Venting I don’t know what to do anymore

[quailque]

I've finally lost the motivation to do anything for myself after years of depression eating away at my brain. At some point I had a really solid shot at earning a good life but I've slowly been losing everything I've worked towards. Being hospitalized only sped up the process.

"You're already doing shit at the easy part, might as well end it before it gets worse. It's not like you're gonna put in the effort to make things any better anyways." Is constantly playing in my mind and I believe it. I had everything and then some and instead of taking the opportunity to get better, I spent the entire summer rotting away on my bed crying about every single little thing. I thought eventually I'd snap back to reality and focus on my priorities but that didn't happen.

I know the person who has to change is me but I genuinely don't see myself ever doing something like that.

I have a sibling who also experiences a lot of mental health issues and has expressed they'd kill themselves if I did. I obviously don't want that to happen but I just can't do this anymore. I want to end it now before I end up with a bigger reason to end my life. If my life is a train the destination is hell and I want to jump off before it gets there.


I haven't been able to talk about this to anyone so I'm not sure what I'm expecting, but I'm just so tired of being lonely. I have some SN being shipped in in a couple of days and i'm genuinely really worried about what's gonna happen to me.

 

[Rounded Apathy]

Welcome, unfortunately. Given you've already got sn on the way I take it while you're a new member, you've spent time here or on other sources of information. Spend some more time while you're waiting for the shipment. People here are mostly very nice and if you really haven't had any chances to talk to anyone about this, this is the time and place. You can scream into the void all you like, and odds are pretty good your get some responses of validation, if not sympathy, shared experience, and even advice or recommendations.

As for me, I feel this in that despite my making real efforts since late spring, nothing has panned out and I feel far more abandoned after trying to reach out to some people who I'd expected would support me at least minimally as opposed to not at all. If you think your changing holds the key to turning things around for you and it is in any way within reach, I'd hope you would try for that before committing to ctb. For many here what would change the situation is outside our sphere of influence and there's not much to be done because of it. Of course, sometimes changing oneself falls into this category too, whatever the reason.

I hope things improve for you soon one way or the other.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Welcome. I'm sorry life has brought you here. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better but I'm afraid I feel the same. Change is sometimes possible but I feel like it takes so much effort. There just seems to be so much to overcome in life and it becomes excruciating when any kind of will or reason to live has gone.

I understand why you would worry about your sibling. It's a very difficult situation to be in. I think a lot of us here are very worried about what it would do to loved ones if we followed through with our plans. I think it's the reason some of us are still here. Again, sadly there's not much I can say to reassure you. Only that I personally believe that it isn't selfish when people do end it. It's simply the case that their own pain has become too great for them to bear.

I hope you are able to find some comfort here and a safe space to express your thoughts and I wish you well in whatever you decide.

 

[hoberyn]

Damn i relate to that SO MUCH. it's more with anxiety and now maybe some kind of depression for me but i've been feeling not good for years but somehow managed to get some stability. Now i made a decision to change my life and i regret it, can't go back and the whole summer have been a mess and me not being able to do anything because of anxiety. Now i'm at the turning point where it's just the hope i had to try to find a ways out all this year isn't happening and all i can see is me being worst in the future. As you said like the whole summer i hoped and thought i'll just bounce back and everything but now i really see i just can't.
It's like yeah i feel sometimes i have to make the steps to get better but whatever i'm trying therapy atm and it's not helping, my family is just not reacting how they should and it's not making me feel better at all, and yeah it's just i'm exhausted of waiting a future that is supposed to be good but that's just getting worse and worse. I was at a uni i liked i mean it was ok and now i've decided to change but really i feel so bad about it and can't get back it's a nightmare, and yeah it's just like everyone is expecting us to do the things out of our confort zone, even my therapist, but this time i just didn't wan't to do it and it's destroying me mentally. Yeah, i mean maybe i could've avoided to feel this low if i stayed where i was, but now i didn't, i just regret it, can't go back at all, and anyway even when i wanted too and still could, i could not because my anxiety was too bad.
Like i don't know nothing makes sense to me anymore. It's jut yeah ending it all and the idea of it can be a relief for sure even tho i know it's also a fear and i get that.

 

[FuneralCry]

It is understandable wanting to leave before things just get worse in life. That is the way that I see it. I want to escape from all future suffering. It's awful how in this life there is no limit as to how bad things can get. I do think that as humans get older the amount of problems and suffering increases causing us to be trapped in endless misery and I understand the feeling of being tired of everything. I wish you the best with your plans.