ceriseange♡
ꜱᴡᴇᴇᴛ, ᴍᴏᴜʀɴɪɴɢ ʟᴀᴍʙ...
- Nov 3, 2023
- 50
I'm so tired. I'm so tired and I don't know why. I've tried medications, therapy, exercise, socializing - and I'm still as anxious and stressed as before and now it might be getting worse. I'm a 21 year old female, I don't have many friends, I've never had a relationship, and I feel like I don't have an idea of who I even am. Talking to people is hard, getting out of bed is hard, everything feels so hard and it never used to be like this. I used to be a happy (albeit shy) straight-A student.
I wanted to be an astronaut. So badly - I even started my undergrad degree for astrophysics but ended up dropping out when my depression got too bad and began impacting my grades. I don't know what I'm going to do this spring when I'm supposed to go back. Sure, I changed my major, but my gpa is still fucked. I'm too scared to open any emails or my mailbox so everything I need to do just piles up and makes it worse. I end up chasing validation through the regulars at the place I work, most of whom are middle aged men because I want some form of connection and they're the only ones I'm around on a semi-regular basis. I just want friends I guess.
There are still things I want to do. I want to travel, I want to visit the country of my birth, I want a pet - but they feel so far away. I don't know if I'm going to make it to 30 and I just wish I could. I wish I didn't have to be like this when everything in my life is going okay otherwise.
Sometimes I hope death feels like my childhood home. Like the woods behind my house and the sharp scent of pine. I hope it feels like my childhood dogs fur, warm and soft and golden. I hope it's comforting. I want it to be familiar. I want it to feel safe. Maybe that's foolish of me, but it's what I hope for.
I don't plan to ctb until my parents pass as I won't put them through that kind of pain. It just feels like I'm floundering around until then. I really want to figure out what I'm doing and I really want to enjoy life and living, but it just feels like I'm not capable of it. Maybe the chemistry in my brain is just too off.
I'm sorry for the long ramble, I'm just in a bit of a shaky headspace right now. Wishing anyone who reads this the best, please take care <3
I wanted to be an astronaut. So badly - I even started my undergrad degree for astrophysics but ended up dropping out when my depression got too bad and began impacting my grades. I don't know what I'm going to do this spring when I'm supposed to go back. Sure, I changed my major, but my gpa is still fucked. I'm too scared to open any emails or my mailbox so everything I need to do just piles up and makes it worse. I end up chasing validation through the regulars at the place I work, most of whom are middle aged men because I want some form of connection and they're the only ones I'm around on a semi-regular basis. I just want friends I guess.
There are still things I want to do. I want to travel, I want to visit the country of my birth, I want a pet - but they feel so far away. I don't know if I'm going to make it to 30 and I just wish I could. I wish I didn't have to be like this when everything in my life is going okay otherwise.
Sometimes I hope death feels like my childhood home. Like the woods behind my house and the sharp scent of pine. I hope it feels like my childhood dogs fur, warm and soft and golden. I hope it's comforting. I want it to be familiar. I want it to feel safe. Maybe that's foolish of me, but it's what I hope for.
I don't plan to ctb until my parents pass as I won't put them through that kind of pain. It just feels like I'm floundering around until then. I really want to figure out what I'm doing and I really want to enjoy life and living, but it just feels like I'm not capable of it. Maybe the chemistry in my brain is just too off.
I'm sorry for the long ramble, I'm just in a bit of a shaky headspace right now. Wishing anyone who reads this the best, please take care <3
