nzdarkshark
The Loved Mistake
- Sep 4, 2018
- 400
It's been a tough few years.
My mum has depression, even since I was born. My parent's tell me that's not my fault but sometimes I feel like it is. If I didn't cause it, I escilated it.
Let me start off with a small introduction of sorts. This is my first post so..
My name, on this site, is nzdarkshark. I'm 17 years old and live in tiny little New Zealand.
My life isn't full of abuse or bullying - which may bring you to wonder why I'm here.
I'm here because I'm suicidal - but I'm also unsure.
See, I've been dealing with sad feelings since I was 13. I always thought at that age that it wasn't anything to worry about. At this time I also struggled with species dysphoria (or something) - wishing I could be a wolf and escape the feels I felt in my heart. I lived my life to the beat of music - 'emo' music if you would call it that. For a few years I felt my life beginning to feel normal again - going through the notions of growing up, going on family holidays etc. Then around two years ago; I literally awoke one morning and wanted to die. I know how impossible that sounds, how unrealistic, but it seriously felt that way. One day I woke up and wanted to put a gun to my head. It was late 2016 (I believe) and nearing the beginning of 2017 I told my parents that I was feeling suicidal.
We went to therapy - and after talking to someone, their team discussed my options. They didn't feel like I was bad enough to be classed under the mental health act - so they suggested a councilor. I went and saw this councilor for a few months, and she quickly realized that I was too extreme for her expertise - and passed me back to the original group. The original group still didn't feel I ticked all their boxes, so I was passed to someone else. When that didn't work out we saw the original group again - and they still denied that I was fit for them.
It's months later - a month ago or so and I flipped out at school - wanting it to be over I stole a craft knife from the art room and tried to cut the arteries in my wrists. I didn't know this was very unsuccessful by the way and I ended up panicking and going to the school councilor. She got my mum to pick me up and the Guidance councilor contacted the original people and they STILL said I didn't fit the criteria. So I'm currently seeing a councilor, a different one again, and am seeing the school councilor at least once a week. But I don't feel it working. She told me I have to stop listening to my music - a genre I've listened to since (like I said) I was 13. This music's both torn me apart and put me back together. Pushed me to ctb, and pulled me from it. I can't just abandon it- it's a part of me.
Also,I have a loving girlfriend - but she lives in the states. I know she's legit - and we've talked about a possible future together.
However her parents...no her whole family....is homophobic. Me and my girlfriend aren't even suppose to be talking online...but we are rebellious and do it anyway.
She's depressed too. We're depressed together. We're suicidal together. But we both want to live for each other. But living is so hard.
She wants me to live. I want to live for her...but I also want to die.
If she dies I die. If I dies she does.
I don't know.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I've tried to ctb before - but nothing too too serious to put me into hospital or anything. The police has never been called - but I did nearly have a hotline call the cops.
I'm so confused. Part of me wants to live, part of me wants to die.
I hope people on here wont hate me for not having a total decision in place.
I don't know what I'm looking for here, I don't know if people will care.
I guess I'm just venting.
My mum has depression, even since I was born. My parent's tell me that's not my fault but sometimes I feel like it is. If I didn't cause it, I escilated it.
Let me start off with a small introduction of sorts. This is my first post so..
My name, on this site, is nzdarkshark. I'm 17 years old and live in tiny little New Zealand.
My life isn't full of abuse or bullying - which may bring you to wonder why I'm here.
I'm here because I'm suicidal - but I'm also unsure.
See, I've been dealing with sad feelings since I was 13. I always thought at that age that it wasn't anything to worry about. At this time I also struggled with species dysphoria (or something) - wishing I could be a wolf and escape the feels I felt in my heart. I lived my life to the beat of music - 'emo' music if you would call it that. For a few years I felt my life beginning to feel normal again - going through the notions of growing up, going on family holidays etc. Then around two years ago; I literally awoke one morning and wanted to die. I know how impossible that sounds, how unrealistic, but it seriously felt that way. One day I woke up and wanted to put a gun to my head. It was late 2016 (I believe) and nearing the beginning of 2017 I told my parents that I was feeling suicidal.
We went to therapy - and after talking to someone, their team discussed my options. They didn't feel like I was bad enough to be classed under the mental health act - so they suggested a councilor. I went and saw this councilor for a few months, and she quickly realized that I was too extreme for her expertise - and passed me back to the original group. The original group still didn't feel I ticked all their boxes, so I was passed to someone else. When that didn't work out we saw the original group again - and they still denied that I was fit for them.
It's months later - a month ago or so and I flipped out at school - wanting it to be over I stole a craft knife from the art room and tried to cut the arteries in my wrists. I didn't know this was very unsuccessful by the way and I ended up panicking and going to the school councilor. She got my mum to pick me up and the Guidance councilor contacted the original people and they STILL said I didn't fit the criteria. So I'm currently seeing a councilor, a different one again, and am seeing the school councilor at least once a week. But I don't feel it working. She told me I have to stop listening to my music - a genre I've listened to since (like I said) I was 13. This music's both torn me apart and put me back together. Pushed me to ctb, and pulled me from it. I can't just abandon it- it's a part of me.
Also,I have a loving girlfriend - but she lives in the states. I know she's legit - and we've talked about a possible future together.
However her parents...no her whole family....is homophobic. Me and my girlfriend aren't even suppose to be talking online...but we are rebellious and do it anyway.
She's depressed too. We're depressed together. We're suicidal together. But we both want to live for each other. But living is so hard.
She wants me to live. I want to live for her...but I also want to die.
If she dies I die. If I dies she does.
I don't know.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I've tried to ctb before - but nothing too too serious to put me into hospital or anything. The police has never been called - but I did nearly have a hotline call the cops.
I'm so confused. Part of me wants to live, part of me wants to die.
I hope people on here wont hate me for not having a total decision in place.
I don't know what I'm looking for here, I don't know if people will care.
I guess I'm just venting.
