Venting I don’t know what to do please help

[hipsnake]

Hi, I've posted two things about my situation. One about guilt and another about wanting to push my friends away, and I'm back again. You see it's not that I want to die, but that I don't want to live, as it's undesirable to me to live in such a world. I planned to kill myself after the summer ends, so that I can at least have some time to be happy and spend time with family before I go.
This never caused any issues with me hesitating, as I'm very set on my decision. But, my plan to enjoy my final days isn't working at all. I'm really trying to be happy while I can but I just feel more miserable. Why is it that I'm not happy but just counting the days down? I'm not in a rush to die. If I can't even enjoy these final days I have left, then I'm planning on killing myself sooner so I don't have to continue feeling so miserable. I really don't want to so I can spend time with family, but this seems to be what's going to happen if this continues.
Does anyone have any knowledge on why I could be feeling this way or advice?

 

[The anhedonic one]

Hi, I've posted two things about my situation. One about guilt and another about wanting to push my friends away, and I'm back again. You see it's not that I want to die, but that I don't want to live, as it's undesirable to me to live in such a world. I planned to kill myself after the summer ends, so that I can at least have some time to be happy and spend time with family before I go.
This never caused any issues with me hesitating, as I'm very set on my decision. But, my plan to enjoy my final days isn't working at all. I'm really trying to be happy while I can but I just feel more miserable. Why is it that I'm not happy but just counting the days down? I'm not in a rush to die. If I can't even enjoy these final days I have left, then I'm planning on killing myself sooner so I don't have to continue feeling so miserable. I really don't want to so I can spend time with family, but this seems to be what's going to happen if this continues.
Does anyone have any knowledge on why I could be feeling this way or advice?

Pushing friends and family away when suffering from mental illnesses and suicidal thoughts is perfectly normal, so please don't feel guilty about it.
Yet of course it's only natural to feel saddened by this.

I'm definitely CTB at the beginning Autumn, when I will have enough money to go to Mexico for N.
Yet I am definitely not enjoying my last days.
I am suffering from Anhedonia and existential crisis, so enjoying anything is virtually impossible.
Do you suffer from these things too ?

I also don't really want to die, but I have to because it is impossible for my situation to improve.
Only suffering upon suffering lies ahead.
So sorry you are going through this.

 

[hipsnake]

Pushing friends and family away when suffering from mental illnesses and suicidal thoughts is perfectly normal, so please don't feel guilty about it.
Yet of course it's only natural to feel saddened by this.

I'm definitely CTB at the beginning Autumn, when I will have enough money to go to Mexico for N.
Yet I am definitely not enjoying my last days.
I am suffering from Anhedonia and existential crisis, so enjoying anything is virtually impossible.
Do you suffer from these things too ?

I also don't really want to die, but I have to because it is impossible for my situation to improve.
Only suffering upon suffering lies ahead.
So sorry you are going through this.

I have very bad physical and mental health. It's difficult for me to move sometimes without being in pain. A lot of my issues are genetic so I feel like I was set up for this..

 

[The anhedonic one]

I have very bad physical and mental health. It's difficult for me to move sometimes without being in pain. A lot of my issues are genetic so I feel like I was set up for this..

Yes, I feel you on this.
I was diagnosed with clinical
depression aged 7.
Mental illness runs in my family.
It has ruined my life.

 

[Elysion]

Suffering and sadness or happiness and peace, both are among human emotions, both of these will never exist together, except for one of them. Only those suffering from hypomanic depression can be happy and sad at the same time. You can get help from medicine and doctor to be happy or improve your relationship with family and find new friends. The only way to get the feeling of happiness and peace is to get rid of the feeling of sadness and suffering. You cannot fight for happiness when your intention is suicide. Only those who think of suicide as a sacrifice for something can feel happiness from the last days of their life.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me it makes a lot of sense feeling so miserable as existing here undeniably is dreadful, there really is no real relief from suffering as long as one is trapped here. It does sound awful and tiring what you go through, it's such a horrible world we exist in where people suffer all through no fault of their own. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.

 

[The anhedonic one]

To me it makes a lot of sense feeling so miserable as existing here undeniably is dreadful, there really is no real relief from suffering as long as one is trapped here. It does sound awful and tiring what you go through, it's such a horrible world we exist in where people suffer all through no fault of their own. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.

Yes, Happiness is an illusion for the deluded.