Venting I .. don't know what to do anymore.

[Worsethangarbage]

I am just stuck here unable to even say how i feel...yet I don't want to be alone.
Sorry

 

[JustAboutDone]

I am just stuck here unable to even say how i feel...yet I don't want to be alone.
Sorry

Hey, for what it's worth you're not alone. I'm here sending you warm wishes.

I read your thread earlier and I'm sorry things didn't work out how you planned - even more than that, I'm sorry you find yourself in this boat to start with. But if it helps at all, it's a fairly big, tatty old leaky boat and there are lots of us in it. Xx

 

[ReadyasEver]

You don't have to say how you feel if you do not want to, we all understand in some way or another. No reason to be sorry, take a deep breathe and try to collect your thoughts.

 

[Worsethangarbage]

Somehere in my brain, I don't want to die but i know I will have to suffer for pretty much a few years before I ever get the chance to be better but by then, I don't think I would be mentally able to hold out. I am afraid because of choosing really risky way to die (power cable to partially hang) and being out of other choices. It's just too much to take in. I live with my family so it's another fucking trainweck risky to be found hanged and then...I dunno. I am just too afraid of failing to die and ending up vegetable but it's too unbearable to wait a bit more to get a better method. I can't sleep, eat or do anything and voices just keep making me go insane. I can't even face people and hide in the washroom for more than 7+ hours a day whenever I hear someone has come in the house or they are being noisy .It's just...I don't fucking know. It's all because of years of abuse and now I am becoming the very mental nutjob my parents are. I am afraid of becoming the abuser myself and be a fucking man child...or whatever you call them...

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

Express your suicidal thoughts here where it's safe but maybe you could try to find a different forum, surrounding another interest of yours, and join that community.

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

Since you don't feel safe communicating in person try communicating online.

 

[Worsethangarbage]

Since you don't feel safe communicating in person try communicating online.

For how long...like been 9-10 years so far. It's driving me crazy now. Can't hold out. You can't just not go to school or outside. I have really bad trust issues too...

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

Okay. Can you try to talk to people who come to your house and make a start of being social that way?

 

[Worsethangarbage]

Okay. Can you try to talk to people who come to your house and make a start of being social that way?

Sorry...I might sound rude but I don't need help....sorry...

 

[Worsethangarbage]

If things were as easy as just talking to people, I would have done that instead of researching suicide methods and their risks for hours.

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

Okay. I can't help you. I'll stop trying to.

 

[Worsethangarbage]

I also have a weird mental barrier that stop me from getting too emotional. I think I just snaped into it again. It makes me feel near to nothing and just numb me. I guess, that's how I survived through so many years. Being able to detach yourself.

 

[Worsethangarbage]

Okay. I can't help you. I'll stop trying to.

Honestly, it's not your fault. I myself think I am worthless pile of shit that can't be helped. When I become numb, I just overall become rational and suicide seems like an irrational thing at least with the method I have available here (highly risky and not peaceful at all). That just makes it much more harder to proceed with anything.

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

Live or try to die and yo'rer stuck between those choices.

 

[Worsethangarbage]

I sort of am. Like when I am numb, it becomes much harder to die with something like partial hanging using a power cord in a house with other people. But when I am a bit emotional (sudden outburst), it's just seem like the only way to get out of there. To self harm and to feel something.

 

[Worsethangarbage]

Self diagnosing and finding reason behind your actions is also a pretty destructive behaviour. I just can't help it sometimes and be overflown with pointless thoughts.

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

If you could numb yourself by changing how you look at your situation you might find a way to live and not need to ctb.

 

[Worsethangarbage]

Well, the problem with that is numbness isn't really a good thing. People are sensitive and therefore, they will feel that something is off about you. Because of that, I have to try extra hard to appear normal and happy in a sense. Just like how people stop interacting with you if you always give them sadistic looks. It's a constant energy sucking thing to change your facial expressions according to your environment and constantly process information and guess how you should appear since you don't suddenly become sad or appear as such when situation calls for it.

 

[Worsethangarbage]

People take emotions and empathy for granted. They just don't notice how good it is for them to just react naturally to things when you struggle so hard to recreate the same feat. Also, nope I can't see a psych or theraphy because family thinks it's bullshit and it's expensive excluding the lack of any good mental healthcare anywhere near.

 

[Worsethangarbage]

People with depression don't isolate themselves but the people around them make them choose isolation.

 

[Worsethangarbage]

Like just ask yourself, do you want to be around someone who is lazy, tiring, negative and brings you down whenever you talk to them?
Nope. Everyone wants to feel good. A normal human being would be tempted to label such thing off as the person being rude, toxic and a lazy bumb. It happens everywhere and you can see it online too when you go to twitter. X blames Y, Y blames Z, Z blames A etc. The cycle continues. They all want to avoid feeling guilty. Some might take up their shit but most of them would prefer not to.

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

Okay chose a different word than numb. You might accept this difference in yourself and that people will react to it. Then you can pay attention without worrying about how they will react to you. But listen to them.

 

[Worsethangarbage]

Okay chose a different word than numb. You might accept this difference in yourself and that people will react to it. Then you can pay attention without worrying about how they will react to you. But listen to them.

I don't really know what you meant by this. Do you mean I should live forever being unhappy ?
Well, not forever but for a few more years or so I hope since I am assuming I can get better by leaving the environment I am currently in and getting proper professional help. I am basically doing a gamble here tbh.

 

[Nephis]

You could simply just embrace the numbness it's what I did I will admit you don't get many friends but you do end up not feeling anything you won't feel unhappy or anything really it worked for me for 7 years if yours is only a few then it should work out the reason I can no longer do is because it has left me with a void so I'm left with nothing so embrace it but don't get lost in it thats my only advice @Worsethangarbage

 

[Nephis]

Of course you will essentially have to be an actor sometimes and fake smiles you learn fairly quickly another downside is you don't grow by personality

 

[frank630]

Woah. I'm amazed because I experienced the same situation until I got to this point just like @Noiseless said.

 

[Nephis]

@frank630 I have done this for 7 years so I have a lot of experience with this

 

[frank630]

Me for 3 years now. That's why I can't give any advice.

 

[Nephis]

Just go ahead use logic in your head during moral situations and you will end up feeling less of that void

 

[Nephis]

Instead of simply of forcing that numbness to negate those emotions