and blood tests. I opened a gofundme to fucking go away before i hang myself. I really hate my parents. They destroyed and still destroying my life. If somebody wants to look at my last check up (more than 1 year ago here is the link: https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-me-giving-me-a-new-future-fighting-cancer but here you can only read my schedule because i don't have a bank account so people should donate me money on paypal.
I wanted to hide my story, but I can't take it anymore. Thanks to them I have a strong depression with DOC and I don't live well at all. believe that nothing is invented. Every night is a nightmare because my mom wants to sleep with me and she does it. she fucking snores and tell me i'm a garbage, that i have no meaning and i'm her biggest mistake. i didn't sleep for like 3 days i'm getting crazy guys help me. I won't deny that I'd like to end my stupid life, but scrolling through the internet I thought I can talk to y'all the only family I have. I'm sorry if it won't be read by some of you, but at least I've let off steam. I looked for work everywhere, but nobody wanted me. I'm not of good presence. Hirsutism, acne and binder. They're as tight as my life. I thought about ending it even before writing here. But now I want to be positive for a while. I searched the internet for homes for children in difficulty but there seems to be nothing and the fear that I may receive violence (physical and sexual), the second happened in 2016 and I can't forget it, it destroys me. I live in a small town and here there is nothing. No hope to get out of this depressive environment. I just want a place to start over so I can heal and survive. I really thank you if you read.

 

[pole]

i'm really sorry about what you've gone through. Dysmorphia is a bitch, and i struggle with body dysmorphia and its ruined me and im only 19.

i definitely think the only way in you being subject to ANY TYPE of change, is by getting out of the very same environment that's feeding you this negative energy. you must move away, a change of environment and start fresh somewhere. though money is an issue which sucks. i wish i had the opportunity to give you a chance to relocate and move away and/or some sort of money, trust me i do.

Is there any type of government assistance programs or something that can help you in moving away? Or relocating and just idk, you need to get out of that household, im sorry. Its extremely negative and you dont deserve any of what youv gone through and to be triggered everday by the negatives.

i hope you find a way in moving out and starting fresh and finding peace in life.

 

[letmeseethedeath]

Thank you so much for the support i really appreciate it it makes me tear so easily. i'm so broken. yeah i forgot to say i really hate my body and i have dysmorphia mainly because i hate my really small hands and my height. that's hard. i'm doing my best but nothing good is coming, as always. I think my only solution is to ctb. I don't have money and I have so many health problems now because of them. Malnutrition fucked me up

 

[pole]

trust me i can relate a ton. its a bitch, and its destroyed my life.

i understand if you feel that CTB may be you're only solution. i just hope you try every route possible in getting you out of that hell-hole before calling it quits :/. there has to be something, im hoping there is. and i truly hope you find it, and that somehow life treats you in having things go you're way for once this time. hope you find a solution.

 

[Circles]

I hope not to be out of place and to receive hope and good news from you all at least some of you know more than me. I am only a 23 year old boy with a gender dysphoria that hides his true gender (woman, unfortunately) that does not go by no means agree with his abusive parents. You can already imagine that one of the causes is this. The others are that they arguing with each other and they beat each other coming to touch knives and more since I was 3 years old. From the age of 4 I started hiding knives and put myself between them when things got worse. I remember many times my drunken father got in the car with me and mom and started to go fast, he didn't look at the street at all but her. consequently he skidded and my eyes, too small, didn't understand what I would have expected later. I live with two abusive parents, who make me suffer from malnutrition so much that I have to take thyroid tablets and I should take vitamin D and iron that my parents don't want to buy. they Both work, my mother gets 1500 euros a month. But neither of them buys some foods or something for the house, when they remember they buy me snacks (stupid chocolate that's all). And my stomach is starving, my body is getting weaker. I was diagnosed with a kidney's cancer on the left and they don't fucking care i'm in fucking pain and i need cures. I need to check up in hospital and blood tests. I opened a gofundme to fucking go away before i hang myself. I really hate my parents. They destroyed and still destroying my life. If somebody wants to look at my last check up (more than 1 year ago here is the link: https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-me-giving-me-a-new-future-fighting-cancer but here you can only read my schedule because i don't have a bank account so people should donate me money on paypal.
I wanted to hide my story, but I can't take it anymore. Thanks to them I have a strong depression with DOC and I don't live well at all. believe that nothing is invented. Every night is a nightmare because my mom wants to sleep with me and she does it. she fucking snores and tell me i'm a garbage, that i have no meaning and i'm her biggest mistake. i didn't sleep for like 3 days i'm getting crazy guys help me. I won't deny that I'd like to end my stupid life, but scrolling through the internet I thought I can talk to y'all the only family I have. I'm sorry if it won't be read by some of you, but at least I've let off steam. I looked for work everywhere, but nobody wanted me. I'm not of good presence. Hirsutism, acne and binder. They're as tight as my life. I thought about ending it even before writing here. But now I want to be positive for a while. I searched the internet for homes for children in difficulty but there seems to be nothing and the fear that I may receive violence (physical and sexual), the second happened in 2016 and I can't forget it, it destroys me. I live in a small town and here there is nothing. No hope to get out of this depressive environment. I just want a place to start over so I can heal and survive. I really thank you if you read.

Damn I hate that anyone has to go through this shit. Just sorry you have to endure this. I wish I had answers or even the capability to help you. I heard and listened to you, but as always I'm useless. Nothing of what I say will help but you're a strong person for even trying regardless of what happens.

 

[Conker]

You should go see Earth Maiden Arjuna, or listen to the soundtrack (I can provide a Mega/GDrive link with the album in FLAC) as it's very therapeutic IMO.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

OMG!! Do you have access to any state-funded social services where you are?

 

[UninformedLover]

Reading your post broke my heart. I can empathize with you well. I'm so sorry to hear you are suffering such misfortune. You do not deserve this. As mentioned upthread your best bet is to leave your environment in order to heal. You can't get better in the same place that is destroying you.

Try looking up organizations or goverment funded programs that help the homeless or that help people suffering from abuse. Is it possible you can stay with a family member or friend? I wish you well Op.

 

[Sweet emotion]

Well your story just breaks my heart. What really creeped me out about it is that your mother sleeps with you and you're a 23 year old man. How do they keep the food away from you? Are you able to work? By 23 everyone should have a job even if they're living home to be able to afford the things they need that their parents can't provide. Have you ever called the police? I'm trying to think of a solution for you but you're 23 so it's not like CPS can come in and see you're living in an awful environment and take you away to some place better. All I can do is hope that something, anything happens that will improve your situation. It sounds like your parents are treating you like a caged animal and I don't like that. Please don't ever think you're worthless because you aren't. That has been engrained into your brain by your parents and I know if something is said enough you can start to believe it but I promise you that you're not worthless. I want you to remind yourself of that every day and do everything you can to get out of that place. I pray you find so kind of peace.

 

[Mloureiro]

I am out of words. Being a parent myself I can't imagine doing that to a kid, but my parents sucked too so, yes, it is not easy but you are strong and will be able to turn things around. You are in Europe, there must be an organization who can help. And remember, beauty is on the inside and you are beautiful. And worthy

 

[takeyourshotfunboy]

Will you still CTB if you get the money you need for your GoFundMe?
Edit: You live in Italy, right? This might help you

 

[letmeseethedeath]

Hi guys ❤ first of all thanks to everybody who just stopped here having kinds thoughts for me and suggesting good advices. unfortunately i sent my curriculum in every place in my country. I live in Italy. People here want only people with a good presence which it's not my case. Hirsutism, acne and my way to wear, my binder ect.
I spent 4 fucking nights texting every organisation or shelter or something else. They said : " we don't provide this thing but if you want to vent you can just talk". Let me be honest, I don't need to vent. I need to save myself before it's to late. I can't call the police another time because my dad is not a good person. He treatened me. He doesn't care of kill me because he staid in jail so many times and even the police here is afraid of him. I just saw something on facebook, i love animals, but people only donate for dogs and animal not when somebody really needs help. So i guess the only way i have is to ctb.
I even texted to an italian actor who seemed having the power to help me. he answered me and than he just disappeared. I guess I annoyed him asking for a lil help. I don't get this contradiction. People seem to be contrary to help others but then they feel sorry when they kill theirself. I told him i'm about to ctb, He ignored all I said. I guess thank you Italy, you're the worst country

 

[letmeseethedeath]

i'm gonna kill my self anyway. i just need a lot of strength but i can do it. at least i know i can't come back
i just thought that would be great go away from this hell house. get a job, take a time for me and then kill my self when i'm ready without having my parents around because they are really dangerous

 

[letmeseethedeath]

only for me is difficult?