Help I don't know what to do or how to get better I need advice / doctor advice

[rih]

I've been on a downward spiral for quite awhile and I feel like i'm accelerating, I rebooked a doctor's appointment to get prescribed different meds; Over the last 2 days i've been shaking/dry heaving/unable to eat or take full breaths, i do this thing for comfort where I scratch and pick my skin off my hand and it looks like a mess, i stopped SH'ing but i'm back to it I didn't do it the way I like i did it quick something to try feel less like I am, i can't cry I can't scream I feel isolated to everything to the point I want to not exist this pressure inside me makes it feel like i'm imploding, i haven't slept i haven't eaten i can't i woke up bleeding from a cut the other day i'm scared if i tell the doctor just how i'm feeling i might escalate things i feel like my friends are drifting away i want to say goodbye to them already i'm sick of smiling and masking i'm sick of having to overthink each and every social interaction i feel like i'm grinding my teeth to dust i feel helpless to this sensation so much lately

when it came to talking to the doctor i always was calm but i can't calm down which is scaring me i feel like im going to blurt out everything. I plan/want to hang myself im scared if i tell him how close i am if i last to the appointment action will be taking im scared i wont feel better even on a medication switch; i want benzo's i want something to escape this feeling even for a brief respite. I really really tried im so tired; ive typed and deleted this so many times i want to send it to my friends so i can take my own life without anymore ties. i promised id wait til monday im scared ive never been this full of anxiety i want to end it so bad. I feel if i express just how bad i am, i'll be commited but if i don't i'll kill myself. I just need something for an edge i cant drink anymore i will kill myself if i do.

i'm so so so sick of everything i cant continue like this i know i cant nothing helps i just need a way to calm down, if i sh more i know ill go deeper i cant stop shaking either im scared of my previous cuts i dont know if i can rely on it, i just need some advice how do i feel less? how do i go back to being able to smile and relax and pretend again i just need it til monday i need to be normal for tomorrow too does anybody have anything to help? please

i'm sorry i feel manic and helpless. ive tried sounds(rain/colour noises) i like ive tried fresh air ive tried exercise ive tried breathing techniques ive tried pressure over my body ive tried talking to a close friend it feels like im overflowing into this endless residual anxiety attack i cant take a full breath i just want it to stop im so exhausted.

 

[hang in there]

Hey, I am sorry you are in such a rough spot.
Why are you afraid of going to a psych ward? That is really the only place that can help keep you safe and stabilize you when you are careening faster than you can manage. With anxiety that bad they will absolutely prescribe you something to help, and if it doesn't work then they will try again until something sticks. With medical monitoring they can stop side effects the instant they start to bug you. It's not like the movies. It's just part of a hospital, with beds, and blankets, and snacks, and TV, and people who talk to you and try to help you solve your life problems before you get thrown back into them.
I didn't even want any meds but they still prescribed me benzos because my anxiety was that bad. Yours is too and they are there to help. I hope you don't do anything rash. I think your problems can be fixed. I hope you feel brave enough to reach out for help before it is too late.

 

[rih]

Hey, I am sorry you are in such a rough spot.
Why are you afraid of going to a psych ward? That is really the only place that can help keep you safe and stabilize you when you are careening faster than you can manage. With anxiety that bad they will absolutely prescribe you something to help, and if it doesn't work then they will try again until something sticks. With medical monitoring they can stop side effects the instant they start to bug you. It's not like the movies. It's just part of a hospital, with beds, and blankets, and snacks, and TV, and people who talk to you and try to help you solve your life problems before you get thrown back into them.
I didn't even want any meds but they still prescribed me benzos because my anxiety was that bad. Yours is too and they are there to help. I hope you don't do anything rash. I think your problems can be fixed. I hope you feel brave enough to reach out for help before it is too late.

I don't think a psych ward will do anything but prevent me from wanting to kill myself; i don't have high hopes for being able to calm down and i think it would just like; amplify everything;

I appreciate the kind words; thank you

don't feel that anything will really help anymore if the meds don't do anything like the previous times.